I am and have always been a hot mess. I am painfully aware of most of my flaws. I can’t say all of them because we all have that one or two (or ten) things about ourselves that we can’t see. But. Let me rattle them off right quick.
I’m lazy; I am sarcastic and cynical; I’m petty and snarky (not necessarily outwardly, but definitely on the inside; I’m critical and nitpicky. I focus on things excessively; I get cranky when I feel trapped; I’m overly sensitive; I don’t give a shit about the status quo or most of popular culture. I constantly question authority and I have no respect for tradition.
Of course, I can flip many of these on their heads and say, I go with the flow; I don’t take things for granted; I push things that need to be pushed; I stand up for the underdog and I see things from a unique perspective. I bring up the things that people don’t want to deal with, and I make sure that all voices are heard. I’m empathetic and validating, and I am passionate about the things and people I care about.
Back to my flaws, I get in a rut. I do the same thing all the time. I’m fearful of trying new things. I am quick to get upset/impatient. I don’t like being questioned. I put off doing chores that I’d rather not do. I don’t understand societal norms even when I follow them.
On the flip side, I can fit into almost any situation because I can read people really quickly and give them what they want/need/expect (not sure that’s a good thing, actually). I am charismatic and approachable. I have a trustworthy face, apparently, except when I’m consciously shutting people out. Even then, peolpe are drawn to me. I’m very good at setting people at ease and making them want to talk to me. Too good!
I’m creative and inventive, and I’m ahead of my time. Writing-wise, I’m always told I can’t do things and then they become popular a few years later. It’s irritating, actually. I’m very good at dialogue and making people seem real. I’m terrible at description. You’re lucky if you get a ‘the leaves were green’ out of me. It’s because I can see the iages in my head so clearly that I don’t feel the need to describe them.
Here’s the thing. Before my medical crisis, I hated all my flaws. I mean, it makes sense because they are flaws. Why would I like them? But, here’s the other thing. Everyone has flaws. No one is perfect. It’s fine to say that you’re going to work on improving yourself, but at some point, you have to accept that certain flaws are here to stay. The trick is to realize which is which.
For example. I question everything. This is not going to change. It’s my natural instinct. When I hear about something, I tend to look at the other side of things. I can see three or four aspects of any one issue, even if I only agree with one. I try to keep it to myself much of the time because no one likes that person, but I can’t help letting it come out from time to time.
In the past, I would have said that my body was a flaw. Yes, all of it. I hated it so much, and it was mostly because of my mother’s unrelenting negativity about fat on a woman’s body. And it was specifically a woman’s body, by the way. My brother was chubby, too, but I did not hear her nag him about it the way she did me. My brother has admitted that he was treated differently because he was a boy, which was validating. It’s hard to know if what you feel/think/experience is real without external confirmation.
I think when looking at ones flaws or things one does not like about oneself, it’s important to rank them as it were. To say whether it’s a big deal or not. Me being a night owl is not a big deal beacuse Iwork for myself/my brother and at home. I can get the things done that I need to do in the time that things are open and not care about being up at a certain time.
Being nitpicky and poking holes in everything are fine as long as I keep it mostly to myself. I actually think it’s a good thing to examine an issue from all sides to make sure no aspect is being overlooked.
I’m good with questioning tradition and status quo. I don’t like always being on the outside, but I don’t see how I can change that because I am what I am. My mother once said angrily that just because somethnig was tradition, it didn’t mean it was bad. I replied that just because something was tradition, it didn’t mean it was good, either. As Tim Minchin has sang, ‘just coz ideas are tenacious, it means that they’re worthy’. People have believed that the sun revolved around the earth, for example. Or that the erath is flat. Facts aren’t a popularity contest. Just because more people believe in something than not, it doesn’t mean it’s true.
My point is that I’m looking at myself and seeing what I can actually change. More to the point, what do I want to change? I like the fact that I’m critical in my thought and that I can see things that other people can’t. I don’t go for the status quo just because it’s the status quo. I don’t like a popular thing jsut because it’s popular. I really try not to be contrary just for the sake of being contrary, but I am not going to apologize for the fact that I don’t think Seinfeld is a good show (I think it’s horrible) or that Knives Out is a good movie (god, I hated it). I’m not going to pretend to like Bon Iver or Daft Punk. In fact, much of that is white dudes doing what white dudes do. Which is very much not my genre. In fact, while I was watching Knives Out, I tweeted that it was rich white people doing what rich white people do.
I found Lizzo embarrassingly late. I adore her. She loves herself. Unabashedly. Enthusiastically. Without shame. This should not be revolutionary, but it is. Especially as a black woman in America. A fat black woman. She’s suuposed to be apologetic and self-effacing.
Fuck that noise! It’s interesting how much bonding women do over putting down themselves. It starts with dieting (huh. I wrote dying at first, which was in interesting slip of the fingers), and then it’s tearing down different parts of yourself.
Fuck that noise! As Lizzo says, I’m not a snack but a whole damn meal. I saw Katy Perry perform the night of Biden’s inauguration and instantly fell in love with her. Well, not her, but that version of that song. It’s so empowering and powreful. Same with watching her perform Roar. I love it. It’s funny because when I think about self-confidence, I immediately worry that I’m being egotistical. It’s so engrained in me that I don’t want to get above my station.
My father uses his charisma for evil. I saw that and did not want to fall in the same trap. I saw charisma as being a negative, even though it did not need to be. In and of itself, it’s a morally-neutral trait. It can be used for good or for bad. And, you know what? I’m about to use it for me. I’m not saynig good or bad, but it’s a tool in my arsenal. There’s no reason for me not to use it.
I agree with the Hippocratic Oath: First, do no harm. Then, do as much good as you can. But that’s subjective, of course.
I love myself. I can say that without any qualifiers, and I would not have been able to say that before my medical crisis. I love my body and what it’s gone through. It carried me in the darkness that was death and said, “Not tonight, Satan!” It’s one bad ass body, and I am every day thankful for it.