My Taiji teacher has the flu, so no class today. That meant I did my solo practice, and halfway through, I decided, why the fuckk not? I had one posture left in the Double Fan Form. I had planned on teaching the last posture to myself on Sunday (tomorrow), but I decided why the hell not do it today? It was the closing posture, and it was a bit more complicated than other closing postures.
Today, I took a deep breath and watched the video of it several times. May I say once again how much I appreciate the one video where she is doing the form facing both front and back side by side? It’s so valuable to see both perspectives at the same time. Most videos show the teacher facing the camera, which messes with my brain. I much prefer seeing it from the back, but I like having the front view so I can check angles I can’t see from the back.
It also helps to have it at half speed. Then, the second video I watch is at .75 speed. The third video is at normal speed. I don’t know why this works for my brain, but it does. I need the variety of teachings in order for my brain to truly understand what is going on. Even still, there were a few times when I despaired I would ever learn the whole form.
I started teaching myself this form on my (actual) birthday. Now, just a bit over eight months later (minus a month of getting over my three-shot day, so a little over seven months), I can say that I have taught myself the whole Double Fan Form. I am pleased, of course, but also too tired* to really feel much.
I cannot believe it; I really can’t. I had a Zoom lesson with my teacher on Thursday. Zoom because she has the flu, of course. I was telling her that I was so close to finishing the Double Fan Form and how fucking hard it was, and she said she would like me to do it at the demo (in February).
I said not this year, but maybe next–and I meant it! I do not feel ready to do it in two months, but in a year and two months? Yes, maybe I would be ready. It might fulfill my desire to perform, too, which would be an added bonus. The problem is that I get performance anxiety, which I used to do when I was performing on the regular a few decades ago. It’s hard not to go on tilt once I let it get to me, which then just makes everything worse.
I’m really proud of myself, I’ll be honest with you. Though it took twice the amount of time I thought it would–shit, more than twice–it was…worth it? I’m not sure I can say that. As I said to my teacher, I would not have done it if I had known what it meant back when I started, but I’m glad to have done it now.
This is how I feel about the Dvorak system, by the way. My brother recommended it to me about twenty years ago. It was such a pain to learn, and I hated it every step of the way. After a week or two, I had completely forgotten QWERTY (because it’s a shitty system), but I was not yet acclimated to Dvorak (which is much better and much more intuitive). Normally, I typed 90+ WPM, but I was around 30 WPM while learning Dvorak. Now, I’m around 100+ (maybe not quite since my medical crisis), but the big plus is that it’s so much better on my wrists and fingers.
The Double Fan Form is beautiful. It’s elegant, but also deadly. When I first learned that weapon forms were a thing, the Fan Form was the one I wanted to learn. Why? For the simple reason that I can actually carry a fan with me without attracting interest.
Let’s face it. I cannot carry a sword or a saber with me. A cane? Yes, but it’s not my preferred weapon. A fan is so innocuous and nonthreatening. A trojan horse of a weapon, as it were. Especially now that I am older; I can definitely make myself seem nonthreatening.
Let me reiterate: I’m really proud of myself. This is the hardest I’ve struggled while learning a weapon form. There was more than one time when I was ready to give up because I was not doing this for any particular reason other than I wanted to. I could have quit at any time with no repercussion. No one would care (in a negative way, I mean), and no one would judge me.
Except me. I would have judged me. I scoff at people who are gatekeep-y about video games or movie or music or whatever, but I am sometimes gatekeep-y towards myself. I don’t like it, and I’m not proud of it, but I’m not going to pretend I don’t.
Now, the question is what form am I going to teach myself next. I really want to learn the Swimming Dragon Form with Deer Horn Knives, but there isn’t one. My teacher said it’s basically adapting the hands only form to do it with the Deer Horn Knives. As I’ve said, her teacher has a Bagua Form with Deer Horn Knives on his channel that I might do next. It’s pretty cool, and my own teacher has said it’s a good one to start with. She admitted she hasn’t seen it in years, but she trusts her teacher to do it right.I also want to teach myself the left side of the Swimming Dragon Form. I’ve already started doing that, and I’m confident that I can do it in a timely manner. I’m not going to put a time limit on it because the Double Fan Form showed me the folly of that.
I’m not trying to be mean to myself, so I’m not going to chastise myself too much for thinking I could do it in three months. I didn’t know what I didn’t know, and now I do. I will take another week or so to tighten up the form before moving on to something new. Or maybe I’ll just wait for the new year to start a new form.
I know myself, though. I doubt I’ll wait that long. I’m raring to go for a new form. I’m so happy to finally be done with this form.
*Tiredness not related to the form.