Underneath my yellow skin

It’s All in My (Stuffy) Head

I’ve woken up on the wrong side of the couch for the past several days. You know how some days everything gets on your last goddamn nerve? The cat is a bit too insistent in his mewing (stop pressing your cold wet nose on my bare flesh, Shadow!); the coffee is a tad too bitter, no matter how much sugar I add; I don’t want to do my morning regime; the sun is too damn bright, etc. I’m grumpy, and I know it’s irrational. My patience, which is already short, is even shorter, and I’ve snapped at the people around me though they’ve done nothing wrong. I usually have a sarcastic voice running through my brain, but I’m careful not to give voice to it to often. In the past few days, I’ve been less able to keep it under wraps, and I’m trying to bite my tongue rather than go off on people who don’t deserve it.

I went off on a rant in taiji yesterday about not having children. Now, I’m pretty clear in general that I’ve never wanted children. I’m comfortable with saying I’m gleeully childfree. But, for whatever reason, as we were talking about having kids (me, my teacher who also never wanted children, and one other classmate, an older Indian woman who does not have bio-children of her own), I was getting riled up and said the idea of having children repulsed me. I immediately felt bad about it because I don’t know if my classmate is childfree by choice or not, and I clarified that it was just repulsive to me, not that I thought it was repulsive in general. It’s true that I am repulsed by the idea of having children, but it’s not something I normally would say or needed to say.

I got really mad at someone driving slowly in the left lane and screamed some really nasty things at them (not directly as I was behind them, but yeah, not cool). It’s one of my pet peeves, but normally, I just sigh loudly and deal with it.  At Cubs, I was miffed by the person who parked their cart in the exact middle of the aisle, and at the co-op, by the person who was blocking the (walking) lane with his person and didn’t move an inch as I approached. Again, these are pet peeves of mine, but I normally just shrug and move on with my day. I didn’t say anything to either of these people, but the snark in my head was real, yo.

Not by coincidence, I’ve also woken up with my ears being messed up these last few days. I tend to have ear problems in that they get crusty, then I pick at the crustiness, and then they scab over. I pick at the scabs, which of course makes it worse. I also have a stuffy nose, which I initially thought it was allergies, but now I think may be a precursor to sinus troubles. In addition, whenever I shift my head too suddenly, I’ve gotten really dizzy. I asked my taiji teacher about it, and she said it could be sinus issues. I’ve had issues with dizziness all my life, but it’s usually just a little bit and only very rarely. Having it three days in a row and pretty violently is unusual and disconcerting.

I’ve had sinus issues twice this year, and both times were such pains in the ass. The first time, I remember lying on the couch for three days straight, unable to do much more than blow my nose constantly. The worst part was when my teeth would send jabbing pains through my head. It was such agony, I would literally hold my head in my hands, stay very still, and just hope that I would make it through the pain. It’s some of the worst pain I’ve had in my life. I didn’t realize that sinus issues could extend to the entire face and not just the nose.

I found out that it goes even further when I had ear blockage about a month ago. I woke up one day and my right ear was plugged. Strange, thought I, but no biggie. I thought it was allergies, actually, because that’s happened to me before. It’ll clear up in a few minutes, but nope. It stayed for a while, then disappeared, but then came back again. I thought it might be because I wear earplugs when I sleep, so I took it out (only on the right side). Did it help? Nope. Soon, my ear was plugged all the time. I tried a few remedies, but they didn’t work. I was able to unplug them briefly, but then they would plug up again. I dug some gunk out (ew, gross), and I just suffered through it.

I feel like my head is in a light fog. It’s not bad enough for me to be totally out of it, but it’s enough to make me grumpy and disinclined to do much of anything. I’m fortunate that I work from home so I don’t have to drag my ass into work and infect my coworkers with my grossness (if it’s contagious) and my bad attitude. I have a cup of coffee in my ‘YOU CANNOT IMAGINE THE IMMENSITY OF THE FUCK I DO NOT GIVE’ traveling mug (my bestie knows me well) by my side and my cat warming my legs. I’m watching cheesy music videos and typing this post to go up at midnight.

I do not want to be sick right now. Well, I mean, I never want to be sick, but especially right now. Master Choi is coming this weekend at my teacher’s teacher’s studio to give a seminar about ‘Master Choi Style’ which encompasses several different disciplines, and I’m signed up for the Saturday afternoon class. Last time he was here, I was so sick I could barely move. I went to the taiji session because I knew I’d regret it if I skipped it. So, shaking and exhausted, I dragged myself to the class, and it blew my fucking mind. Seriously. He’s the Grand Master of Liu He Ba Fa (which is what he’ll be teaching this time), and learning from him was transcendental.

However, he ran way over time due to his enthusiasm, which my body simply couldn’t handle. It was supposed to be two hours, and by the three hour mark, I could feel my body shutting down. A half hour later, and I wasn’t even sure how I was remaining on my feet. I had to cut out of there, even though I didn’t want to (and I knew it would look bad, but fortunately, he was wrapping it up, anyway). I’m afraid that the same thing will happen this time, even if I’m not sex. No matter how healthy or fit I am, I’m not able to stand for appreciable amounts of time without feeling tired. I used to walk four miles a day, and I still would get tired walking up a flight of stairs.

I also have the lung capacity of a seventy-year old (according to my doctor) which doesn’t help me when I’m exercising. I think I’ve improved it with the help of taiji, but it’s still a problem. Oh! A weird benefit of taiji: I have an ass now! I used to bemoan my lack of an ass (it’s an Asian thing), and I would use the phrase ‘kiss my flat yellow ass’ on a regular basis. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror the other day, and I noticed a protrusion where my lack of ass used to be. It was an ass! Not a big one, but still noticeable. I excitedly told my teacher about it (we have that kind of relationship), and she said it was me building up my glutes. We emailed about it as well, and I jokingly said she could advertise it as a side benefit, but it would probably attract the wrong kind of student.

Anyway. I’m feeling lowkey shitty, and I’m hoping it improves in the next few days, but I’m not sanguine about it. I’m pretty sure the light fog will become a heavier one, and I’ll be battling with sinus issues once again.

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