I was reading my stories this morning (advice columns) and there was one that touched on the question of forgiveness. The columnist said something to the effect of saying he would forgive the person if it was him (and the situation had to do with healing a rift so it was applicable) and I inevitably flinched. He went on to say that it didn’t mean having to be BFF (and after validating that he would be angry in the situation as well. Think Covid exposure and lying), but that forgiveness can help the letter writer (LW) move on. He finished by saying it’s for the person doing the forgiveness, not the one being forgiven.
I hate that bullshit. I really do.
Let me clarify. I do believe that getting stuck in your anger isn’t good. I do believe moving on eventually is what’s best. But, and this is a huge but, I don’t like papering it over with the word forgiveness. Why? Because to me, forgiveness is often meant to hurry people past the righteous angry phase.
I was talking to my mother the other night about Covid. They had a sudden outbreak in Taiwan, but with a strict response from the government, they managed to contain it after a few months. They reached 800 cases a day at their peak and are down to less than 20 a day. It was difficult to be fully sympathetic to my mother when she complained about lockdown because we were fourteen months into our own dealing with the pandemic. So, on the one hand, I could think about the first few months of the pandemic and sympathize with her fear. On the other hand, I was so exhausted from our own situation, it was hard to be completely sympathetic to her.
Anyway, I was telling her about how mad I was about the situation and she said I needed to stay positive. Far warning, that’s like waving a red flag in front of my eyes. In addition, it’s darkly humorous because she’s constantly complaining about, well, everything. That’s the bulk of our conversations so for her to say ‘stay positive’, well, it’s bitterly ironic. Back to the narrative. When she told me to stay positive, I flat-out told her, “No, I’m going to stay mad.” She didn’t know what to do with that because normally, I would just gray rock her. This time, however, I was just done. Same with my father. They both were blathering on about positivity and doing what’s best for ourselves–and my brain just shut down.
I’m so mad as to the state of the country right now. My BFF is a teacher and I hate what she had to go through in the past seventeen months. I hate that school is starting up again in a month or so without any kind of protection in place for many teachers. Indeed, there are some governors expressly banning the mandate of masks in schools. They should be locked up because that’s just plain amoral, but nobody has asked me. I’m mad at the people who won’t get vaccinated and at this point, I don’t give a shit as to their reasons. I just want them to stay away from me and I’m grateful I don’t have to be in an office full of them.
Back to the topic of forgiveness. Currently, forgiveness means that the perpetrator can continue to do what they want with abandon. They don’t even have to say they’re sorry before the victim is pressured to forgive and move on. There are several reasons for this. One, it’s because the abuser is usually not very rational and the victim is seen as the more malleable person. You see whole families structured around this one person–also known as the missing stair in a friends’ group. There is one in my own family and she’s a piece of work. I avoid her as much as possible and when I do have to interact with her, I grit my teeth and ignore her as much as possible.
Here’s another thing. When people are pushing forgiveness, it’s for their comfort. They don’t want the delicate balance to be disturbed, even if it *should* be disturbed. I’ve heard the analogy that the problem person is a sinking boat that is taking on water. Everyone else is frantically bailing out the water with buckets, but they can’t bail fast enough. The water is creeping up and one person decides, “Fuck it,” tosses their bucket, jumps overboard, and swims to shore. They’ve made it! They’ve escaped! And everyone else in the boat is furious with them for making it harder on them. Never mind that they can’t fix the boat or keep it afloat–they’re mad that you had the audacity to escape the situation they’re trapped in.The pain of a victim is not easy to witness. It’s much easier to brush by it and pretend it’s not there. Especially in a sick system. It’s part of the abusive cycle that the person who makes a fuss is considered the disruptor.
All that aside, I just have a knee-jerk reaction to being told to forgive. In the aforementioned scenario, the LW did ask if they should do something to heal the rift, but I still think the advice giver went too quickly to forgive. Then, he dropped my absolutely biggest pet peeve–saying it was for the benefit of the victim to forgive.
That is such horseshit, but it’s unthinkingly peddled as true. I believe it has deep Christian roots since they are so big on forgiveness. First of all, anger is useful. If someone does something bad/wrong/evil, the appropriate response is anger. It’s not to pretend it didn’t happen or rush past that uncomfortable feeling. No. It’s to fully acknowledge that what is happening/has happened is terrible and worthy of being angry about. Victims are often told to keep quiet, not make a fuss, keep their head down, etc. It’s to the benefit of the abuser and/or the sick system to oppress the voices of the victims.
Here’s the thing. Anger may not help in the current situation, but neither does staying positive. Anger, however, is the emotion that is more likely to move me to actually do something about it whereas staying positive, well, let’s just say that’s not even an option.
Last point. I do agree that at some point, letting go of the anger and moving on is good for you. However, that’s only after actually experiencing the anger and going through it. And it definitely doesn’t need to be labeled ‘forgiveness’ to work.