Hey, ladies. Don’t you hate it when you’ve done your Kegels and you’ve stuffed jade eggs up your hoo-ha, and, yet, you feel as if your vag isn’t as strong as it should be? Well, then do I have the answer for you! It’s Vaginal Kung Fu, and it apparently has been all the rage for the past few years. I saw a mention of it on my Twitter by my Gwyneth Paltrow whisperer, Dr. Jen Gunter*, and I had to read her article because of my morbid curiosity. And because I needed a topic for this week’s POOG post, but that’s definitely secondary! She had me at Vaginal Kung Fu, yo! How could I not be drawn to the ancient art of my people as proposed by an American TV doctor (actual doctor with a talk show) with a 2 star rating on Yelp!? And, with all the anti-choice bills the Republicans are pushing and passing, my vag needs to be in tiptop shape to fight!
I wanna be Vaginal Kung-Fu fightin’!
My uterus will kick as fast as lightning!
I can feel my pelvic muscles tightening!
This is gonna be so enlightening!
The article that Dr. Gunter is dissecting appeared in Allure magazine, and I read it with increasing horror and amazement. There’s an update to the article warning of the risks–they didn’t think to include that in the actual article, mind you–and they quote Dr. Hilda Hutcherson, MD, a professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Columbia University Medical Center, “Kegels are great! Everyone should do them. But some women can’t figure out which muscle to contract.” She adds, “The vaginal weights make that easy and more fun.” I think the good doctor and I need to have a chat about her idea of fun. Also, if a woman doesn’t know how to do Kegels properly, she can ask her doctor. What? No, Minna, get out! What a revolutionary idea! Now why would I want to do that when I can simply shove weights into my vag in the privacy of my own home? Never mind that I might not know how heavy the weights should be and that you still have to contract the muscles around the weight, I should just do it! Oh, wait. I should ask my doctor about it first? Then why the fuck wouldn’t I just ask how to do Kegels properly? (Read Dr. Gunter’s article linked above for tips on how to do exactly that. Yes, I know I footnoted it, but it’s important enough to mention again.)
The main doctor they showcase is Dr. Lisa Masterson, the aforementioned TV doctor with the scathing Yelp! reviews. They include a video of her talking about the practice and I skim through the first few seconds. She says:
Vaginal weightlifting is an ancient Taoist practice using the contraction of pelvic floor muscles to lift an object inserted in the vagina.
It’s so important, she even has the words on the screen as she’s saying them.
::stops video, sighs deeply, rubs forehead::
Look, I don’t know if it’s an actual Taoist practice or not,** but even if it is, it’s still gross to reference it in this manner. It’s more of that mystical/spiritual Asian bullshit to confer instant validation, and I am not here for it. Not one bit, I say! Curious, I Googled it, and the only thing I could find is her and another woman who practices it claiming it’s an ancient Taoist practice. The other woman is Kim Anami, who is an ‘intimacy coach’ and a ‘vaginal weightlifter’ who is an ‘expert’ in ‘Vaginal Kung Fu’, and I am going to air-quote the shit out of her because I cannot believe she is taken seriously, which she is. This was my face when I discovered she existed:
STOP APPROPRIATING ASIAN CULTURE TO SELL YOUR SHITTY IDEAS, AMERICANS! WE ARE NOT HERE FOR YOUR MR. MIYAGI WAX ON WAX OFF BULLSHIT. FOR FUCK’S SAKE.
Also, who the fuck cares if you can lift a car with your vag? You’re not impressing me, Kim. It’s like the female version of the guy who dead-lifts 500 pounds, then drops the weight back on the floor to hear the thud. If a tree falls in the forest with no one around, does it fucking matter? There’s your koan for the day, damn it.
But, I’m just a second gen*** Taiwanese American who’s not in touch with her roots, so let me ask someone who is more in the know: My dearly beloved and long departed, Auntie Cherry Blossom. I fiddle with my phone to make sure my Taiwanese-ghost-to-English translation app (ghosttoenglishtranslator.com) is working properly. It’s a bit buggy, and I don’t want to miss one word of her ancient Taiwanese wisdom. To make sure she crosses the ethereal plane in a good mood, I put Michelle Kwan’s version of Gangnam Style on the guzheng on repeat.
I light the candles and jasmine incense, coughing madly as I do because of the damn incense clogging my sinuses, place my crystal ball on its stand, then I wait.
And wait some more. Goddamn Auntie Cherry Blossom running on Taiwanese Time and playing Mahjongg with her friends until the break of dawn, then sleeping until noon or one in the afternoon. I assume time has no meaning on the other side, but it doesn’t make me any less impatient. After what seems like forever, but is only seven listens of Gangnam Style on the guzheng, she emerges from the haze, pony-dancing like Psy from Gangnam Style. Believe me, you haven’t lived until you see an elderly Taiwanese woman getting her groove on.
“This song is my jam!” Auntie Cherry Blossom says, pony-dancing all over the room. “What craziness do you want to talk about this time?”
“I read this article about Vaginal Kung Fu. It’s where you put weights–”
“Are you putting things in your vagina again?” Auntie Cherry Blossom asks, cutting me off and giving me the gimlet eye. “I thought I made it clear last time I do not approve.”
“No, not me, but listen, Auntie. These women claim that it’s an ancient Taoist practice–”
“Just like Calgon is an ancient Chinese secret,” Auntie Cherry Blossom says with a cackle. She pulls out a cigarette and lights it up.
“Well, these women believe you can strengthen your pelvic floor muscles by putting weights in your puss–vagina. They’re selling it as Vaginal Kung Fu because of it being an ancient Taoist practice–” I stop because it sounds even stupider once I say it out loud. Auntie Cherry Blossom has been staring at me, and once I stop talking, she sighs and puts out her cigarette. She checks her watch, then speaks.
“I gotta go. It’s time for my stories, which are way more entertaining than this bullshit. Vaginal Kung Fu, bah. Why not just call it Drunken Vaginal Master? Or how about Crouching Vagina, Hidden Kung Fu? No creativity. That’s the problem with you Americans. Next time you want to talk, bring me a Big Mac. Your uncle won’t let me eat that them in the home. Says it puts him off his rice.”
“No! Next time you want to talk, it better not be about vaginas!” Auntie Cherry Blossom puts her hands over hear ears and squeezes her eyes shut. “I’m out!”
She vanishes in a poof, and I thank the ancestors for spending time with me before putting out the candles and the incense, then putting away the crystal ball.
There you have it, from the lips of an actual Asian woman, albeit a dead one who sounds surprisingly similar to me–don’t put weights in your vag, even under the guise of ‘Vaginal Kung Fu’. Me, I’ll stick to real kung fu (taiji) and Kegels. It’s less exotic, but both are actually good for my health. I’m sure even Auntie Cherry Blossom would agree.
*Read the whole article for actual tips on how to keep your vag strong and healthy, including how to do Kegels properly.
**My bet would be not.
***Or first gen, depending on how you look at it.