I have sleep issues; I’ve had them since I was a kid. I still remember when I was six or seven, I would stay up until midnight to read. How? I would place a t-shirt in the crack under my door and then just use a flashlight to read under my covers. Ever since I was seven, I did not go to bed before midnight. I couldn’t. That’s just what I did. That’s always been my sleep pattern, and it’s not something that I can easily change. Any time I try to make a substantial change, I just find myself draaaaaaaagging myself back to my normal time.
The only time I slept a normal people schedule was when I was in the hospital for my medical crisis and for a few months after. Then, I was going to bed at 10 p.m. and getting up at 6 a.m. By a year after I had my medical crisis, I had reverted to going to bed around 2 or 3 and getting up eight hours later. I was the most rested I’ve been in my life. Granted, it took a major medical trauma to get me to that point AND tons of powerful drugs, but still.
I have tried to rein it in and go to bed at a more reasonable time. It has failed miserably every time. I have given up on it, but I’m trying to make sure I don’t go too much further in the sleeping late at night realm. Then again, I have toyed with the idea of pushing my sleep schedule forward to lap back to a normal people decent time.
I just can’t do it. I have tried and tried, but I just haven’t been able to do it. I can pull it back bit by bit, but then I’ll lose it all plus a couple of hours in the next night. So, let’s say I was going to bed at 4 a.m. I would be able to pull it back to 3:30 a.m. for a couple nights, then 3 a.m. for the next couple. I might be able to inch it to 2 a.m., but then a few nights later, it would be up to 5 a.m. again.
I am currently going to bed around 7 a.m. I’m setting myself a limit of 2:30 p.m. to get up, which means I’m not getting a full eight hours. Today, I had an appointment at 10 a.m., so I tried to go to bed early; I really did. I wanted to get to bed by 3 a.m. I think I managed five a.m, but just. I was going to get up at 9:30 a.m., but I woke up at ten to 9 a.m. That’s how I do when I absolutely have to get up at at any given time. And I’m still up. Why? because that’s just how the fuck I am.
I’m not happy about it, mind, but I really don’t think there’s much I can do to change it. Or rather, there’s not much I am willing to do to change it.
I have tried so many different things to change my sleeping behavior, but none of them have worked in the long run. Sleeping pills just made me sleep for fifteen hours. Even when I broke them in half and half again, I just could not wake up. Melatonin did jackshit. Chamomille tea (or any other supposedly comforting herbal tea)–nope. Hot mlik, hot bath, sex, no. The last one, especially, just revs me up. Warm blanket? No. Cooling blanket? Also no (though it does keep me nice and chill when I do actually manage to fall asleep). Exercise at any time of day doesn’t help. Caffeine doesn’t hurt, but it also doesn’t help.
Staying up until I’m about to drop doesn’t help. For whatever reason, when I reach that point, I just become wide awake. Cuddling with my cats never helped (though it made me feel better in general.). No screen an hour before sleep? I don’t know because I’ve never managed that. Listening to a podcast sometimes help me fall asleep, but it also wakes me up at times, too.
I’ve accepted that I’m just not going to be able to get the sleep I need. Also, that I’ll never have a ‘normal’ sleep schedule.
By the way, there’s something called sleep phase dysfunction. Loosely defined, it means that your sleep is so out of rhythm with your surroundings, it’s causing you significant issues. There have been studies that show that if you are very out of sync sleepwise with your environments, it has a negative effect on you.
While I’m not disagreeing with that, I do disagree that it should be called a dysfunction or be labeled as a mental health issue. Why? Because it’s hewing to the norms which don’t really need to be the norm. The work day doesn’t have to start at eight or nine–it could start later.
I’m not saying it’s realistic to get everyone to change their schedule because of me, obviously, but what I’m saying is that I’m not necessarily the broken one.
This is similar to how people with ADHD or autism are treated–that there is something wrong with them (us) rather than society is brutal to anyone who is different (and maybe it shouldn’t be that way). There’s something in the autistic world call the double empathy problem. For normies, they just assume there’s something wrong with neurodivergent people. if there is miscommunication between the two.
The double empathy problem states that it’s not just a one-way street if there’s a problem between a ‘normie’ and a neurodivergent person. In other words, it doesn’t place all the burden and blame on the latter–which is a refreshing way to think of things–and a relief.
It’s the same with the sleep phase dysfunction thing. Yes, people who are on a drastically different schedule than the world is, of course they are going to feel depressed, anxious, or a variety of other negative feelings. That doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with them, necessarily. I do agree that if it’s negatively affecting them, they might want to see a doctor to get help with changing their sleep–if that’s what they truly want. However, if instead thy prefer to say fuck society and just do their own thing–I’m down with that, too.
What I would love to see with these kinds of issues is flexibility. I’m not even asking for the normies to adapt to my schedule. I know that’s folly and an impossible ask. I just don’t understand why they couldn’t show a bit more flexibility. Same with starting things even an hour later. Though that’s not really going to help me.
More tomorrow.