I’ve been called a contrarian. I am. But not for the reasons you would think. My mother once said to me in exasperation that just because something was traditional, it didn’t mean it was bad. I retorted by saying that just because something was traditional, it didn’t mean it was good, either. She didn’t like that much, but it explains our different world views in a nutshell.
She is old-fashioned and adheres to rigid stereotypes–except when she doesn’t. For exmaple, she thisk her worth is as a wife and a mother, but she has worked outside the home all her life. She hadn’t wanted to, supposedly, but my father insisted. He’s very concerned about money as he was dirt poor growing up, so he wanted as much money coming into the house as possible.
So, I was supposed to want to get married and have children, but I was also supposed to want to have a career in order to be a productive member of society. I was also supposed to go to church and probably teach Sunday School or some shit like that. I’m supposed to wear makeup, be a size 6, and all that other bullshit.
This is why I reject womanhood. I have been told all my life that I am not a woman. and I just don’t care any longer. My Taiji teacher asked if I wanted to be called they/them, but I don’t want that, either. I’ve long since gotten over my ‘they is singular’ hang-up, but it just don’t feel right for me. Same with neopronouns . I have not found one that feels right.
I’m not trying to be difficult. I promise I’m not. It’s just…none of the pronouns work for me. So I might as well stick to ‘she’. It’s the one I’ve used all my life, and, yeah, I don’t love it–but I don’t hate it, either. It’s…fine. Which is how I feel about a lot of things. It’s…fine. It’s not great, but it’s not something I want to put much effort into.
Here’s the thing about gender. I just don’t fucking care about mine. Or rather, I care much less than many people. I am not a dude. I know that much. Other than that, though, it’s wide open. And, I’m going to be frank. After dying twice and coming back twice, I just don’t care enough to figure it out. I’m at the point where ‘yeah, good enough’ is…well, good enough.
I have problems with the whole pushing of pronouns because I want to support people and whatever their pronouns are, but I don’t have them myself. As I said, I’ll accept ‘she/her’ if someone else uses them for me, but I don’t want to use them for myself. It’s hard, though, because it’s what I’ve used all my life, so I still slip from time to time.
It just doesn’t feel right, though. But on the other hand, I do feel a kinship with women because it’s what I’ve identified with for most of my life–and it’s what I’ve been treated as (albeit a defective one) for all my life.
I don’t have a problem with bonding over being women. It’s a tough road, especially now with the all-out assault on reproductive choices. It infuriates me that my niece has less control over her body in 2023 (though we’re pretty lucky in MN) than I did when I was her age.
Fuck that noise. Fuck the repressive religious regime that wants to take us back to the last millennium. By the way, this is NOT one of the reasons I don’t consider myself a woman. I have the plumbing to get pregnant, so it doesn’t really matter what gender I am in that case.
I just don’t understand why my gender matters to anyone but me. Just as I didn’t understand why back in the day me deciding not to have kids was anyone’s business but mine. Just as I don’t understand why me being bi, ENM, or areligious is anyone’s business, either. More to the point, why would anyone care? It has nothing to do with them.
I do know the reason, though, so that was rhetorical. It’s because when people are invested in the status quo, it’s threatening to have people who questioned those norms. It’s even more threatening to have people like me who don’t give a fuck about tradition.
Here’s where it gets messy. Am I a contrarian because the status quo is so rigid, or would I push back against it, regardless? I honestly couldn’t tell you. Ian has said to me that it’s hard to recommend games to me because I’m so finicky. He’s not wrong, but in that case, I’m honestly not doing it on purpose. I only like very specific games, and it’s difficult to know what will scratch the itch and what won’t.
It’s easy to say that I will love From games, especially Dark Souls ones. It’s a safe-ish bet to say I will like indie games with a bit of thought into them. Even if I don’t love them, I’ll give them much more of a chance than a AAA game.
Let’s think about the games I’ve really enjoyed. Torchlight (Runic Games) was the first hardcore game I played at the suggestion of Ian. I loved it, in part because the protag could be an Asian woman if you squint. Well, one of the three playable characters, taht is. Then, it was Diablo III (Blizzard), Borderlands original and sequel, plus DLC (Gearbox, and I OD’ed on these games), then Dark Souls (FromSoft).
Night in the Woods (Infinite Fall), Cook, Serve, Delicious! (all of them, but especially the second, David Galindo), Cozy Grove (Spry Fox), and Spiritfarer (Thunder Lotus Games) are all favorite indiie games. Binding of Isaac: Rebirth (specifically that version, Edmund McMillen) is the game I’ve played the most.
Other games I’ve enjoyed up to a point: Nuclear Throne (Vlambeer) and Dead Cells (Motion Twin).
I don’t care for most AAA games. That’s a weird thing to say given that FromSoft is definitely considered a AAA dev these days. But at the same time, have that ‘scrappy indie’ feel to them. It’s because they were guns for hire for so long. They have never published their own stuff. Much of it has been under Bandai Namco Bandai, but not all of it.
In the real world, I don’t care for most popular thing, either. I don’t like movies and TV in general, and I really don’t like things like Star Wars, Game of Thrones, and The Office. I don’t give a fuck about the Marvel universe or Disney or anytihng like that. And, again, I don’t think it’s all reactionary, but my brain just does not work that way. I mean, it doesn’t get pleasure from the shit that other people like.
I was talking about it with my brother once. I was saying how I didn’t like movies and he laughed. He said of course I didn’t because they were not authentic. In other words, because they were scripted. It sounded so simple when he said it, but he was right. It’s why I’ve always perferred books. The author can take pages and pages to slowly build up characters, situations, and relationships. A movie has, tops, 3 hours to get it all said and done. And, yes, a book probably takes me about the same time to read, but I read very fast. I can read a hundred pages per hour, roughly.
Movies are the Cliff Notes. They are abbreviated and based on the understanding that we all have the same cultural norms. That’s where I get stuck. I can’t get past the bullshit when it’s playing out in front of my eyes. I can’t get over how things would actually happen in real life. It’s fine when it’s meant to be escapist fiction, but that’s not how I like my movies. I like slice of life movies or psychological dramas (or musicals, but that’s completely different), and those are predicated on cultural touchstones.
For someone like me, that’s an anathema because none of the culture flagstones are mine. I am not married. I don’t have kids. I don’t want a long-term relationship. I don’t have a real job, and I don’t go to church. I believe abortion should be 100% legal and only between the patient and their doctor.
I can make small talk. I can make people feel heard. But I never feel heard myself. What am I into? Taiji weapons, FromSoft games, my cat, and currently–Indian delivery food. Oh, and being alive! That’s the best. Honestly. It’s terrific to be alive! But I can’t talk about that without sounding weird. It’s not something anyone can relate to, and that’s the whole goal of communication.
There is an entire conversation to be had about how we talk to each other, but I’m going to have to save that for another day because I am, as usual, running long.