Underneath my yellow skin

Death By a Thousand Cuts

good for you and tasty, too!
I’m Asian. Drinking tea is in my blood.

I’m sipping ginger lemon honey tea as I write this post for three reasons. One, it’s fucking delicious. Two, I’m trying to drink more tea as a way to wean myself off Coke Zero. Three, sigh, I’m fighting something off. I hate even typing those words because it seems like I’ve just recovered from my last flu or cold or whatever the fuck it was. I went on vacation and was feeling fine, but then the day before I left to come home, I was really dizzy when I woke up. As I sat up, a wave of vertigo overcame me, and I fell back on the bed. I get dizzy from time to time, but nothing like that. Eventually, I was able to sit up, but I was weak for the rest of the day. In addition, I started to feel a tickle in my throat. None of this boded well. The next day, I woke up and was immediately dizzy again. When I tried to get up, I couldn’t stay balance, and I had to sit back down. Ian had commented a few nights earlier that I seemed shaky on my legs. I had noticed my balance wasn’t great, but I just chalked it down to me being clumsy.

After returning home, the dizziness in the morning and the tickle in my throat continued. I have to add that my left ear is currently, um, gross. I get crud in my ears, then I pick off the crud, and they scab over. My left ear is like that right now, and it’s sore to boot. I put it down to me picking at the scabs, but maybe it’s something more. I really need to stop picking at the scabs, by the way, but it’s a compulsion with me. In addition, while I was on vacation, the weather went from fifty one day to snow the next to sixty a few days later. It dropped to thirty again, and I returned to almost seventy. I’m guessing that some of the shit I’m dealing with is my body protesting the wildly fluctuating temperatures. Yesterday morning was the first time in nearly a week I’d woken up without the dizziness (yay!), but the tickle in my throat was still there. Today, my nose is running like crazy, and my throat is a bit sore. No dizziness, though. So, yay? I did my shortened routine, but I decided to add some sword drills and the first rep of the weight set. Immediately after, I broke into sweat and stopped. Julie always says to stop when you break into sweat if you’re sick because taiji is counterproductive after that point.

I was able to do a full class on Saturday including a round of the sword (with my steel sword. Should have used my wooden sword, but I was so excited to do sword again, I automatically grabbed my steel one), but I paid for it afterwards. My thighs ached, and I was exhausted, but I slept hard that night–so that was a benefit. I took it easier on Monday, but I’m still worn out. I really thought I could add a little sword and some weights, but my body is telling me no. It’s saying, “Hey, we just went through a really nasty flu. You need to take it easy for longer than you realize/want to.” I hate being sick. It’s boring and no fun, and I can’t stop thinking about all the progress I’m losing. I know I can get it back at some point, but having to regain what I already had always pisses me off. It’s such a waste of time, but the other option is to not regain it at all. Sigh.

I should go see the doctor, but I’m putting it off for two reasons. One, I hate going to to the doctor. I know most people probably don’t enjoy it, but it’s always slightly traumatic to me. The weighing in part stresses me out, and I hate having to talk about my depression history with the doctor. Not because she’s not sympathetic, but because she doesn’t know me that well, so it feels like talking to a stranger. I minimize the difficulties because I don’t feel comfortable showing my emotions to her, and I don’t want her locking me up against my will. I know it’s not a rational thought, but it’s how my brain works.

my best friend, the couch.
I’m fine. Go on without me.

Side note: I really should find a new therapist, but I don’t want to go through the misery of breaking a new one in. It took me several years and many bad therapists to find my last therapist, and a few years with her before I truly trusted her and was able to tell her my backstory. I don’t think it would take as long now because I don’t need to rehash my childhood and all that shit. Of course I would have to mention it and talk about it some, but not nearly as in depth as I did with my last therapist. In addition, I have specific issues I need to address, rather than just general stuff. Still. I hate therapist shopping because I have so many qualifications I want in a therapist, starting with s/he has to be nearly as smart if not as smart if not smarter than I am. This is not an easy task. Then, add to it that I want someone knowledgeable about Asian issues and bi issues…in Minnesota. Yeah. That’s gonna be easy to find. Notice that I didn’t mention women’s issues because that’s not hard to find in therapists these days.

Anyway, the second reason I don’t want to go to the doctor is that the last two times I went to the clinic, I got sick right after. I can’t say with certainty that there’s causation, but it feels that way in my brain. I will have to go to the clinic soon to get my thyroid meds checked, but I’m dreading it. As I’ve mentioned a time or a hundred, the last flu or whatever I had was the sickest I’ve been in years if not decades, and I do not want to go through that again.

Right now, my sleep is all fuxxored. Normally, I go to bed around three or four in the morning, if not five or six, and get up anywhere from nine to noon. Now, I’m going to bed at midnight or one and getting up anywhere from seven-thirty to nine. That’s another way I know I’m fighting something off–I’m able to sleep more than six hours. If I can sleep eight hours in one clip, then I’m sick. If all I want to do is sleep as I do now, then I’m either sick or deeply depressed. I’m not the latter, so it’s more likely the former. By the way, mornings can fuck right off. I don’t like them. At all. Never have, and probably never will. I’m a child of the night, finding comfort in utter darkness. There is a stillness to the morning that is refreshing, but bleah.

Right now, the weather is gloomy and gray, which isn’t helping my mood, and maybe not my health. I like rain. I like torrential rain. I do not like drizzle and clouds. It’s been this way the past few days, and I know my mood is down because of it. I’ve seen more than one person talk about barometric headaches and sinus problems on social media, and I think the weather is contributing to my health issues. During my last sickness, I thought I was having sinus problems because my teeth would hurt off and on, but I wasn’t having any off-colored discharge from my nose. Still am not. The thing I’m worried about is that this is going to be the new normal. When I’m healthy, I take my body for granted, assuming it’ll work as intended. When I’m sick, I can’t assume it’ll do anything, and that’s disorienting.

I’m hoping the tickle in the back of my throat and the effluvia flowing from my nose are minor issues and not the harbinger of the Flu From Hell Part II. I want to be able to fully concentrate on recovery and regaining what I lost taichi-wise while I was sick. I don’t want to get sick again, but there’s little else I can do to stop it if I am. I suppose I’ll just have to practice a little mental taiji and accept that the journey is what matters, not the destination.

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