Underneath my yellow skin

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The Mystical Orient and Jade Eggs Up Your Hoo-Ha

eggs are not for insertion.
Put these in your basket, not in your vag!

Asia has many things to offer to the West, starting with the best cuisine in the world, bar none. I may be a tad biased because I’m Taiwanese, and we have dumplings and radish cakes and sticky rice and gua bao (pork belly buns) and my favorite dessert of all time, douhua (soft tofu and soft peanuts in syrup–it’s fantastic), but I also love Chinese (which is quite similar), Thai, and sushi. Asian art and culture are rich with history as well, not to mention music, spiritualism, and philosophy. The one thing I would not turn to Asia for, however, is advice on stuffing things up my vag. Such as jade eggs that cost $66 per egg.

Yes! After a week off, I am back on the goop beat, and this time I’m tackling noted Sinologist, Gwyneth Paltrow, who is pushing this shit on her website. From the product description:

Yoni eggs, once the strictly guarded secret of Chinese concubines and royalty in antiquity, harness the power of energy work, crystal healing, and a Kegel-like physical practice. Jade eggs’ power to cleanse and clear make them ideal for detox, too.

Have a load off because there’s quite a bit to unpack here. First of all, Asian women don’t have sex secrets that we’re keeping from you*. Even if we did, do you really think someone suddenly and magically discovered this secret without it becoming breaking news? I just imagine some execs sitting in a room, saying to each other, “Guys. We bought these jade rocks. Now we have to do something with them. Bob? What’s your idea?”

Bob: “What about as decorative bookends?”

Jim (the boss): “No! That’s not exotic enough. Bookends? Really, Bob? You’re fired!”

Bob (frantic): “How about if we have girls put them in their lady bits? That’s exotic!”

Jim: “That’s brilliant, Bob! But how are we going to get them to do that?”

Bob: “I know! We’ll tell them it’s an ancient Chinese secret! Like it’s Calgon! Except, it’s not detergent because you wouldn’t want to put that in your–”

Jim: “Loving it. Loving it. Give me more.

Bob (warning up to his idea): It’s the secret of concubines and empresses!** We tell the ladies that if they do it, they will be like royalty!

Jim: Will that be enough? Maybe for the first time, but how do we get them to keep doing it?

Bob: Detox! Crystals! Cleansing powers! Carbonated beverages!

Jim: Genius. Pure genius. Except for the last! You’re now VP, Bob.

I dunno. Maybe I’m biased because I hate Americans getting all airy-fairy about Asian mysticism, so let’s have a chat with my Auntie Cherry Blossom, who is my conduit to the spiritual world. I light some jasmine incense and immediately start coughing because I’m allergic to it, but I woman up because it’s her favorite scent. I make sure to turn on the Taiwanese-ghost-to-English translation app (ghosttoenglishtranslator.com) on my phone so I can understand what she’s saying. I remember her musical preference and put on Michelle Kwan (no, not that one) playing Metallica’s One on the guzheng.

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