Underneath my yellow skin

Tag Archives: well actually

The grand unification theory of me

This week, I finished two things. I’ve talked about both on this blog, and I’m going to do it again. The first is Spiritfarer by Thunder Lotus Games. It’s a game I had my eye on for quite some time, but I forgot about it because there was no chatter. Understandable as it’s an indie game that doesn’t neatly fit into any one genre, but, man, I really think it’s an underrated game. Those who played it and reviewed it LOVED it, but it’s not enough people. I’ve gone back and wandered about in a desultory fashion to find the secret chests I missed and because Med the community manager sent a newsletter with a BIG reveal that I didn’t get from the game itself. In retrospect, there were subtle hints, but they were easy to explain away or overlook at the time.

The other thing I finished this week was the Sabre Form in taiji. Or, as my teacher calls it, graduated from the form. The first time she said it was when she taught me the final posture of the Solo Form, and I nearly laughed in her face. I might have ‘known’ the whole form, but I wouldn’t be allowed to do it myself without heavy guidance. Now, many years later, I’ve done the form so many times, I could do it in my sleep. Well, I could have before it got radically changed by my teacher’s teacher. That’s another story for another day, though.

I can’t stop thinking about how much I hated the Sabre Form the first time my teacher taught it to me. I resented every minute, and I did not understand it at all. I wanted it to be the Sword Form, and it wasn’t. By the way, I’m beyond ecstatic that I’m learning a new Sword Form. It’s such a finesse weapon, which is not like me at all. Or at least….That’s the point of this post, and we’ll get to that later. For now, I’m musing about the Sabre Form and how it went from not to hot. While the sword is still my beloved, the saber has become my bestest friend. The karambit is the the honey of the moment, and the cane is that entertaining friend that always makes you feel better when you see them (as long as it’s not TOO often).

The saber is an infantry weapon. It’s not a thinking person’s weapon, and taiji is the scholar’s martial art. It’s about power, and I do feel powerful when I brandish it. Sometimes, I feel like a swashbuckler and sometimes I feel like a Hun. I feel as if I can do anything–and it feels good. I feel like I’m saying, “Don’t fuck with me!”, and I’m backing it all the way the fuck up.

The Sword Form is still my favorite, but it’s not about the power. It’s about elegance and grace, and it’s a finesse form. It’s about cutting someone before they know that you’ve even moved, and it’s about severing tendons. That doesn’t sound elegant or graceful, does it? The saber is about smashing and cleaving. That’s more in keeping with the nature of the weapon.

Side note: Just because the sword is a finesse weapon, it doesn’t mean it’s not deadly. It is; it’s just not the main point of the weapon.

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I’m the Well, Actually Gal

put that finger away before you hurt someone
Let me tell you….

There’s a meme on the internet called Well, Actually. It’s making fun of a person who likes to go into other people’s conversations on Twitter and correct some nitpicky point that really isn’t germane to the conversation. It was a perfect encapsulation of that annoying person at a party who tells you that avocado is a fruit, not a vegetable as you’re eating a delicious guacamole and joking about getting in an extra serving of veggies for the day. It’s similar to the Someone’s Wrong on the Internet, but not as angrily self-righteous. Like most memes on the internet, however, it quickly morphed into meaning something else. In the case of Well, Actually, people started to label anyone who corrected them on anything as a ‘well, actually’ person. I saw a lot of, “How dare you come into my TL and disrespect me like that?”, and when I’d check, the interloper was actually right. And, it wasn’t some piddling little thing, it was something germane to the first person’s argument. It’s easy to accuse someone of being a ‘well, actually’ person, too, rather than consider the argument being presented. Do I sound a little defensive? If so, it’s because I’m the ‘well, actually’ gal, at least in my head.

A little background. As I wrote yesterday, I was not allowed to show any negative emotions when I was a kid. In addition, I never felt as if my opinion mattered. I can’t say exactly why, but by the time I left for college, I had an abnormal fear of stating my actual opinion. I would agree with whomever I was talking to, or not say anything at all. I went to ridiculous lengths so it wouldn’t look as if I was being disagreeable, and some of that was rooted in my belief that I was responsible for other people’s emotions. I was a shadow person, not really existing in and of myself. That’s not to say that I didn’t have opinions–I did. I have very firm opinions about almost everything, but I kept them to myself. During the second semester of my sophomore year at high school, I started having periods of disassociation in which I would disappear from my body for several minutes at a time. I’d be talking to someone and ‘come to’ a few minutes later, and we’d still be talking, only, I had no idea what I had just said or heard. This also happened while I was driving, and I was very fortunate in that I never got into an accident. I believe that this happened in part because of all the repression I was doing on a daily basis. You cannot suppress every aspect of yourself for an appreciable length of time without suffering some kind of consequence for it. I’m fortunate in that I’ve always had a spark inside of me that refused to be quashed. No matter how hard I tried to put it out, it steadfastly continued to shine. Even during my darkest hours. Even during my deepest depressions. Even when I wanted to die. That little spark kept burning.

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