One of the way allies are encouraged to be supportive of trans/nonbinary people is by putting their pronouns in their email sigs. I’ve seen this subject come up from time to time on Ask a Manager. Almost every time, nonbinary folk and trans folk point out that it’s not helpful to people who aren’t out yet. In fact, it can be harmful. They usually get ignored or talked over, which is a shame because they’re the ones who are actually affected by this.
I have another perspective as someone who is not nonbinary or trans, but also not…binary? Is that the right? I’m questioning my gender identity, I guess is the best way to say it. For now, I’m leaning towards redefining ‘woman’ to mean what I want it to mean rather than ditching it completely because I identify most closely with it. I am not a man. I’m sure about that. I don’t feel like a woman, exactly, either, and don’t identify with ‘she’. I’ve written about that ad nauseam as well. However, I feel more affinity with women than men because of shared experiences and my history of being perceived as a woman. For now, I am provisionally neutral about being called a woman. I would prefer to not bring it up at all, but that’s not always possible.
But I get caught out when it comes to adding your pronouns to your email sig or to your Twitter bio or what not. I get that it’s meant to be supportive of trans/nonbinary people, but it just increases the invisibility I already feel. I have this issue with being Asian because we don’t exist in America, apparently, when it comes to racial issues. I’m not trans. I’m not a man. I prayed to God to make me a boy when I was a kid, but that was because I got so much shit for being me while being female, not because I actually felt like I was a boy.
I’m not a guy. Check. This is how I do everything, by the way, by crossing off what I’m NOT and seeing what’s left. It’s not a great way to figure out what I am, but I don’t really have anything that I am to relate to. Back to gender identity. I linger over nonbinary because that feels like it should be the one for me. But, for whatever, reason, it doesn’t quite feel right, either. I don’t care for they/them in describing myself. I just don’t. I don’t like any of the neopronouns, either. She/her is like…at least I recognize those pronouns. They don’t feel like me, but they’re not completely off, either. Like the dorm room I lived in for a year. It’s temporarily home, but not permanent. And I’ve outgrown it.
I don’t mind, exactly, if other people call me a woman or want to find solidarity, but it’s no longer something I automatically associate with myself. It’s weird because before I ended up in the hospital, I was leaning towards ditching the label woman and saying I was agender. Then, after my medical experience and having my body being treated with dignity and respect from a plethora of diverse people, well, I swung back to wanting to stamp my claim on ‘woman’. Meaning, making it fit me rather than relinquishing it to a nebulous ‘them’ who looked down on me for not being feminine enough.
I waver back and forth between the two notions because I’m not sure which one I prefer. It’s funny because my brother and I were talking about gender identity. My brother is not the most sensitive guy in the world. He will cheerfully tell you this himself. When I was in the hospital, he told the social workers that if I died, I died–he couldn’t worry about that. I laughed when he told me about it because it’s so him–and it’s my favorite story about him from that time. Anyway, as we were talking about gender identity, I explained how I wasn’t a fan of she/her, was not he/him, and did not care for they/them. In other words, I didn’t know which pronouns to use. He listened to me and then said, “It sounds like you just want to be Minna.” Which, yes. YES. One thing about my brother being more literal-minded is that he can cut through all my belly button-gazing and get to the heart of the matter.
This is what I want. I want people to use my name and not any pronoun. The problem is that this solution is seen as disrespectful of trans people and a way of trying to get around calling them their proper pronouns. Which, I get. In my case, though, it’s really what I prefer because I don’t like any of the goddamn pronouns. Yes, it’s awkward to say, “Minna went to the store because Minna needed to buy broccoli,” but that’s what I would prefer to any pronoun for the second ‘Minna’.
To further complicate matters, it’s not a hill I’m going to die on. I prefer not to be called a woman or she/her, but it doesn’t (really) bother me when it happens. It’s a mild annoyance rather than a rage-inducement. I consider it close enough rather than completely off.
It probably is going to come off as disingenuous or dismissive, but it’s not a top concern to me at the moment. I am not saying it’s not important in general or that other people are wrong for struggling with it. What I’m saying is that for me at this time, it’s not a priority. I’m also not saying that I may not want to figure it out at another time. I reserve the right to do just that. But for now? I’m comfortable with going with the default option of woman. It’s what I always choose when I play video games (though I make the character as….it’s complicated. Of course it is. I make my characters as burly as possible. With long hair and big boobs. Minimal makeup. Clothing varies from functional to traditionally feminine. I put a tat on my character if I can.
When I was in my twenties and just came out as bi, I went to a queer Asian women event. It was really empowering. We played the ‘place everyone on the butch/femme spectrum (hey, it was the ’90s) and no one could place me. Not because I had the typical androgynous look, but because I was a mixture of both typically femme and butch.
Years later, a big butch of a lesbian said she didn’t know what to do with me. I had long hair and big boobs, but I loved sports and didn’t wear makeup or care about fashion. Again, this was a while ago, but I took those comments as compliments. I don’t like being pigeonholed.)
I pride myself on fucking up expectations. I like being who I am without having to pin it down. Which is why I find the pronoun debate so hard for me. You know, it occurs to me that I should read up more on genderfluidity. I think I could maybe find more of a home there than in nonbinary. At any rate, for now, I’m just…Minna.