Underneath my yellow skin

The weight of the world

roast chicken, melted cheeze, and a bagel? yes, please!
Nothing like a bagel sandwich to brighten my day.

I am still thinking about how I might have ADD. Or not. Another symptom is the inability to get things done no matter how sincere the desire. I have this. For example, in preparing for my parents’ yearly month-long visit, I had a whole list of things I wanted to do, and I vowed to get started a month before they were to arrive (which is today). I make the same vow every year, and I fail every year. Why did I think it would be different this year? I have no idea. It didn’t happen, and even the things I did, I had to scale down form what I had planned on doing. There are several reasons for that. One, I’ve been dealing with gastrological issues for the past few weeks, and it’s made me have even less energy that usual. Which is close to none, anyway. TMI for anyone who doesn’t like to think about bodily functions. I had to deal with diarrhea on and off for a week. The first time, it wasn’t related to food because I know what that’s like. I eat something and a few seconds later, I’m running for the bathroom. That came later in the week, and it was because of tomato spaghetti sauce. At least that was my best guess. The first time, though, ti had nothing to do with food because I hadn’t eaten in eight or so hours. I was already feeling the effects of a migraine, and then I shitted my brains out. I was sitting on the toilet for half an hour, then I had to run back about an hour later for another half-hour round. That lasted for about three hours, and then I went to bed. I had to get up a few hours later to repeat the cycle, and it was the worst.

Now, the diarrhea is mostly gone, but I’m still having issues now and again, and also the opposite problem–blockage. Before I continue, I’d like to say that I love all kinds of foods. I will basically try anything once, and I used to live for spicy food.

Side note: I watch Hot Ones online, and Da Bomb is the sauce that makes everyone gag. It’s not their hottest, but it’s the one the guests are least able to handle. Why? Because it tastes like battery acid. I know because I’ve tried it. My brother and I had a years-long competition to see who could give each other the hottest of hot sauces. Da Bomb was from me to my brother one year, and I used four drops in a pot of chili that was too hot to eat. My brother called off the competition after trying this sauce. It’s made strictly to be hot and nothing else, and it’s doesn’t have any of the complexities of a good hot sauce. Anyway, I have to smile whenever it comes out on Hot Ones.

Now, however, my diet is very bland. The last few days, I’ve mostly been eating gluten-free crackers, rice, roasted chicken, and corn on the cob. I also am eating gluten-free bagels with either a meatless patty on it, corned beef, or roasted chicken–and melted Monterey Jack cheeze (Daiya). Citrus is still treating me right, so I eat an orange or two a day, and I squeeze lemon into my honey lemon ginger tea. Or plain gluten-free pasta with melted Monterey Jack cheeze and roasted chicken. I’ve cut out the sauce which is usually some kind of spicy mayo/mustard situation. I’ve also been eating spring greens with a mango chipotle dressing, but I’ve mostly cut out the dressing as well. I’ve had some soy yogurt with no issue. One night, I had the squirts, and I was terrified it was the rice. It can’t be the rice! I love rice, and as an Asian person, you will pry my jasmine rice from my cold, dead fingers. Yes, I know brown rice is better for you, but I don’t like brown rice. I may try to like it better, but for now, I’m sticking with what I know and like.

I had a gf/df meatless ‘meatlover’ pizza yesterday (also Daiya), which I’ve had before with little problem. It’s tasty, though only if you don’t think about it as pizza. I cooked it a little too long yesterday which made it more crunchy than chewy, but it was still good. However, it stopped me up like nobody’s business, which wasn’t very pleasant. I have always had a picky constitution, but it’s off the chain right now. I don’t want to have to live a life of bland food, but I also don’t want to spend all my time on the toilet.

Warning, whining ahead.  I don’t want to test for allergies/sensitivities because it seems like such a pain in the ass. I know it’ll help me in the long run, but it seems so daunting. I know I need to try the FODMAP thing, but I just don’t want to. This is part of my problem–my desire to do something or not do something, even if it’s against my best interest, can be so strong, it takes all my energy to do the right thing. That’s one of the frustrating things about reading advice columns, especially the comment sections. There’s always someone who’s like, “Well, just blah blah blah.” Like the person wouldn’t have done that already if they were able.

I was reading one person talking about her ADD, and she said the normal time-managing suggestions didn’t work for her. One of the most recommended is the Pomodoro method. Put simply, it’s saying, “I’ll do this task for ten minutes, then stop.” The theory is that once you start, it’s more likely you’ll continue. This is true for me, so you’d think the Pomodoro method would work for me. The problem is that I know it’s not going to be for just ten minutes, so I can’t fool myself into starting. One thing that works for me is to just do the task as I’m walking by the area. It can be difficult because I’m used to ignoring things right in front of my face, but even I will reach a point when I’m fed up (or have to do the laundry or whatever) and just do the thing that I need to do.

Related, I work towards the back of a deadline. Back when I first used to do work for my mother, we had a hell of a time because she would give me a deadline of, say, a month. Then, a week after she gave me the assignment, she would start asking if I’d done it or if I had any questions. I hadn’t even started it yet! I had plenty of time. It took several times working together before I realized that when she gave me a deadline, it wasn’t a real deadline. I had to tell her straight out that she had to give me a hard deadline or we’d both be frustrated. If she wanted it in two weeks, tell me she wanted it in two weeks. This is the way of the Taiwanese, though, never say exactly what you want or need. It’s also my mother from decades of dealing with my father. He can be incredibly sensitive about everything, so she’s learned to be sneaky about the way she asks for things. I don’t like that I work to the back of deadlines, and I’ve gotten slightly better at it. However, I am not the type to start anything the day it’s assigned, and it’s not something I’m ever going to actively work towards.

I’m tired. I’m depressed. I have no motivation. And now, I have stomach issues I have to deal with. Sigh.

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