Underneath my yellow skin

A little of this and a lot of that

I had a taiji class yesterday in which we did the whole Solo Form for the first time in…months? I think maybe since the whole pandemic started. The focus was on making sure that the knees weren’t locked, and by doing that, I didn’t get the backache I normally get. I was elated, and then, ten minutes after class ended (which was right after the Solo Form), I was hit with a blinding pain in my head. A migraine of epic proportion, and without warning. I mean, I’ve been having pre-migraine symptoms for a week, and I’ve been judiciously taking migraine pills, but I wasn’t feeling migraine-y before class. I don’t think I took pills yesterday morning (I’m trying not to overdo), but I certainly popped them after the pain.

The problem is that if I catch the migraine in time, then I’m fine with a very low level of nausea, pain, etc. If I don’t catch it before it’s full-fledged, then it’s bad days. Nausea, head pain, sensitivity to stimuli (more than usual), and general exhaustion. I popped two more pills this morning (two a day is the limit), but I’m still feeling the pain. It’s not as bad as it was yesterday while I was trying to tough it out, but it’s not as little as it would have been had I caught it in time.

I don’t want to say it’s the full Solo Form that triggered the migraine because one, I don’t believe it’s true. Two, I’ve been feeling pre-migrainey all week, so even if it was the event that popped the migraine, there was plenty of buildup to it. I don’t know what it is. Maybe the new foods I’m trying? They’re plant-based Italian sausage and plant-based whipped cream, so maybe there’s something in them that is a trigger. I’ve given up caffeine so it’s not that. Not eating much chocolate, either. Have added more fruits, though. At any rate, now, nearly 24 hours after the explosion, it’s finally starting to abate. A bit.

Veering sharply to another topic, there’s a post on Ask A Manager about an employee who cries all the time and feels everything deeply, sometimes even more so than the person she’s feeling for. The person writing in was her employer, and the employer wrote that the employee was a ‘self-described empath’. That set off people in the comments about how anyone who called themselves empaths were emotional vampires. And I sighed deep in my soul because of all the misconceptions. someone else likened it to vegans in which there were the loud self-proclaimed VEGANS and then there were vegans who just went about their lives and quietly ate their vegan food.

That person wasn’t far from wrong, nor was the person who said that the healthy empaths didn’t necessarily go around talking about it or calling themselves empaths. Nor the person who said that healthy empaths were often sought after because of their listening ear, and then burned out from being empathetic. I am an empath, and I don’t talk about it at all these days. It’s one reason I limit my interaction with other people because I can’t dheal with the negativity, even though it’s gotten better since I started taking taiji.

When I was in my twenties, I was a strong empath with very poor boundaries. Unfortunately, I only felt the negative emotions, and they were constantly pelting me. It was physically painful when I was in a big crowd, and I had to retreat as soon as possible. Now, I can shield myself better, but it’s still difficult to be around intensely negative people. Another person in the comments said it didn’t make sense to be an empath which was feeling other people’s feelings and making other people uncomfortable by crying all the time. I actually rolled my eyes at that one because I didn’t see dichotomy. Being an empath isn’t a positive thing in and of itself. It doesn’t say anything about what the person does with the emotions, and it’s naive at best to think that someone would always want to do what’s best for the other person.

I just spent fifteen minutes looking up songs for empaths, which led me down a rabbit hole of empath-related info, and, ugh. I can see why people wince when they hear the term. Many of the people who claim it are using it in very lofty terms, and it’s just cringe-inducing. It’s how I feel about labels in general, though. When people use them in fey tones, I roll my eyes. to me, they’re descriptors that are neutral–no more, no less. Being an empath doesn’t make me better than other people–just different. And, let’s face it, it’s more of a detriment than a positive.

Back when I was in my twenties, not only did I absorb the emotions, I also knew why people were feeling the way they were. Obviously, there was no way to check because I’m not going to ask strangers about their personal lives, but I’ve known things about people in my real life before they told me about them, which I later found out to be true. It’s not that I’m psychic, but that I’m highly perceptive about shit. There’s no woo-woo in it, and it’s not something that’s useful to me in the real world.

I’m very tired. My sleep has been hell in the past week as well, and I’m just done with life. Honestly, if I didn’t have Shadow, I really wouldn’t give a damn about what happened to me. I’m not suicidal as I’ve mentioned before but that I don’t care about living. It’s hard to describe the difference without sounding wrong or artificial. I’m not hungering for death, but I’m not exactly pleased to be alive, either.

I’m still pissed about the ‘Rona, by the way. I’m tempted just to race around without a mask, doing everything that we’re not supposed to do. If I’m going to get this thing at some point, might as well get it over with. There isn’t going to be a vaccine in the next year, I presume, and Americans are going to continue to act like idiots, I presume, so my options are to self-isolate for an indefinite amount of time or risk getting the ‘Rona every time I go out.

I feel similarly about food. I mean, it’s great that I’m finding substitutes that are tasty, but there are so many restrictions. Part of me wants to try different dairy items because I gave them all up at the same time, but I don’t want to return to spending hours on the toilet. I suppose I could take Lactaid and try each category of dairy separately, but that’s a lot of work. I did try hard cheddar cheese after giving up dairy because it’s supposed to be the least likely to cause issues, but it was a no-go. Cheese is something I dearly miss. I can find decent substitutes for milk, ice cream, and yogurt, but there’s something about real cheese that is so hard to duplicate. I’ve found a few that are pretty decent, but there is nothing like the real thing.

I know I’m in a self-destructive mood, but I don’t know how to get out of it. It wars with my ‘all is hopeless’ mood, and the worst is when they join up to form a ‘all is hopeless and i don’t fucking care about anything’ attitude. I’m trying to just breathe through it and not let it get to me. It’s not easy, though, and I fear it’ll get worse before it gets better.

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