I haven’t dated in over a decade. The last time I was with someone, he love-bombed me to the point that we were planning on forever being together. It was all him, honestly, and my desire to be with someone (and to please the person I’m with) that made me go along with it. I’m not a good partner, which is one reason I haven’t dated in a decade. After a whirlwind romance and a heartbreaking dump of me by him, I vowed off dating for a year. That year stretched out into several years.
Right before the pandemic hit, I started thinking about dating again. Obviously, that went on the backburner when the pandemic hit, but I had given some thought into what I actually wanted. I don’t want a lifetime partner; I enjoy being by myself too much. Me and Shadow work really well together; that’s all I want in my day-to-day life. He’s on my legs right now, his left forearm extended over the edge of the couch. He’s taking his fifth nap of the day and enjoying life to its fullest.
Here’s the bottom line. I like to do my own thing. I don’t like having to compromise. I don’t want to do what the other person wants to do all the time. Some of the time, fine, but not all of the time. If I want to eat cereal at three in the morning, then that’s what I’m going to do. If I want to play Elden Ring for four hours straight–hell, yeah! Nobody better say boo to me. Part of the reason I’m so adamant about this is because I tend to let people take advantage of me. I was taught at a very young age that my feelings don’t matter. My only purpose was to serve others–especially my parents. They are both narcissistic in their own way (sometimes in confusingly opposing ways). Add to that the fact that I can feel other people’s emotions, and, well, let’s just say it’s better for me to be on my own or with a trusted person.
So when I started thinking about dating, I had to really consider what I wanted–and more importantly, what I didn’t want. First of all, I’m an outside the norm in almost everything. I’m fat, middle-aged, Asian, queer, genderqueer/agender, apathetic about religion, apathetic about gender, apathetic about, well, lots of things that other people seem to think are important. Movies and television shows fall under this umbrella as well. Most of music, too. I just don’t care.
I’ve pulled back on the pandemic. It just doesn’t terrify me the way it used to. In part because I’m fully vaxxed (no booster yet), but more because, well, my perspective was turned 180 while I was in the hospital. Suddenly, I had more important things to worry about–more immediate things. That’s something having a death-defying experience will do for you–change your priorities in a hurry.
I’m bringing that over into dating. I’ve had my issues with dating for decades. I have a love/hate relationship with the whole concept, which means I’ve put it off for a long time. I don’t buy that you have to be coupled in order to be a whole person. All that bullshit about it makes you a grownup (learning to compromise) and that it’s somehow selfish to be single. That was what I was told in my formative years. That plus having children. These were two things that you had to do in order to be considered a real adult, especially as a female-shaped person. I can’t tell you how many times I was told I was not doing my duty as a woman when I said I did not want to have children. My mom actually told me what I wanted did not matter; it was my duty.
This is one reason I started questioning my gender. After a lifetime of being told that I was not a real woman, I waved the white flag and said, fine. So be it. I’m not a woman. I hear you loud and clear. Before I ended up in the hospital, I had eschewed the feminine pronouns, but did not adapt ‘they/them’. I just did not want pronouns at all. I wasn’t comfortable with nonbinary, but I didn’t feel like a woman, either. I was definitely not a man. Even though I wished to be turned into a boy when I was a little girl. That was more because I felt being a little girl was a raw deal, though, which I still feel to this day.
Side Note: Many of the gatekeepers of femininity are women. It’s sad, but that’s how it often works. Internalized sexism at its finest. It was only women who chastised me for not wanting children. It was women who nagged me about my weight or my fashion/makeup. And it was definitely women who judged me for with whom I slept. I’m not saying dudes weren’t sexist–it was just in a very different ways. It was the women who mostly criticized my femininity.
Right before I ended up in the hospital, I had come to the conclusion that I did not like the feminine pronouns (but still did not like they/them and definitely not he/him). Once my medical trauma hit, things changed. I no longer had body issues or thought I was ugly. But, more to the point, I no longer cared about gender. I still don’t identify with ‘she/her’, but it doesn’t bother me when other people use them for me. That’s why I’ve chosen to say that I’m agender. I like genderqueer for a similar reason; queer is such a good word. I like the traditional meaning of it–weird. I also like it in terms of sexual identity. That’s why I gave up bisexual as well; it felt limiting, whereas queer is more encompassing. It’s flexible and can mean what I want it to mean. Don’t box me in, man!
Back to dating. I’m weird. I know it. For many decades, I’ve tried to hide it from the gen pop. Well, not hide .I can never hide it. But to deemphasize it as much as possible. Now, however, I just don’t give a fuck. Like I’ve said before, my face? I’m cute as fuck, yo! My body? So grateful it carried me through the worst night of my life–which included dying twice. I have nothing but love for my body and what it went through.
Taiji has helped with that. It’s been fifteen years that I’ve studied it, and it’s gone from a begrudging once-a-week class thing to an hour-and-a-half daily practice thing. A ‘I need to learn all the weapons’ thing. My teacher is currently teaching me the Cane Form and we’re in the last row. I am also on the last row of the Karambit Form, which is not Taiji. I’m teaching myself the Left Side of the Double Sabre Form and the Right Side (‘normal’ side) of the Fan Form. I’m also refamiliarizing myself with the Long (Solo) Form, currently on the second of three sections.
Taiji is important to me, especially the weapons. FromSoft games are also important to me. I’m gorging myself on Elden Ring. 100+ hours in and not even halfway through (I think). I love this game, but it’s not perfect. The things that irritate me about From games are still there. The things that bother me about open world games are there as well , though not in quite the same way. It’s my second-favorite From game (right behind Dark Souls III), and it just might overtake the latter by the time I’m done with it.
If I’m going to date someone, they will have to at least show some interest in these two things. They don’t have to be as into them as I am, obviously, but they can’t show a complete disdain for them, either. My mother tries to guilt me about us not being close any longer (we never were, but she tends to spin things to suit her), but any time I try to talk about any part of my life, she just moves onto something else.
Bottom line is that I like spending the majority of time with myself (and Shadow). If I’m going to date someone, they’re going to have to be at least a good of a companion to me as Shadow, if not better. Because, otherwise, why would I bother?