Today, I had a private lesson. My goal was to focus on the Solo Long Form, but when my teacher came over, we started talking about other things as was our wont. One thing I mentioned was how much trouble I was having with my sleep. That’s not ususual for me in general, but it’s been really bad for me. My teacher suggested that when I could not sleep, I do a portion of the Solo (Long) Form until I got bored and ready to fall asleep.
One of her teacher’s teacher firmly believes that there is no style of martial art beyond human style. He also does his Taiji with his weight fully forward rather than 70% forward. That’s for combat rather than health, and I much prefer that. My teacher’s teacher has been teaching his students to practice by taking the first section of the form and taking five minutes to do it. That’s a really long time. A REALLY long time. I did it today with my teacher after she did it, and it was so hard. I spent over a minute on the preparation and beginning combined, and then I rushed the rest of the first half of the form.
This was an exercise to be aware of what you were doing while practicing and to really sharpen your focus. I was able to do the first section with seventeen seconds to spare. Not bad, but I really struggled to even do that well. I tend to go really fast, and if I do slow down, then I go waaaaaay too slow. To do it slow enough but not too slow is a struggle.
I also talked to my teacher about how difficult it was to not fall into the American trap of pushing yourself too hard at all times. Since I’d been writing about it for the past few days, it was at the top of my mind. I’m a bit frustrated that I forgot an easy move while teaching myself the Bagua Knives Form, and I vented a bit about it to her. She said that it was good that I had caught it at all and that it wasn’t any big deal. Intellectually, I knew she was right, but it still bothered me.
I also said that I felt envious of her two classmates, let’s call them Jim and Nicole, because they were both so dedicated to their weapons and so much further along than I was. The latter is the reason I really wanted to teach myself the Double Saber Forms because I saw her do it at the demo (right before the pandemic locked everything down). I was so impressed by it and by her every time she did a weapon form.
As for the former, I was blown away by him at every demo. The one time he subbed for my teacher, I was so intimidated by him. He worked on the Sword Form with us and asked to see me do something. i was so wowed by him, I made a mistake. He was so dedicated to the weapons, he invented a weapon form that was only him unsheathing weapons (and then ‘using’ one on a classmate before resheathing it). I was so awed by it, even if it’s not my thing. In addition, he made weapon bags, and the one I use was made by him.
When I told my teacher how I felt about her classmates, she interrupted me and said that she put me on the same level as Jim. I was gobsmacked because it’s most certainly not true. She added in terms of dedication to the weapon and my abilities. I think what she meant is that I had the same ability to learn them than he does, not that my current abilities are equal to his.
I was so flattered because I don’t think of it that way at all. It’s only within the last year or two that I’ve even had the courage to call myself an advanced student. Yes, sure, I am teaching myself weapons, but…well, I do’nt know where I’m going with that but.
I love Hercule Poirot. I have read all the novels at least three times each and up to twenty times in some cases. And, yes, there’s a reason I’m mentioning it in this post. It’s because he once said something that I have not forgotten ever since I first read it. He was talking to Captain Hastings and bragging about how great his grey cells were (as usual). Hastings, being a typicas Englishman, said something to the effect that Poirot shouldn’t say that about himself. Poirot said, “If I met someone else with the same abilities, I would admire it in him. Why shouldn’t I feel the same way about myself?”
I have kept that with me because I have the tendency to Dunning-Kruger Effect (2nd result) myself by thinking that if I can do something, anyone can. And I get impatient when I feel I’m not picking it up as quickly as I should be. I really think it didn’t help that I learned the Sword Form (my first weapon form) ridiculously easily and in a short period of time. I really loved that form, and the sword felt like an extension of my hand. It set up an unrealistic expection as to how easily I would learn other weapon forms, I’m afraid.
I also feel like I’m not pushing myself hard enough because I only do three or four forms a day. I feel like I should do more, but it’s just not in me. This is in addition to the hour of other Taiji/Bagua stuff I do. In total, I do about an hour and a half a day. That’s about as much as I can handle, to be honest. I wish I could do more. I told my teacher I always felt like I wanted to learn more, but I knew I had to limit myself.
She said that I should be proud of what I’ve taught myself so far. And you know what? I am, damn it! When I really take the time to think of it, I’ve done a lot–especially since my medical crisis. It’s just hard to gauge because none of my classmates are doing the same thing–teaching themselves weapons, I mean. Plus, I don’t take any classes in person. I take one Zoom class a week, and my teacher gives me a private lesson for an hour every other week. Otherwise, I do everything myself. I have worked out an elaborate schedule (written down) that I follow on the daily. the only day that I skip is Saturday because that’s when I have a class.
I am trying to take my teacher’s comments to heart. I really don’t have to rush anything. I have all the time in the world, and even if I don’t, I can only learn so much. I’m not going to be able to learn any faster by pushing myself harder. In fact, there’s a point of diminishing returns, and I want to keep myself well short of that.
I will probably go back to being hard on myself tomorrow, but for now, I can permit myself a nice pat on the back.