Asia has many things to offer to the West, starting with the best cuisine in the world, bar none. I may be a tad biased because I’m Taiwanese, and we have dumplings and radish cakes and sticky rice and gua bao (pork belly buns) and my favorite dessert of all time, douhua (soft tofu and soft peanuts in syrup–it’s fantastic), but I also love Chinese (which is quite similar), Thai, and sushi. Asian art and culture are rich with history as well, not to mention music, spiritualism, and philosophy. The one thing I would not turn to Asia for, however, is advice on stuffing things up my vag. Such as jade eggs that cost $66 per egg.
Yes! After a week off, I am back on the Goop beat, and this time I’m tackling noted Sinologist, Gwyneth Paltrow, who is pushing this shit on her website. From the product description:
Yoni eggs, once the strictly guarded secret of Chinese concubines and royalty in antiquity, harness the power of energy work, crystal healing, and a Kegel-like physical practice. Jade eggs’ power to cleanse and clear make them ideal for detox, too.
Have a load off because there’s quite a bit to unpack here. First of all, Asian women don’t have sex secrets that we’re keeping from you*. Even if we did, do you really think someone suddenly and magically discovered this secret without it becoming breaking news? I just imagine some execs sitting in a room, saying to each other, “Guys. We bought these jade rocks. Now we have to do something with them. Bob? What’s your idea?”
Bob: “What about as decorative bookends?”
Jim (the boss): “No! That’s not exotic enough. Bookends? Really, Bob? You’re fired!”
Bob (frantic): “How about if we have girls put them in their lady bits? That’s exotic!”
Jim: “That’s brilliant, Bob! But how are we going to get them to do that?”
Bob: “I know! We’ll tell them it’s an ancient Chinese secret! Like it’s Calgon! Except, it’s not detergent because you wouldn’t want to put that in your–”
Jim: “Loving it. Loving it. Give me more.
Bob (warning up to his idea): It’s the secret of concubines and empresses!** We tell the ladies that if they do it, they will be like royalty!
Jim: Will that be enough? Maybe for the first time, but how do we get them to keep doing it?
Bob: Detox! Crystals! Cleansing powers! Carbonated beverages!
Jim: Genius. Pure genius. Except for the last! You’re now VP, Bob.
I dunno. Maybe I’m biased because I hate Americans getting all airy-fairy about Asian mysticism, so let’s have a chat with my Auntie Cherry Blossom, who is my conduit to the spiritual world. I light some jasmine incense and immediately start coughing because I’m allergic to it, but I woman up because it’s her favorite scent. I make sure to turn on the Taiwanese-ghost-to-English translation app (ghosttoenglishtranslator.com) on my phone so I can understand what she’s saying. I remember her musical preference and put on Michelle Kwan (no, not that one) playing Metallica’s One on the guzheng.
I place my crystal ball on its stand and clear my mind of extraneous thoughts. I wait. And wait. And wait. Goddamn, I forgot that good old Auntie Cherry Blossom is running on Taiwanese Time, which means I won’t see her for a good half hour. I put the song on repeat and try not to think about how messy my house is and how I should be cleaning the floor. I also could watching a funny Maru video instead of waiting for my deceased auntie who is probably cheating her friends at Mahjonng as we speak. Twenty interminable minutes later, she materializes in a cloud of smoke. She’s singing, “Darkness imprisoning me. All that I see. Absolute horror!” in broken English, and I hum along with her because I don’t know the words.
“She’s amazing!” Auntie Cherry Blossom says before turning serious. “Why are you bothering me now? I have my stories to watch. I’m way behind!”
“Sorry, Auntie Cherry Blossom,” I say, keeping my voice respectful. “I just need to ask a rather delicate question.”
“Shoot.” Once again, I marvel at how modern Auntie Cherry Blossom sounds. She truly is my aunt, and I would love to have a Taiwan Beer*** with her one day.
“I just read about a product, Jade Egg, that women are supposed to put in their puss–vaginas–to–”
“I didn’t explain what they’re for. It’s supposed to detox–”
“But it’s supposed to have cleansing pow–”
“I may not have gone to college, but you don’t need a degree to know that’s a big NO.”
“NO NO NO NO NO!” Auntie Cherry Blossom puts her hands over her ears and shouts at the top of her lungs. “Eggs don’t belong in there! Not even a thousand-year egg! They belong in your stomach!”
“They’re not actual eggs–”
“That’s even worse!” Auntie Cherry Blossom is frowning, and she is not having any. “What are they, rocks?”
“What is wrong with you people?!” Auntie Cherry Blossom stares at me and then snaps her fingers. “I’m out.” She disappears as she came, and I respectfully thank the ancestors for spending time with me before leaving the room.
There you have it from someone who might or might not have been a concubine or an empress while she was alive. Do not put rocks in your vag. If you need an actual expert to verify this bit of advice, let’s turn to Dr. Gunter, my in-house Gwyneth Paltrow whisperer. She demolishes the notion that you can detox your vag–pro tip, detoxing is bullshit–by putting anything up it. In addition, she mentions the one thing that can actually help your pelvic floor muscles–Kegels. Yes, they’re old school and boring, but they actually work. In addition, she notes that if you do them wrong or too enthusiastically, you can actually damage your pelvic floor.
That sounds like tons of fun, right? Tearing a hole in your pelvic floor? Yeah, no, I’ll pass on that one. As for the idea that you can increase your female energy by walking around with jade eggs shoved up your vag….I just can’t. I don’t have enough snark to make fun of how horrid this idea is. Remember when you were a kid and you were warned not to put beans up your nose? THIS IS LIKE THAT! DO NOT PUT ROCKS UP YOUR VAG, EVEN IF THEY’RE MAGICAL ROCKS WITH SUPER POWERS! WHICH THEY AREN’T BECAUSE THOSE DON’T EXIST!
Bottom line–your vag is self-cleaning and does not need to be detoxed. You can firm up your pelvic floor, but you don’t need a pricey fake-Asian jade egg in order to do it. Me, my Auntie Cherry Blossom and Dr. Gunter agree–put the eggs in an Easter basket, not up your vag.
*Yes, we do. That’s why we put out this shit, so you won’t get the good stuff.
**Because they are exactly the same thing.