It’s fascinating to me to read Ask A Manager to see what the norms are in the working world. Today, there was a question from a manager who’s college grad hire has made a pillow fort (a ‘nest’) in her office. She’s going to get an officemate soon (a new hire), and her manager wants to know how to approach the topic with her report. The manager has not seen it, but it has been reported to her by other managers.
Alison started out by saying she loved the idea of a pillow fort, which is why I like her so much. Because I, too, love the idea of a pillow fort. In fact, I work from my couch in what could be described as a blanket nest of my own. And my instinct is that if she’s not public-facing and if she weren’t about to get an officemate, let her have her blanket nest
Not surprisingly, most people were anti-pillow fort. But in the ‘I personally have no issue with it, but business norms!’ kind of way. Which is how many of them reacted to other issues such as wearing a bra and not shaving your underarms. I’ll get to that in a minute.
There was another letter from someone who was neurodivergent and did martial arts. He wrote in to ask if it would be seen as weird if he did some of his martial arts practices at work, including some forms, combat rolling to get things off the lower shelf, and standing in a deep horse stance. There were several of us who did martial arts, and we told him that some of it like the combat rolls and practicing the forms in the lunch room would seem odd.
Most of us emphasized that if he wanted to do it, it was fine, but he had to accept that he would be seen as weird, which he did not like at all. I said there are things from Taiji that I do automatically (like breathing and posture), but that I wouldn’t do weapons forms in an office. I can save that for home. Honestly, things like that seem performative. Same with the combat roll to get something off a lower shelf. He was snitty in the comments saying he guessed he’d have to hurt himself and not do it the way he normally would, which is bullshit. You don’t need to combat roll to get something off a low shelf in order to not hurt yourself.
Also, we stressed that he can do any of it, but there will be a perception that he’s being weird. He just has to decide if he’s ok with it or not. Many of us who did martial arts didn’t like the performative aspect of what he was doing. All of us know that guy who struts around the gym/dojo acting as if his shit don’t stink.
In general, that’s the decision you have to make when you go against the norms. Another issue that comes up is going braless in the office. Or not shaving your pits (as a woman). And inevitably, most of the comments start with, “I don’t feel this way, but” before continuing that it’s best to follow business norms. “I hate having to say this–” Then don’t.
I’m old. Third wave feminism was standing up for what you believe in, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel. To go for the collective good rather than just the individual. Now, it seems to be whatever any individual woman chooses, that’s feminism. It’s not. It really isn’t. That’s just individualism.
Back to the shaving and the bra. I have not worn a bra on a daily basis in a decade or so. I used to wear it when I went somewhere, but I don’t even do it then now. Why should I? There’s no logical reason for wearing one. I actually read a study that said women who did not wear a bra had perkier boobs than women who did. I imagine it’s because the muscles had to work harder than boobs that are always supported by bras.
In addition, I was alive for the time where underwire was in every fucking bra. I explained it to Ian like this: Imagine having to wrap wire under your balls. He visibly winced when I said that.
It didn’t matter how padded the wire was–it was fucking uncomfortable. There’s a reason that women joke about the best part of their day being when they go home from work and were able to take off their bras.
Some women with big boobs say they feel more comfortable with the support (not underwire bars, but bras in general), but not me. I’ve never had a bra that felt more comfortable than not wearing one.
As for shaving, I am an adult person with body hair. There is no reason I should be hairless. In addition, I get rashes when I shave.
Side Note: I am allergic to everything and have so many sensitivities. I also have sensory issues, and my body hair is sparse because I’m Asian. So me not shaving has minimal impact, but it was still a statement.
I know it’s old-school to say that not caring about clothing, makeup, and shaving is a feminist action, but so be it. In a society that still places such an undue emphasis on how a woman looks, the ability to say, “I don’t give a fuck” is radical. And if you can do it with minimal pushback, why the hell not?
That’s the thing that frustrates me. In my lifetime, feminism has gone from, “Daring to endure some negativity if it means furthering the cause in society” to “anything a woman does is feminist”, which is just not true. There is still looking at the patterns and what is approved of by society with a keen eye, deconstructing the patriarchy, and deciding that we will collectively move the country forward.
Somebody has to make sacrifices in order to move us forward. It’s not possible to magic our way to a better society. I don’t know when the notion that we can have change without action started to take root, but we have to do away with it. It can’t always be about the individual practice, but sometimes, it has to be about what each person can do. If one woman feels comfortable not shaving her pits, that’s not going to make any difference. If all the women in one office decide to not shave, then it will matter. it will become the norm, and it will be easier to accept. That is just how these things work. I know that I’m speaking from a place of privilege, but we have to take risks in order to reach a common goal. Otherwise, we’re going to stagnant or regress. Hell, look at what happened to Roe v. Wade when we collectively decided not to do anything about it.
It’s the same with any issue, really. At some point, we as a society decide without saying anything that it’s just not worth it. Like Sandy Hook and gun control. That’s when I realized that America was not serious about gun control and will never be. If the shooting death of 27 white kids didn’t move the politicians in this country, nothing would.
I did not come back to life for this shit. It’s time to get my advocate skills back to sharp.