My sleep schedule is completely off the rails. This is the worst it’s ever been. Well, not quite, but very close. As with many things in life, it didn’t happen at once, of course. But bit by bit, it’s gotten worse. It’s fifteen minutes here and fifteen minutes there. And “suddenly”, I’m going to bed after the sun rises.
I tell myself that I’m going to go to bed by a reasonable hour, but before I know it, it’s past dawn once again. I try not to be too mean to myself, but it’s so damn frustrating. Why the fuck can’t I just do what I say I’m going to do? I know it’s part of my neurospiciness, but that doesn’t make it any easier to accept that I’m doing it.
In addition, I’m not sleeping well. I think thats’ because of what’s happening in the world. It’s pretty bleak right now, and I don’t see it getting better. When I talked to K a few days ago, I mentioned that I don’t remember a time in our life that has felt as bad and bleak as this. She agreed with me, and we both just hate what’s happening. She’s talked about the frustration she feels with activivsm. She has acrtively done activism all her life. Protests, calling her congressperson, and such. Plus, she’s worked as a teacher/principal for disadvantaged youth for almost as long as I’ve known her.
She confessed to me that she’s just burnt out, and I do not blame her one bit. She has been working tirelessly for society’s good for thirty years, and I do not blame her for laying down the mantle. I have not been as diligent as I mostly just donate money. I’ve been to a protest here and there, but that is very much outside my comfort zone. And these days, I definitely cannot go where e there is a group of people.
I give money to several organizations that would be considered political. I know people say that money is not everything–it’s not. But, it is something. And it does help. And for someone like me who lives in a very blue neighborhood and cacnnot go out much, it’s the best I can do. I still do it, even though I feel it’s hopeless.
I haven’t felt this kind of hopelessness for some time, honestly. I mean, I felt pretty bleak during the W. years for many reasons. They were dark times, and I feared what that president would do. However, I never for a moment thought he would casually blow up a country. That’s not to say I didn’t fear he would use nuclear weaponry–I did. It just never occurred to me that he would do it simply because he felt like it*.