I haven’t dated in over a decade. The last time I was with someone, he love-bombed me to the point that we were planning on forever being together. It was all him, honestly, and my desire to be with someone (and to please the person I’m with) that made me go along with it. I’m not a good partner, which is one reason I haven’t dated in a decade. After a whirlwind romance and a heartbreaking dump of me by him, I vowed off dating for a year. That year stretched out into several years.
Right before the pandemic hit, I started thinking about dating again. Obviously, that went on the backburner when the pandemic hit, but I had given some thought into what I actually wanted. I don’t want a lifetime partner; I enjoy being by myself too much. Me and Shadow work really well together; that’s all I want in my day-to-day life. He’s on my legs right now, his left forearm extended over the edge of the couch. He’s taking his fifth nap of the day and enjoying life to its fullest.
Here’s the bottom line. I like to do my own thing. I don’t like having to compromise. I don’t want to do what the other person wants to do all the time. Some of the time, fine, but not all of the time. If I want to eat cereal at three in the morning, then that’s what I’m going to do. If I want to play Elden Ring for four hours straight–hell, yeah! Nobody better say boo to me. Part of the reason I’m so adamant about this is because I tend to let people take advantage of me. I was taught at a very young age that my feelings don’t matter. My only purpose was to serve others–especially my parents. They are both narcissistic in their own way (sometimes in confusingly opposing ways). Add to that the fact that I can feel other people’s emotions, and, well, let’s just say it’s better for me to be on my own or with a trusted person.
So when I started thinking about dating, I had to really consider what I wanted–and more importantly, what I didn’t want. First of all, I’m an outside the norm in almost everything. I’m fat, middle-aged, Asian, queer, genderqueer/agender, apathetic about religion, apathetic about gender, apathetic about, well, lots of things that other people seem to think are important. Movies and television shows fall under this umbrella as well. Most of music, too. I just don’t care.
I’ve pulled back on the pandemic. It just doesn’t terrify me the way it used to. In part because I’m fully vaxxed (no booster yet), but more because, well, my perspective was turned 180 while I was in the hospital. Suddenly, I had more important things to worry about–more immediate things. That’s something having a death-defying experience will do for you–change your priorities in a hurry.