Underneath my yellow skin

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Steam Your Veggies, Not Your Vag!

Ed. Note: I’ve seen for years the ridiculousness that is Gwyneth Paltrow’s goop website and have rolled my eyes at her advice to gullible women across the country. I wouldn’t give a shit about her quackery except it gets dutifully reported every time she throws out a wild idea. I don’t like Coldplay and have never given much thought to Chris Martin, but after watching him on Carpool Karaoke, he’s OK with me. I’m glad he consciously uncoupled from Gwyneth, and I wish him all the best in the future. Anyway, I was pushed over the edge recently by reading part of an article on jade eggs (don’t ask) from Gwyneth, and I tweeted that I was going to start the anti-goop website in which I parodied that bullshit, but also gave correct information on pussy business at the same time. I decided to incorporate it into my blog instead, so here we are. This is the first post. Enjoy!

Do not steam your pussy; she will hate you for it.

Ladies, we need to have a frank talk about your vag health. Oh, I know, it’s not the thing to discuss it in polite company, but I have never cared much about being polite. We do things every day to take care of others. Our partners, our kids, our parents, our animals, our friends, and everyone else in our lives. When was the last time you took care of you? I know how hard it can be to squeeze in your hot yoga class after work and before dinner. Then, you have to walk the dog when you get home, whip up a tasty and healthy dinner in twenty minutes, and make sure the kids have finished their homework before they download rated R movies on Netflix without your knowledge. Then, you have to check your email and make sure that sexy yoga instructor has used your private account to email you and not the one you share with your husband. When you have a moment to think, you realize that you haven’t paid particular attention to your puss in…well, you can’t remember the last time you thought about your girl parts! We’re here to change that right now.

I’m sure you’ve read about the hotness that is steaming your vagina. Noted gynecologist, Gwyneth Paltrow extolled the virtue of this procedure a few years ago, and she pooh-poohed the idea that there was no scientific basis for this procedure. Who needs science, amirite? Not us, especially not now under this president. Science is a four-letter word, and we need not speak of it again. If Gwyneth says it’s good for your vag, then who are we to argue*? Never mind that the vagina cleans itself. Never mind that all it really needs is soap and water. That shit don’t get clicks, son! Gotta push the woo-hoo for the hoo-ha! I mean, who doesn’t want to sit on a Throne of Steam and feel like a vag queen? Not I, I can tell you that much.

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