For most of my life, I’ve defined myself mostly by what I am not. I am not normal. I am not like other people. I am not feminine in that I don’t care about fashion, hair, or makeup. Though since the hospital, I’ve been having more fun with my hair. I did it in Chun-Li buns at first, minus the turkey leg cups on top. That was because I had a sore on the back of my head from lying in bed for two weeks and wearing my hear in my usual high bun. It’s cute as fuck and it doesn’t tangle my hair as quickly as before.
Before the hospital stay, I hated the way I looked. I avoided pictures and didn’t look in mirrors unless it was strictly necessary. I hated how fat I was and I’ve always felt I was ugly. Well, until a few years before the medical trauma, at any rate. I’ve had a lot of negative experiences in my life concerning bodily autonomy that made me have body issues across the board. Taiji made me more appreciative of my body and what it could do. It didn’t mean I loved it, but I didn’t hate it any longer.
Then, the medical trauma. I’ve spoken at length as to how being in the hospital really cured me of my body issues. I had teams of nurses and aides looking after me, which included literally wiping my ass after I took a shit. And I didn’t always make it to the bathroom. Before I could actually go to the bathroom, I just shit in my pull-ups and they changed them for me. Mostly women, but some men and maybe some people who identified as nonbinary. They all treated me with compassion and respect, like I was a human being worthy of being treated with dignity. There was one man who was brisk and didn’t show much emotion, but it wasn’t as if he had disdain for me. He just didn’t care for that part of the job, for which I couldn’t really blame him. He was professional about it and good at it, so I didn’t mind. He didn’t make me feel like I was a burden or that he found it distasteful; he just seemed like he’d prefer to be doing something else. Which, honestly, I couldn’t blame him. I wouldn’t want to wipe someone else’s ass, either, which is one reason I never wanted children.