Let’s talk more about safer spaces and society’s expectation for ‘normal’ behavior in general. In yesterday’s post, I wrote about masking, social norms, and how I felt forced to do so for so many reasons. One, growing up in tthe seventies, there wasn’t even lip service to diversity. It was fit in or die, and I constantly felt like I was dying. Or that I wanted to die. As many autistic people describe it, it’s like always having to dedicate one hefty portion of your brain to fitting in. That makes it much harder to focus on what you actually need to do.
When I was in school in the eighties, there was the murmurs of diversity. In this case, though, it was the melting pot theory–which, to put it bluntly-fucking sucked. The idea was that immigrants came to America and ‘melted’ into American society. In other words, they were supposed to shed what made them foreign as soon as possible. Asian people tend to be more conforming in general, anyway, so my parents were eager to fit in. Or rather, not stick out.
My brother and I were taught to be white, basically. My parents tried to speak Taiwanese to my brother (who is older than I am), but they decided it would be easier to teach him only English. When I came along, they didn’t even bothre trynig to teach me Taiwanese. We did not eat Taiwanese food outside the house, and we preferred American. (A
t least until we were adults.)
I was so anxious as a little kid. I had to make sure that I was acting like everyone else when I didn’t even know what that really meant. I kept my eyes on everyone around me, but I was convinced I was an alien. I always felt like I was failing, and I was miserable.
I want to emphasize this because even if I looked like I belonged (which I most certainly did not), I hated everything about my life. I didn’t feel like I could ever be me, which was not a fun place to be. I smoothed and sanded my rough edges until they were completely gone. I hid everything that made me me because I heard the overt and covert message loud and clear: I as me and myself was unacceptable.
That was the main message my parents and society gave to me while I was a child and a teenager. I was unacceptable as I was. I was not fit to be present in polite society, and I better hide everything and anything about myself that wasn’t ‘normal’.
Again, this was before neurodivergence was acknowledge as a thing. Or rather, right around the time that it was first being recognized at all. Except it was thought of as a completely abhorrent thing that had to be surpressed/reprogrammed at all costs. Society was cruel, and doctors aided and abetted that cruelty. Hell, they pushed it forward themselves.
The mentality was to beat the autism out of children, literally and figuratively. It was basically to train them like dogs to be ‘normal’ (and, again, in quotes). It was horrid, as it often is for those who are different, and it really prized being ‘normal’ over everything else.
If I wanted to be generous, I would say that they meant well, but I’m not that generous. They were assholes, and they should feel bad (if they were still capable of feeling. Which, given how long ago it was, they are not). Intent is not magic, and they did so much harm. Harm that continues to today. Yes, it’s slowly getting better , but there is still so much pressure on autistic people to confrom to the norm.
One of my goals for the new year was to find a group that was for queer genderqueer Asian folk (in the Twin Cities, though online). I would have liked it to also be sensitive to neurodivergent people, but I knew that I was probably asking too much. I have not looked for a group yet, in part because I’m afraid it doesn’t exist. That’s one way my brain works that I’m not happy about. I won’t do something that might possibly help me or make me feel better because it’ll be even more crushing if I can’t find it.
Side note: I am not saying that autism is an excuse for, well, anytihng. But I do think the double empathy problem I’ve mentioned several times before. The idea that gets repeated over and over again is that there are societal norms that people should just know .I see this on the work blog I read, and it frustrates me every time.
In general, there are several reasons why someone may not know societal norms. In the case of white collar work, if you’re not raised by parents who are white collar, you may not have any clue about professional norms. Hell. I had two parents who were both white collar, and when I was going to my first round of interviews, I had no clue what to expect because my parents never talked about it at home.
That’s the problem with societal norms asd expecting people to just know them–they have to be communicated in some way that isn’t just mind meld. This is the same with regional differences and any other kinds of norms. Yes, you can learn them by observing the environment–if you have a high level of observation skills, EQ, and the ability to put it all together.
I am loath to say that autistic people can’t learn social skill because it’s such a blanket skill. There’s such a wide range of levels of autism. Some can learn it and some may not be able–or at least not to a degree that makes normies comfortable.
When people glibly say that anyone can learn social skills, I want to shake them. I know they mean well, but, again intent is not magic. Also, they’re simply wrong. Not everyone can, which is part of having autism. Some people simply can’t. This makes normies uncomfortable–the plain, unvarnished truth. Also, Americans are really wedded to the idea that anyone can do anything. Toxic positivity at its finest.
It’s funny because many people don’t understand that the opposite of the usual negative stereotypes can also be isms. Like, Asians were called the model minority and used as a cudgel against other minorities, especially black people. Not only was that hurtful to other minorities, it was hurtful to Asian people, too, because it reduced us to caricatures and not humans.
More etomorrow.