Underneath my yellow skin

Tag Archives: sexuality

I am, but. And, again, but.

I’ve struggled with identity all my life. Growing up as a fat, brainy, weirdo Asian chick in a very white Minnesota suburb was all but guaranteed to make me feel like a freak. I got picked on almost every day, and the days I didn’t, it pretty much was me wandering around lost in my own thoughts and never quite understanding what was expected of me. I like to joke that I was raised by wolves, but it’s pretty true. I have an apocryphal story about how the first pop song I heard was Electric Avenue by Eddy Grant when I was in sixth grade. The first movie I remembered seeing was Star Wars (the original, whatever the fuck it’s called) when I was seven or eight, and I hated it. I also saw Superman at the time with my youth group roughly around the same time and had nightmares for a month.

I’m just going to say it. I don’t like movies and TV for the most part. I once told a professor I had in grad school that I didn’t like movies, and she looked at me as if I said I ate puppies for fun. She said it was like saying I didn’t like sandwiches, which was a bad analogy for me because sandwiches are delicious. I realized then that my opinion was objectively Bad, and I should keep it to myself.

Side note: I wasn’t going to get into why I don’t like movies and television shows for the most part, but it’s actually an integral part of this post, so here we go, the Cliff Notes version. I have a vast imagination, and I like to let it run wild. It’s one reason I can write fiction almost endlessly, and I’ve only had one serious writer’s block in my life. Tandem to that is that my brain never. stops. thinking. Worrying, ruminating, chewing over every goddamn thing. It’s exhausting, but it’s something I’ve dealt with most of my life as well.

Put these two things together, and you might be able to see why I don’t really care for movies or television. The whole time I’m watching a movie, the criticizing part of my brain is chattering on and on about what is wrong whatever I’m watching while the other side of my brain, the creative side, is thinking of a dozen ways it would have done the scene differently–and better. I can never forget that I’m watching a movie or television, and I never really get into it.

To that end, most of the shows/movies I like either are based on the premise that the theatricality is part and parcel of the show (one reason I love musicals), or the writing is good enough to pull me in and allow me to override the chattering in my brain.


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Sexuality is a Meaningful Part of the Whole

Yesterday was National Coming Out Day. I’m a bad bi because I didn’t know, as I didn’t know that September 23rd was Celebrate Bisexuality Day. I don’t generally care about holidays, no matter if they relate to me or not*, so I don’t keep up on all these additional ones. The only reason I knew about today’s was because I saw some of my tweeples tweeting about it, including one particular obnoxious tweet. Not my tweeple, but he was commenting on said dumbass tweet. I was going to embed the tweet, but the original tweeter has deleted it. In essence, it said that I am: followed by straight, gay, bisexual, a person, with a check mark in front of ‘a person’. It was followed up with the statement, “Your sexuality is only a small part of who you are.’ The original tweeter, named DitchtheLabel, obviously got a lot of shit for it because s/he deleted the tweet.  I do understand what DtL was trying to say–we are more than just the labels we give ourselves. We are whole human beings, yadda yadda yadda, but that’s not possible in a country in which there are still laws that oppress us, people who still hate us, and our queer youth still very vulnerable for being kicked out of their houses and/or being bullied.

I would imagine that most queers would be elated if our queerness was not a point of contention or a reason for people wanting to kill us. If we could just go about our lives without having to worry about losing our jobs or being attacked. As I tweeted back, we queers know we are people, but there are others who refuse to accept that. Until they do, we’ll keep reminding them. Loudly. In other words, it’s not us who are putting the emphasis on our sexuality, but the people who hate or fear us. They’re the ones who only see us in terms of who we fuck, even though THAT is just a small part of our sexuality. Well, I should only speak for myself. I love sex more than is probably seemly, but whether I’m fucking a man or a woman is such a small portion of that sex.

I’ll get back to that in a second.


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