I have still more to say about gender and martial arts. That should not surprise anyone because once I get stuck on something, I go on and on and on about it. Yesterday, I talked about gender and what I think of it (not much). I’m so tired of talking about it, but it’s a big deal right now given the state of my country at the moment.
I have been voting for thirty years. I have voted Democratic almost every time*. I have not been happy about it most of the time because it’s just the least worst of two evils. The only times I’ve felt joyful about voting was for Barack Obama and Kamala Harris. Take from that what you will. I dutifully voted for whoever had the D by his (and yes, it was overwhelmingly male which says a lot about the Democratic Party, but taht is not what this post is about) name, but I never felt good about it. Or rather, rarely.
I know that I don’t belong to this time or place, but I also don’t think I would have fit in any time or place. And I don’t know how much fight I have in me to try to change the world for the better. I realize that I’m slipping back to where I used to be, more and more each day.
I know it’s because of inertia and because we tend to go back to homeostasis. In other words, we don’t move in a positive direction without being deliberate about it. Some people like my brother do it almost effortlessly. I envy that about him, by the way. If he thinks something sounds fun, he just does it.
When he was here a few days ago, he was telling me about his adventures in Taiwan and Thailand with his GF. Each day, they had a plan, but then they changed it on a whim if something else looked better. I remembered that from when we went to Taiwan together, and it was a nightmare for me.
I digress.
I tend to stick to my routines, and they work until they don’t. One big example is my sleep. I have always had shitty sleep, starting from when I was a kid. When I was six or seven, my mother would put me to bed at seven or eight, and I would put a t-shirt in the crack under the door so I could read until midnight. I have always liked the night better than the day.
When I went to college, I could not go to bed until 3:30 a.m, even though I had a class that was a quarter to eight in the morning. I would get up at 7:30 a.m. and race to class. I was so sleep-deprived that I could not find my portable alarm clock one morning. I looked for it for five minutes, and it was nowhere to be found.
I gave up and opened the mini-fridge I had in my room to grab a Diet Pepsi. There was my alarm clock, and I have no memory of putting it in there.
Through my study of Taiji, I was able to add two hours to my sleep. Six hours, six-and-a-half hours at the most. I would wake up twice a night and have such a hard time going back to sleep.
After my medical crisis and hopped up on drugs, I slept a tight eight hours every night. Or day. When I went home from the hospital, I slept from 8 10 p.m. to 6 a.m. for the first few months. That was unheard of for me. I’m a three/four in the morning to eleven a.m./12 p.m. kind of person (these days). Well, until it got really bad and I wasn’t gonig to bed until six in the morning.
I am feeling very self-conscious now. I think it’s in part because I haven’t gone out much since the pandemic. I need to figure out how to get places since I can’t drive any longer–at least not on the freeway.
But I need to find community and a therapist. That’s a post for another day.
In talking with a friend, I suddenly got the idea to try out two different weapons at the same time. Why? Why the hell not? I can do whatever I want in martial arts!
My teacher has given me the go-ahead to do pretty much anything with the weapons. This is not her bailiwick, and she trusts me to be responsible. She told me a story of an ex-classmate of hers who used to insist on doing the weapon forms with sharpened weapons. One time, this classmate sliced open their own leg, but refused to back down. There were reasons for it that I shall not get into, but I hastily reassured my teacher I would never do that.
I am not looking to cut myself when I practice my weapns. Yes, my sword, saber, and double sabers are all steel, but they are also all blunted. I have nicked myself with the tip of my sword more than once, but barely broke the surface of my skin.
I am teetering on the edge. I know that I have to take steps before my mental health plummets. I just don’t have the energy to find a therapist, and let’s talk about that, too.
See, here’s the thing. I need a therapist. I know I do. But it’s so daunting to think about getting one. I hate CBT, which is all the rage these days. I need a psychologist not a social worker or therapist. It may sound snobby, but I know myself. I know psychological patois really well, and I can run rings about most people.
This is something I would not say to many people because I know how it sounds. But since I can read people so well and since I’m really good about psychology, it’s easy for me to manipulate people. And because I’ve seen my father manipulate people all the time when I was younger, I have a fear/loathing of doing it myself.
That’s it for tonight. More tomorrow.
*In the presidential election, I mean. The one time I didn’t vote D was the second time Bill Clinton ran. I did not like him so I waited until I was fairly sure that he would win my state and then voted for Nader in protest.