At Ask A Manager recently, there was a question about what to do when an older employee has said out loud tin his outside voice that he would refuse to use the pronouns of trans and nonbinary coworkers because he believes homosexuals are going to hell and that falls under the same “umbrella of sin” (a term the letter writer (LW) used that is funny as fuck). The LW seemed to be concerned about the religious aspect, but Alison was very clear that this is discrimination (at the moment. We’ll see in a year or two) under federal law so the employee can feel however he wants about it, but he cannot treat the hypothetical trans or nonbinary worker any differently.
As I’ve said several times, this is a very progressive commentariat in general. Still. The number of people who suggested just using the trans/nonbinary employees name repeatedly as if it were a clever solution was discouraging. I said that for me, someone who is currently agender, I want people to use my name and my name only. But for people wha have pronouns, it’s rules-lawyering around respecting them. Use their damn pronouns.
Alison finally had to put a blue sticky at the top (that’s when she makes a note about something that she thinks is important and wants everyone to see) to tell people to quit suggesting that ‘solution’ because it’s not tenable. I mean, if he decided not to call anyone by pronouns and was consistent about it, then perhaps. But just using the name of the trans/nonbinary person instead of pronouns would be treating that person differently–which is distriminatory.
Here’s the thing. I am not a strict Constitutionalist, and I do not approve of the waivers that religion gets within the Constitution. Let me be clear. You want to practice your religion? Fine, great, and groovy. But your religion ends where my rights begin.
Here’s the thing. I think people should be allowed to practice their religion until it means impeding on people who don’t believe in the same thing. It’s interesting because one of the ‘read another post’ links on AAM was about a person who joined The Satanic Temple because she got very involved in patient advocay and came across TST.
She was helping them out at a table in a different town, and a coworker stopped by and made a donation. Then, at work, her boss made snide remarks and asked if she needed accommodations with a sneer or her face. LW (Letter Writer) had to deal with her coworkers making nasty comments about her, and it just got worse.
The comments were mostly supportive, but there were a few in the ‘you should have expected it’ category. One guy really showed his ass by saying that anyone who belonged to a group that worshipped Satan was a bad person. When people pointed out that they don’t worship Satan, he said he couldn’t be bothered to learn that. I mean, it would take two seconds of Googling, but, sure. It’s such a hardship to actually Google it before judging them.
It’s fascinating to see people’s push points because he’s a reasonable person in general. The fact that he was so hostile about a group that had the name ‘Satan’ in it was really interesting. He was so irrational about it and defensive to boot. The Satanic Temple is named thusly in part to point out to people that freedom of religion is any religion, yes, including one that has the word ‘Satanic’ in the mane.This is the one thing I approve of–that ALL religions (and the lack thereof) have equal protection.
Back to the pronouns. Someone asked me what I meant by not wanting to claim any pronouns as my own and how that would work. I did not see their question before Alison closed the comments, so I’ll just say it here.
I’m currently agender, but it’s a soft label. To be blunt, I don’t really care abotu my gender. I’m AFAB, but I never felt like a woman because I was told repeatedly that I wasn’t. When it comes down to it, I jsut don’t care much about gender-related things. There’s nothing I do that is predicated on my gender. I relate more to the female experience than a male one, but in general, my gender is not on my top ten list of things to think about.
To answer the question, yes, I would prefer if people just used my name instead of a pronoun at all times. Yes, I recognize that it’s awkward and sounds weird, but it is, as the kids say, what it is. There is no way to make it sound as ‘natural’ as pronouns because our language heavily uses pronouns. But, see, that’s the thing with any change. People have protested using they as a singular pronoun, but it’s become more acceptable in the last few years.
Language changes. While you’re in the middle of a change, it can sound clunky and awkward. “Minna went to the store to pick up the things Minna needed for the week” is not elegant or smooth, but if we keep using the structure, in a few years, it won’t even be noticeable. Or we can try to mooth it out by saying, “Minna bought the things needed for a week at the grocery store.” We can workshop it, but you get the basic gist.
Here’s the thing. Someone in response to the question said this plus that many agender people have an emergency gender–which I love. Like, “Oh, shit. Gotta use a pronoun. Deploy the emergency pronoun stat!”
The bottom line is as I said in another comment on a different post. Or maybe that post. Nope. different post. “she/her” is like an ill-fitting coat. It fits on my body, but it’s not comfortable. However, at this point in my life, I just don’t have the energy to fight that fight because I don’t care enough about it. I’m not a he/him. Of that I’m sure. If someone wants to call me they/them, I’ll shrug and be fine with it. Same with she/her. But it’s a ‘oh, that’s fine (with rolled eyes)’ not a ‘yeah, that’s fine!’ response.
Gender isn’t important to me. It just isn’t. When I drill down to the very core of the issue, I don’t even know what it means when people say they feel one gender or the other (if they are one of the binary genders). I know I am not a man. That is completely foreign to me. But am I a woman? It’s not foreign to me, but only because I grew up labeled as one (but not really one). But I have never felt connected to that label.
At the end of the day, I just don’t know. Nor do I care enough to really push it much further. Like with many things, I just throw my hands up and slap a label on it that comes closest. Right now, that’s agender. Who knows what it’ll be tomorrow?
In the last few months, I tried out genderfluid, nonbinary, and genderqueer. None of them really fit,though genderqueer was the closest. But only because I use queer to describe my sexual identity. I reluctantly use bi, but it’s not a term I have ever cared for. Sometimes, I just want to throw it all out.