Underneath my yellow skin

The Real Winners and Losers of the Super Bowl

So the round-shaped vessel of the pointy-ball happened last weekend, and I watched it because I’m a casual sports fan, but I was really there for the commercials (as was most of the people watching, I assume). The commercials have gotten increasingly bad over the years, but for whatever reason, I remain hopeful that there will be good commercials. There were a few, but by far the vast majority were bland and boring. There were a few terrible ones, too, but really, most were just forgettable. Here’s my list of winners and losers.

Winners

Patriots haters. Like me. The game itself was actually exciting for once, and having the Eagles pull it out at the last moment was the best! Watching Tom Brady get sacked instead of throwing a last-second touchdown pass was a thing of beauty.

Commercial-wise, my favorite commercial was the Peter Dinklage & Busta Rhyme/Morgan Freeman & Missy Elliott Doritos/Mountain Dew mash-up. It was funny; it was fresh; and Missy Elliott is QUEEN. I like the concept, and I love the way it was shot. Also, I would not kick Peter Dinklage out of bed for eating Doritos.

I’ve watched it and the other videos with the foursome several times, and I think they are the best.

However, Doritos had to erase all that goodwill by talking about how ladies don’t like crunching loudly in public and are too delicate to like Doritos dust off their fingers in front of other people, so they were considering ‘Lady Doritos’. The CEO of PepsiCo was saying this ish, and it’s a woman, y’all. They frantically walked it back, saying it was never being considered, but the quote from the CEO was still out there. She actually said they were planning a low-crunch, less sticky version of some unnamed product, but come on. We all know it’s Doritos. We’re not fucking stupid.

Look. I wasn’t going to buy Doritos because of the ad, anyway, but this certainly makes me less likely to buy any Pepsi product. The crunching loudly is the best goddamn part of eating chips, and I’m going to do it regardless of if I’m in public or not.

But! This is meant to be a fun, silly list, so let’s go to my second-favorite commercial (which is second by only a hair). Eli Manning and Odell Beckham Jr. dancing to a song (you know the one) from Dirty Dancing during a Giants practice session with other members of the Giants getting in on the fun.

This made me completely revise my opinion of Eli Manning. The video is joyous and goofy, and it’s done with such passion by everyone involved. It makes me laugh in happiness every time I see it. Odell Beckham Jr. is such a cutie, too!

The reason I like it so much is that they’re all just having a blast, and there is absolutely no whiff of ‘no homo’ in the ad. Seeing all these big burly dudes getting their groove on is so refreshing.


Give me more of this and less of Peyton Manning shilling crappy pizza any day!

Losers

Now for the worst. For the first half of the game, febreze won it easily with their his #bleepdontstink commercial. Seriously. What the fuck was that? The reason it fails for me is not that they swore (by inference), but that they tried to play it both ways. They wanted the shock of swearing, but they didn’t actually have the guts to do it, so they used the coy ‘bleep’ instead. Come the fuck on. I mean, it’s a childish idea in the first place (hee hee his shit don’t stink), but if you’re going to do that, say the actual fucking word.

I thought they would be the bottom because really, what could possibly be worse than–what the actual fuck, Dodge? No. Just, noooooooo! That was my reaction when the RAM commercial (the second one. The first one was pretty bad, too, but nothing like this) started playing, and I heard the iconic voice of Martin Luther King Jr. as the voice-over.

Seriously. Using MLK Jr. to hawk your trucks is not fucking cool, Dodge. Yes, the commercial was supposedly about service to the community or some such, but it was in appallingly bad taste, and I cannot believe someone didn’t say, “Hey, you know what? Maybe we should not use the voice of a cultural civil rights icon to sell our fucking trucks.”

One of my tweeps, @infinitewords14, gave me some background on the Dodge Revolutionary Union Movement, which makes the commercial even worse in some ways. I won’t get into the whole appropriation thing, but this was just a gross commercial. It still leaves a foul taste in my mouth days after seeing it.

*Honorable mention* to T-Mobile for it’s ‘you can be anything you want to be’ commercial. I found it smug and condescending, and it really missed the mark. Look. You’re selling me a product. Period. Don’t insult my intelligence and try to pretend our ‘relationship’ is more than transactional. I give you money; you give me a product. Dassit. “You can love anyone you want. AND buy an outstanding phone plan for only $9.99 a month!”

Yeah, no. Plus, You don’t get to shortcut doing actual work for equality just by mouthing some nice-sounding platitudes and calling it a day. The reason it’s an honorable mention and not on the actual list is because I completely forgot the commercial ten minutes later. So while it annoyed and irked me, it didn’t have lasting power.

*Honorable mention* to the Tide ads. They were stupid and mildly disturbing. They had the effect of ‘I will never buy this product’, which I’m pretty sure is not what they wanted to elicit from me. Again, it’s only an honorable mention because I promptly forgot about the ads and was only reminded by a mention of Tide pods after I finished this post. Had they stuck with me longer, they would have been on the actual list.

 

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