I want to talk more about mindfulness, meditation, and Taiji. I started a post aabout it yesterday, but as is my wont, I meandered all over the place. And probably fell asleep while writing it. My sleep is just terrible lately, for reasons that aren’t part of this post. So, yeah. Mindfulness? Miss me with that noise.
Look.
Look!
I’m not against mindfulness. In general, I’m pro-doing what makes you feel better as long as it’s not harmful to you in the long run or to other people. And, by not harmful to others, I mean truly harmful. Not, “you hurt me by setting entirely reasonable boundaries” harmful, but actually harmful.
I’m a big believer in acknowledging that most of us are just getting by as best we can. Life is hard, yo. And that’s for almost everyone.
Side note: I had a deep and abiding hatred for Christianity for most of my twenties. I had the misfortune of being raised in a restrictive, sexist, conservative, Evangelical Christian church. I reacted very poorly to God with a capital G after that.
It took me ten years to get over my hatred. Then, I spent my late-thirties being studiously neutral to Christianity (while secretly judging it). It’s only in my forties and fifties that I can truly say that I’m fine with Christianity*.
Side note to the side note: It’s like Christmas and my birthday. I hated both when I was younger.Really hated them both. Then I reached a point when I said I didn’t hate them any longer, but still felt negatively about them. It took a long time (and a lot of Taiji) before I actually felt neutral about them. Do I feel positively about them? No. But, I’ll take it as a win that I no longer hate both.
Also, I have a new birthday. It’s the day I died and came back to life. It means much more to me than my actual birthday because, well, it just does.
Side note to the side note to the side note: When I was in my twenties, my mom would call me every year on my birthday. Foolishly, I would try to brush it off because I absolutely hated my birthday back then. My mother would get teary and go on and on about how important the day had been to her. That and the birth of my brother were the two most important events of her life. She went on about it for so long, I started comforting her.
That’s my role in life, you see. I’ve called myself her emotional support human, and I am used to it now. Back then, though, it really chafed that she dumped all this on me ON MY BIRTHDAY. It had to be about her, even on a day that was supposedly supposed to be about me. One reason I hated my birthday, by the way.
Wow. I really went in circles in this post, didn’t I?
The thing is, while I am pretty much a small l libertarian in that I think people should be able to live life as they wish, I really wish I was afforded the same courtesy. This is one of my biggest complaints in general, by the way. I try to be a compassionate person who empathize with others, so much so my brother likes to joke that I’m always rooting for the underdog (true), but I don’t always get that in return.
I’m in a minority in so many ways. I’m Asian, bisexual, agender, fat, areligious, and old. OK, fat is not being a minority, but still discriminated against. I’m in my fifties, and I wish I weren’t still surprised when someone who is a minority is discriminatory. I know why it happens, but it just saddens and frusttrates me. Like, you know what it’s like to be hated for something that you can’t change or didn’t have anything to do with–why can’t you do the same to someone else?
Blah blah blah that’s different blah blah blah I didn’t deserve it blah blah blah they did. I can’t remember what that fallacy is called where because you know youreslf better than others, you think they get what they deserve and you don’t. But that.
Or, in the case of queerness, religion makes people hateful. And it’s really hard for me to hang with that. Given my own baggage with religion–wait. I was talking about mindfulness.
I think part of my issues with it is because it can be almost religious for people. And I mean that in a negative way. Like anything, when people get rigid about their obsession, it’s a turn-off. I’m saying this as someone who could talk about Taiji and Bagua for hours on end. But I am self-aware enough to know that people don’t want to hear more than five minutes about it.
I’m not mad about it, by the way. Because I understand that what is important and exciting to me isn’t necessarily either to anyone else.
Side note: Why don’t other people get that? That’s another thing that I don’t understand. Just because you like something, it doesn’t mean I will like it. And just because I don’t like it, it doesn’t mean I don’t like you. I’m so used to liking things that other people don’t know/like/etc., I don’t even blink when someone indicates that they don’t like something I do. Unless they do it in a very rude way (which happened with my last ex), and then it’s the manner and not the opinion that bothers me.
Back to mindfulness.
I tried. I really did. Meditation, I mean. Several times, and I hated it every time. Much like yoga. I also hated that when I tried it. As I said in yesterday’s post, I gaze at my navel way more than is good for me. Than is good for anyone, really. The last thing I need to do is think more of myself. The last thing!
In addition, as I also talked about briefly in the last post, I learned that walking meditation works much better for me. When I couldn’t do meditation, she put a pair of practice deer horn knives in my hands and showed me how to walk the circle. The second my fingers closed over the weapon handles, I knew they had to be in my life forever.
I had not felt that way about a weapon since my first–the sword. I am grateful my teacher taught it to me and allowed me to do it instead of meditation for several months.
I sit too much in my day to day, anyway. So, being still for meditation is a no-go. Walking the circle with my beloved deer horn knives is more meditative than any meditation I’ve ever done. It allows me to focus enough, but not too much. Also, because I’m teaching myself the Bagua Knives Form, it engages my brain juuuuust enough not to think about other things.
I think that’s part of the reason that I really love teaching myself weapons–I have to actively engage my brain, but not so much that I’m thinking of myself too much.
May write more about this tomorrow.
*With the religion itself. I am NOT fine with how Christianity is used for evil. Right now, in America, the far-right is using Christianity to oppress trans people, which is so not ok. It’s a dark time in this country right now.