Underneath my yellow skin

Tag Archives: vag health

Better a Bee in Your Bonnet than a Ground-up Wasp Nest in Your Vag

Ed. Note: We here at POOG* are constantly on the look out for all things vag-related. We call upon you, the POOG patrol to point out any and all atrocities you see that concern the crotch (peen, too, though there’s less of that) to our administration. Tweet me @asiangrrlMN  or email me at asiangrrl29@yahoo.com with all your fascinating/horrific hoo-ha articles, and we will address the ones that tickle our yoni, er, fancy. This week’s installment is not related to Gwyneth, astonishingly enough, but don’t worry. We’ll get back to her soon. 

As my faithful readers know, I’m very committed to making sure my vag is in the best shape it can possibly be. That means I wash it regularly, which is all it needs because it’s self-cleaning. However, there’s a new ‘vaginal therapy’ that is all the rage on Etsy.** It’s putting oak gall up your hoo-ha to tighten and dry your vag because we all know that loose lips don’t get any dick! The gall of having flapping labia! (Get it?? The gall? No appreciation for my wit.) Oak gall is when a wasp deposits its larva into an oak tree. The tree becomes irritated (wouldn’t you?) and secretes tannic and gallic acids around the larvae. This formation is essential the gall, or as I like to call it, the gall ball. Hey, ho, it’s a gall ball party in your vag! Doesn’t that sound appetizing? Oh, and the gall is astringent, which makes it doubly fun. I don’t know about you, but I love putting untested astringent wasp excreta in my pussy. I could do that shit every day! Who doesn’t like a little sting and burn in her private parts? I certainly do! That’s why I slather my cervix with Sriracha every night before I go to bed. Sure, it means that my vag feels like its engorged with flames when I wake up, but that’s just an added benefit!

Once again, it’s up to Dr. Gunter, my Gwyneth Paltrow whisperer, who I have just promoted to vagina whisperer to give the medical 411 on why you shouldn’t insert gall balls into your lady bits. She handles the science, I deal with the sarcasm and snark. In her blog post on the subject, she tells you exactly why it’s a bad idea to put an unknown astringent up your hoo-ha. You wouldn’t think a grown woman would have to be told this, but here we are. I am thankful for Dr. Gunter’s tireless devotion to debunking all this vag-related hokum.

I also really appreciate that the purveyors of this bullshit are calling it traditional medicine. They claim that women in Southeast Asia, particularly Malaysia and Indonesia use it to snap their uteri back in shape after birthing some babies, and at least they went Southeast Asian this time for their mystical Orient bullshit rather than East Asian, but still. Stop using my global sisters to sell your shit, people! I know it gives your crap instant gravitas, but it’s racist as hell. “Peasant women in Malaysia are squatting in the rice fields, smearing their lady parts with ground up wasp nest to regain the pep in their puss!” It’s antiquated, outdated, and pretty foul to boot. It’s funny, really, how you never hear about a product being sold that was used by ancient Icelandic women or some shit. It’s always Asian women, and usually concubines/empresses. Otherwise, it’s tantric and yoni, which is also grotesque, albeit amusing in a dark way. Below is a satire video by Awkwafina and Margaret Cho (goddess!) skewering all the played-out and stale stereotypes about Asian women.

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Get Your Vag in (Kung Fu) Fightin’ Form!

Hey, ladies. Don’t you hate it when you’ve done your Kegels and you’ve stuffed jade eggs up your hoo-ha, and, yet, you feel as if your vag isn’t as strong as it should be? Well, then do I have the answer for you! It’s Vaginal Kung Fu, and it apparently has been all the rage for the past few years. I saw a mention of it on my Twitter by my Gwyneth Paltrow whisperer, Dr. Jen Gunter*, and I had to read her article because of my morbid curiosity. And because I needed a topic for this week’s POOG post, but that’s definitely secondary! She had me at Vaginal Kung Fu, yo! How could I not be drawn to the ancient art of my people as proposed by an American TV doctor (actual doctor with a talk show) with a 2 star rating on Yelp!? And, with all the anti-choice bills the Republicans are pushing and passing, my vag needs to be in tiptop shape to fight!

I wanna be Vaginal Kung-Fu fightin’!
My uterus will kick as fast as lightning!
I can feel my pelvic muscles tightening!
This is gonna be so enlightening!

The article that Dr. Gunter is dissecting appeared in Allure magazine, and I read it with increasing horror and amazement. There’s an update to the article warning of the risks–they didn’t think to include that in the actual article, mind you–and they quote Dr. Hilda Hutcherson, MD, a professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Columbia University Medical Center, “Kegels are great! Everyone should do them. But some women can’t figure out which muscle to contract.” She adds, “The vaginal weights make that easy and more fun.” I think the good doctor and I need to have a chat about her idea of fun. Also, if a woman doesn’t know how to do Kegels properly, she can ask her doctor. What? No, Minna, get out! What a revolutionary idea! Now why would I want to do that when I can simply shove weights into my vag in the privacy of my own home? Never mind that I might not know how heavy the weights should be and that you still have to contract the muscles around the weight, I should just do it! Oh, wait. I should ask my doctor about it first? Then why the fuck wouldn’t I just ask how to do Kegels properly? (Read Dr. Gunter’s article linked above for tips on how to do exactly that. Yes, I know I footnoted it, but it’s important enough to mention again.)

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Steam Your Veggies, Not Your Vag!

Ed. Note: I’ve seen for years the ridiculousness that is Gwyneth Paltrow’s goop website and have rolled my eyes at her advice to gullible women across the country. I wouldn’t give a shit about her quackery except it gets dutifully reported every time she throws out a wild idea. I don’t like Coldplay and have never given much thought to Chris Martin, but after watching him on Carpool Karaoke, he’s OK with me. I’m glad he consciously uncoupled from Gwyneth, and I wish him all the best in the future. Anyway, I was pushed over the edge recently by reading part of an article on jade eggs (don’t ask) from Gwyneth, and I tweeted that I was going to start the anti-goop website in which I parodied that bullshit, but also gave correct information on pussy business at the same time. I decided to incorporate it into my blog instead, so here we are. This is the first post. Enjoy!

Do not steam your pussy; she will hate you for it.

Ladies, we need to have a frank talk about your vag health. Oh, I know, it’s not the thing to discuss it in polite company, but I have never cared much about being polite. We do things every day to take care of others. Our partners, our kids, our parents, our animals, our friends, and everyone else in our lives. When was the last time you took care of you? I know how hard it can be to squeeze in your hot yoga class after work and before dinner. Then, you have to walk the dog when you get home, whip up a tasty and healthy dinner in twenty minutes, and make sure the kids have finished their homework before they download rated R movies on Netflix without your knowledge. Then, you have to check your email and make sure that sexy yoga instructor has used your private account to email you and not the one you share with your husband. When you have a moment to think, you realize that you haven’t paid particular attention to your puss in…well, you can’t remember the last time you thought about your girl parts! We’re here to change that right now.

I’m sure you’ve read about the hotness that is steaming your vagina. Noted gynecologist, Gwyneth Paltrow extolled the virtue of this procedure a few years ago, and she pooh-poohed the idea that there was no scientific basis for this procedure. Who needs science, amirite? Not us, especially not now under this president. Science is a four-letter word, and we need not speak of it again. If Gwyneth says it’s good for your vag, then who are we to argue*? Never mind that the vagina cleans itself. Never mind that all it really needs is soap and water. That shit don’t get clicks, son! Gotta push the woo-hoo for the hoo-ha! I mean, who doesn’t want to sit on a Throne of Steam and feel like a vag queen? Not I, I can tell you that much.

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