I was talking to K today, and we were talking about gender identity. It’s something we’ve talked about quite a bit, and we’ve been on the same page about the concept for our whole lives. She once said to me that she admired the way I easily adapted to people’s genders. We talked a bit about that, and I said it was because gender was unfathomable to me (just like it’s hard to describe the color blue to a blind person), so I accepted people’s genders without a murmur.
When you drilled right down to it, why did gender matter? Not in a sociopolitical sense because it matters a great deal in that way (and as a way to show solidarity/fight the patriarchy), and, yes, I can see why it’s important to individuals as part of their identity, but as a way of gatekeeping who can call themselves what gender, I am not a big fan of it. At all.
I have thought about this so much, it makes me tired. If I were going to be totally real–oh, here’s my post from yesterday in which I said I was going to talk about labels and dating, but then didn’t. If I were going to be totally real, I would just like to never have to think or talk about gender again. Just let me beeeeeeeeeee. There’s nothing I can or can’t do based on my gender, really, so why should I care?
This is where I get tripped up every time. I can do what I need to do regardless of my gender, so why do I need to have one? No one can explain this to me to my satisfaction, which is how I feel about a lot of things. There are times when I just have to accept that I will never truly get it. The only reason I think about it is because it’s so important in this world.
I’m saying this with zero snark–I don’t understand why the heavy emphasis on it. I know it’s me beacuse most people do care about it a lot. I would not care that other people cared so much about it if it was just for themselves. I’m very big on live and let live, but the ‘let live’ part has to go both ways.
Which it doesn’t. At all.
It’s really depressing that all the progress we’ve made is getting torn up in this presidency. I can’t even get angry because I’m just so drained and exhausted. I know that’s the whole point of this spate of terrible laws, but it’s working. And this is one reason I will never date a Republican.
See how I did that?
I had that in a dating ad thirty years ago. I said I would date any gender, race, religion, creed, but not a Republican. I wasn’t joking, even though I put it in a jovial tone. I’m even more not joking about it now. If someone is a Republican in this time and age, that’s all I need to know about them.
As I’ve said, it’s funny when people who don’t give a shit about discrimination in general (or covertly/overtly support it) want to bleat about discrimination in dating when it’s against them. People are allowed to discriminate in their dating lives, and it’s especially true when the discrimination is based on something like ‘this person doesn’t believe I should exist’. Or ‘this person is a racist sexist piece of shit’.
In my personal life, I can be as discriminatory as possible. I do not, in fact, need (or want) to date someone who doesn’t think I’m an equal or that I should have civil rights. Or that I’m subservient because I’m Asian AFAB. Or whatever nonsense they have in their heads about whatever demographic I belong to.
I like being alone. A lot. It’s a relief to me to not have to mask., and I can only completely unmask when I’m alone. There are a few people that I can be most of myself with, and I really appreciate them. I’ve said that I’m cake and dating is the frosting. It’s additive and not needed, so it has to be just right in order for me to want to add it to my cake. Heh.
This was something I learned about myself in my forties. I didn’t want to be in a long-term relationship or monogamous. I realized that I was happy when my partner was happy. Even if it wasn’t with me. That’s when I learned a term, ‘compersion’, and it really resonated with me. Your partner being happy makes you happy. Yes! The term specifically refers to your partner with another person, but I have broadened it to mean in general.
If I love someone and they are important to me, I want them to be happy. Also, I can’t be everything to one person and vice-versa, so there’s that, too. I’ve never felt that someone’s relationship with someone else had anything to do to me (as long as it truly had nothing to do with me).
I had been kind of manipulated into being in two nonmonogamous relationship when I was younger, and I ended up being the one to enjoy it more. Or rather, I was unbothered by it whereas my partner in both cases did not handle it well. I think it was because they had thought it would be them dating around and me sitting at home pining. I was not happy about it at first, but then I decided to get out there and see who was available. That was the part my partners did not like.
I should have realized then that I was different. I also dated a couple, and that was cool, too. I was so stuck in the monogamy mindset, though, that I could not fathom not being in one of my own volition.
Now, if I were to date, it would be just for funsies. I don’t want anything serious.
Oh! I was going to say, when my brother started dating again, he had very clear ideas of what he wanted in a partner. We talked about how that now we were in our fifties, we know ourselves much better. What we want and don’t want. He asked for my advice with his profile, and then he just adapted it to his way of thinking. There was one thing that I thought he should not say, but it turned out to be something his now-GF really latched onto.
That proves that what works for one person may not work for another. Also, what he wanted from a relationship was not what I wanted at all. We are such different people, and what we want from a relationship is so different as well.
It was funny that while he was dating, I was like his dating therapist. He told me everything about what he was going through, and I felt like it was a relief for him to be able to be giddy about it. He never got that as a teenager, and he went kinda wild once he was allowed to date. I was the person he could talk to about it without fear of being judged.
I’m very open-minded about dating and sex, and as long as it’s between consenting and enthusiastic adults, it’s all good to me. My brother knew that, which was why he came to me with all his dating adventures.
Once again, I’ve just maundered on and on about nothing in particular. I’ll try to be more concise tomorrow. It probably won’t happen, though.