Underneath my yellow skin

The good, the bad, and the ugly of being a freak

yellow and mellow.
Yellow and different–that’s me.

Yesterday, I commented to my taiji teacher that one of the good things about growing up a freak (both of us did) was that it gave us a lot of time being comfortable with liking things that other people thought weird. It was in conjunction to the fact that I had someone on my FB saying she didn’t see why on earth people played video games after I posted a pic from Monster Hunter World, and while I didn’t get into it on the post, I immediately thought, “Why is it so hard to believe that someone might like something you don’t?” I’ve never gotten that, really. Being so mainstream in your interest, you can’t fathom anyone not liking what you like is something I can’t even begin to imagine.

I like that I’m not invested so much in anything I’m passionate about, I take it as a personal affront if someone else doesn’t like it at all. I will say, don’t be a dick if you don’t like something someone else is enthusiastic about, though. That’s never very nice. However, I have so much experiencing being on the outside, I don’t take offense if people wrinkle their noses when I say I like something. I’ve mentioned it before, but I will cheerfully admit that my taste in music is garbage which takes the wind out of the sails of people wanting to slag me for the music I listen to. My taiji teacher likes loud experimental noise music, and I like cheesy pop music (not exclusively, but considerably more than is good for me).

I tend to like the niche in things other than music. Well, it used to be true in books because I’m an avid mystery reader, but it’s become so mainstream, I can no longer claim it as a niche. Also, there are several different sub-genres within the broad category of ‘mystery’ including literary, just FYI. In movies, I prefer indie films and ones with a psychological bent. I’m not huge into action movies, and I hate romcoms. In video games, I like Souls, which used to be niche but now is the standard. I kid. It’s still pretty niche, even though it’s a popular niche. I’m currently watching the intro bit to Death’s Gambit, a Souls-like game that was in development for ages. I forgot about it except when there was an update now and again, but then it was dropped without fanfare, which made me suspicious. The rating on Steam is mixed, so I decided to watch a few Let’s Plays of the intro areas (up to the first boss, but also extra boss in the beta demo, which was last week. Again, with no fanfare) to make up my mind.

What is Death’s Gambit? It’s a 2D Souls-like Metroidvania. I feel like I’ve been saying that way too often about games because there are many Souls clones out there. The graphics are gorgeous, and I was immediately drawn into the world. The music is appropriately atmospheric, and it’s soothing. One of the streamers I watched, RockLeeSmile, picked wizard to play as, which unnecessarily excited me. No one EVER plays as a caster on stream, and while I understand why (it’s not that exciting to watch, tbh), it’s hard for me to gauge my experience with a game if I don’t see a caster. That’s another way I’m different–being a caster.  It’s decried in Souls-like games, but I don’t give a fuck.  If it’s in the game, it’s fair play. In addition, as I’ve said, now that I’ve played both caster and melee, I can say with confidence that melee is easier than caster BY FAR*, so I side-eye all the streamers who unthinkingly repeat the blather than being a caster in baby/easy mode.

Anyhoo, this is not yet another screed about the toxicity of the Dark Souls community. It’s about the pros and cons of being an oddball. Another pro is that I’m very comfortable being by myself because I’ve done it for so long. I actually prefer it, which is both a plus and a minus. I’ll get more into that later. It’s just me and my cat, Shadow, and we get along really well–except for in the morning when he’s mewing and pawing at me to get up because he’s STARVING and needs wet food RIGHT NOW. Never mind that I free-feed him–he needs the wet stuff! It doesn’t help that my sleep schedule is all over the map so he’s never sure when he’s getting his breakfast, but he can be assured he’ll get it at some point.

I’m used to being alone with my thoughts–indeed, I’m comfortable with it. I’m very good at arguing with myself, and I can do it for hours. I like that I’m constantly questioning myself and my positions, but it can be wearying sometimes. I envy people with undeserved confidence, and I sometimes think how much better my life would have been if I wasn’t doubting myself every step of the way. On the other hand, I have a deeper understanding of myself than many people do, I think. When I had sex for the first time, I realized that everything I learned in church was bullshit. I never was a true believer, but I tried so hard. I wanted to believe; I really did. Once I had sex, though, and it felt so fucking good, I couldn’t believe it’s what would send me to hell. Once that main tenet of Christianity was gone, the rest crumbled into dust as well.

Then, a few years later, I realized that I didn’t want kids. Oh, I knew it since I was a wee child myself–I never played mommy and baby–but I never knew it was a possibility because it’s so indoctrinated into little girls that they’re main function in life is to be mothers. When the treacherous idea that I didn’t *have* to be a mother entered my mind at the tender age of 22, it was as if the heavens parted and a choir of angels started singing. I don’t think I can overstate what a relief it was to realize that there was no law (yet) decreeing that I had to spawn children other than societal pressure, and it’s the best realization of my life.

In my late twenties/early thirties, I realized I didn’t want to get married. That didn’t cause me any grief, but it wasn’t something other people wanted to hear. Although, to be fair, it caused me less aggro than the decision not to have children. I go so much shit for that. A few years ago, I started re-thinking whether I wanted to be in a romantic relationship or not. I debated with myself for a long time, and I realized that, no, I really don’t. Not a monogamous, long-term, full-time romantic relationship, anyway. Which leads to my current situation.

I’m horny as hell. Imma be frank with you. It’s been building for the past several months, and now, I really want to get laid. But, here’s the problem with parsing every bit of my personality to the extent I have (and being an oddball). I am acutely aware of how weird I am. While I’m OK with it in general, I realize that every deviation from the norm means I have less chance of finding a compatible fit. I also know, however, that it’s a false dichotomy because there is never a perfect fit for anyone. My BFF used to say, “Everyone has baggage; you just need to find someone who’s luggage is complementary to yours.” She’s been with her husband for thirty-three years, so she knows a thing or two about relationships.

I’ve said it a million times, but what I want is someone who’s a buddy. I want to be able to have dinner, watch a show or a game, fuck, then go home/make them go home. I’d like this a few times a week, and I wouldn’t be averse to having a few such buddies. The problem is, I am very low-energy. It’s one reason I don’t want a romantic relationship–it’s too much work. I don’t mean work in the sense of it being painful, but work as in you have to show up and be present. I don’t want that on a daily basis for many reasons. One plus with knowing myself so well is that I know I’m not at my best when I’m in a romantic relationship. Plus, the idea of having to be accountable to someone 24/7 is stifling to me.

Hey, it’s better that I know these things about myself now instead of getting into a romantic relationship and acting up. I’ve done that in the past, and it’s not something I’d recommend. In addition, I tended to be attracted to people I can’t have/aren’t attracted to me because of my own mixed feelings about commitment. Straight women, gay men, married people, etc. It’s sad, but I feel most emotionally comfortable with unavailable people. I know it’s from issues in my childhood, but I haven’t worked through them just yet.

I want sex. I want a friend. I want to not have to put too much effort into the relationship/s. I am not polyamorous per se (as in none of the definitions really appeal to me), nor would I consider myself strictly aromantic. I wouldn’t be completely against a romantic relationship with the right person and the right circumstances, but I don’t really see that happening. When I start naming all the things I don’t want, I become more worried it’s hopeless to find what I do want. I’ve been called too picky many times in my life, and I do think I might be a bit unreasonable as to what I want.

Then again, I just might need to meet more people. It’s easy to feel isolated and like a weirdo when I’m, well, isolated. I don’t interact with people on a regular basis except in a very superficial manner/in taiji class. The former is not conducive to hooking up, while the latter is not a place I want to go trawling. Not only all of my classmates taken, I wouldn’t want to eat where I shit. If we get newbies, I would feel really uncomfortable viewing them as mere meat market opportunities, and I wouldn’t want to put them off taking taiji.

I know I need to either use dating apps (which is not going well so far) or take a class or something, but I feel stuck in ‘I can’t do that’. I have no answers, but I’m hoping to work towards having fantastic sex on the regular. That would be my ideal.




*Not in Salt & Sanctuary, though, and I think it’s because it has one less D. Being able to roll in the third D is a big perk for melee, but it’s not as necessary as a caster.

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