My brother stopped by today to drop off my Premium Elite 2 Xbox Controller or whatever it’s called. I’m being flippant, but it’s by far the best controller I’ve ever had. I was wavering because it’s not cheap, but Ian swayed me because he has it and loves it. Once I got my hands on it, I realized that it was truly several cuts above the rest. Now that I have it back, I’m so happy. I tried it out, and it just felt so right in my hands. My one gripe is the reason my brother had it for a month–the left bumper stopped working all the time. It worked maybe a third of the time, which was even more infuriating than if it didn’t happen at all.
I looked it up, and it was a known problem for this expensive controller. Apparently, they cheaped out on the bumper buttons, which means that people have issues with them. This is, frankly, unacceptable for the amount of money we’re paying for them. Well, I say it’s unacceptable, but clearly it’s not. Would I buy it again? Sadly, yes. Because it’s just that much better than any other controller (expect for that one issue). I will say that it’s somewhat on me because I’ve dropped it several times. Still. I’ve dropped all my controllers several times, and this is the first time I’ve broken a bumper.
The other thing my brother wanted to do was to natter on about his newest obsession–espresso-making. He was not a drinker of coffee for all of his life. Then, his GF inherited an espresso machine, and now my brother is hooked. True to his nature, he bought an expensive machine and an app that monitors it from his phone. Plus other accessories that added up to a prettty penny.
I joked that of course he went hard on it once he got interested because that was how he do. I was also laughing beacuse that’s how I do as well. For me, it’s the weapons. I am so obsessed by them. Right now, I am learning the Cane Form with my saber after watching my teacher’s teacher do it. I have learned three of the four rows, and as I’ve said before, doing the Cane Form with the saber made both forms really click for me.
Here’s yesterday’s post about gender, martial arts, and more.
Listening to my teacher’s teacher talk about the cane and the saber made something go off in my brain. Before, I was struggling with both. Not the forms per se, but with how I felt about them. This is where the arts part comes in for me. The weapons need precision, yes, and it’s definitely martial, but the arts part is all about the feel for me. I’ve talked about how I relate to each weapon–and about how I’m vibing with them.
The sword is my tried and true. My old love and flame. I loved it from the start and I love it still. It’s no longer my main love, but it’s like a very comfortable house slipper that I love to wear most of the time. Comfortable, molded to my foot, and just gives me a warm feeling in my heart.
With both the saber and the cane, they felt alien in my hand, and I really struggled getting the feel of them. Then, in watching my teacher’s teacher talk about it, I got that light bulb moment. I can’t quite explain it, but it suddenly all made sense. And I loved using my saber to do the Cane Form. Even more excitingly, I like the Cane Form with the cane much more now as well. And I’m breezing through it like it was no problem at all. I honestly thought I’d have more trouble with the third row, but I did not at all. Also, seeing my teacher’s teacher do a movement I’ve always had trouble with cleared that up for me as well.
I never feel better than when I’m doing my weapons. I feel strong, powerful, and almost invincible. When I’m doing the more delicate weapons like the sword and the fan, I still feel powerful. Strong. Like nothing can get to me.. Which, as someone who struggles with depression, is not something I feel that often these days. Or before my medical crisis.
That’s why it’s like a drug to me. It makes me feel better in a completely legal and positive way. My brother showed up today before I was able to do my martial arts routine. As I was talking to him, my legs were a bit achy, and I felt other pains, too. As we were talking, I started stretching and doing the warm-ups. I needed to do it, and he didn’t care.
It’s a relief to talk to him about neurodiversity since we both are neurodivergent. We can let our freak flags fly and understand when the other person does as well. My brother used to not be able to listen to anything that didn’t interest him, but he’s really worked on it. Now, he has expanded his social skills set enough that he can be interested in what other people are interested in–for a short amount of time. And depending on the topic. There are some things that he cannot even fake interests in. There are some things that he has a tangential interest in–enough to talk about for a bit. And there are things he knows are important to me so he’s willing to listen to me.
This is a huge step for him, and I am sure that his GF has something to do with it. About six months ago, my brother suddenly started talking about how important it was to recognize sexism and how he had lectured a coworker of his on his (the coworker’s) sexist behavior. I blinked because that was unlike the way he usually talks. He brought it up again the next time we talked, and I realized it was probably his GF’s influence because DEI is her work.
I really want to just not care about gender. I rreally wish the world would not care so much about gender–especially in a negative way. Or rather, in a ‘let me put you in a box, label it, and make you suffocate in it’ way. Why can’t people just be chill about it? You do you and let other people do them. Be as femme or masc as you want to be, and do me the courtesy of letting me be…not that.
I’ve said this before, but one of the best compliments someone gave me was when I had first came out as bi. I was at an Asian Pacifica Lesbian/Bi conference and we were putting each other on the femme/butch continuum as you do. The woman who was doing the placing got to me and paused for a loooooong time. She looked at me for several seconds and then said that she didn’t know where to put me.
I was ridiclously pleased and flattered, and that should have been my first inkling that gender was not what it seemed to be for me.
More tomorrow.