Underneath my yellow skin

Tag Archives: normal

The new normal is much like the old normal

In the first few months of the Covid-19, there was much ink spilled about how life would never be the same and how everything has changed. I was skeptical then and I’m even more skeptical now. I’m not saying things aren’t drastically different–they are. I’m saying that even though situations change, people don’t necessarily change with them. Oh, hell. I’m not explaining this well, but I’ll keep trying.

Have you ever had something big in mind that you were sure would change you? Marriage, losing a large amount of weight (me), a degree, a job, whatever. You work diligently for years to attain the goal, and then, maybe, one day you achieve it. Finally, you’re where you’re supposed to be, and you can live life to the fullest! Then, you realize to your dismay, that life isn’t perfect, and you still have to, well, deal with it. I had this belief when I decided to lose weight (twice). All the shitty things in my life would finally be better, and my life would be perfect.

You can probably guess how that went down. Well, not exactly because I never reached my end goal. That’s because as I got closer to it, I would change it. It was literally impossible for me to meet whatever the current goal was. Two eating disorders later, I can safely say that my life did not change for the better after those two situations. Or when I graduated from college. Or got my first boyfriend. Or got my MA. It’s pretty obvious why–because I’m still me at the end of the day. No matter what I achieve, I’ll still be the same person (more or less).

On the other end, my BFF separated from her husband for a year early-ish in their relationship. She had been with him since she was a teenager, and she thought that there were so many things she could have done if she were on her own. Long story short, she didn’t do the things she thought she would when she was on her own. In other words, it wasn’t he marriage that was stopping her, but she herself.


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Tired of being a freak

I’ve written before about the upside of being an outsider. This is not one of those posts. I have seen people on social media blasting the whole ‘introverts living their best lives’ themes, saying that they were introverts, but who is living their best life right now? The tone is ridicule/anger, and it makes me uncomfortable because while I’m not living my BEST life, I’m not suffering like other people are. Meaning, I’m not visibly more distressed. Yes, my sleep  is more fucked up. Yes, I randomly want to kill myself, but it’s not an active feeling, and I have it during regular times as well. It’s not as intense then as it is now, but it’s there. Yes, I’m having way more family time than I want. Yes, I’m having a hard time focusing. But in general, I am less anxious than I am during regular times.

In addition, I don’t really miss hanging out with people. Granted, I didn’t do it much during normal times, but the reduction isn’t bothering me. The fact that I couldn’t do it chafed at the beginning of the lockdown because I don’t like to be told what to do, but in general, it doesn’t bother me now. The state is doing a soft open tonight at midnight for very depressing reasons (Americans suck as self-denial and no political will to go hardcore), and we haven’t even hit our peak yet. I’m resigning myself to another spike after the soft reopen, and I’m just grateful that I can do what I’ve been doing and ignore the soft opening all I want.

I don’t feel like I can say that I’m not any more stressed or anxious now than I was before. I know it’s because I had an unreasonably high amount of stress and anxiety before and that everyone has risen to meet my level, but it still doesn’t sound great when I say it outside. I also don’t miss being around people except sex. For whatever reason*, I want to fuck the next ten people I see. I’ve been rewatching Chiodini’s Kitchen (from Eurogamer, well, he was, now he’s at Dicebreaker and a DM extraordinaire), and one of them has the actual voice of Geralt from the Witcher series. Doug Cockle. Johnny was brewing a beer from the games at an actual brewery, and he sent a sample to Doug Cockle. Cut to the end where Doug is sitting in front of festive stuff, wearing a Santa hat. He talks a bit in his regular voice, tests the stout, and then says something in Geralt’s voice.

Full disclosure: Geralt is one of my vidya gaemz boos. I have the hots for him, and it doesn’t matter that he’s a video game character.

When Doug Cockle was talking in his regular voice, I was like, he’s a nice guy and he’s fine, but whatever. The second he slipped into Geralt’s voice, however, I wanted to bone him. I’m a sucker for a deep, husky growl.


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Pricking the Concept of a Liberal Bubble

I’ve been weaning myself off of social politics for several reasons, but I got caught up in political Twitter this morning. I saw a tweet  by Trump being circulated around in which he called out Meryl Streep for the speech she made at the Golden Globes Awards. I read about what happened, and then I saw Meghan McCain call out the speech as the reason people voted for Trump, and it irritated me. Then, a Hollywood type responded to McCain, and she said he lived in a Hollywood bubble. That set me off on a mini-rant of my own because I hate the conceit that liberals live in a bubble. Her father said something similar back when he was running about liberals in their salons, and it pissed me off then as well. Here is the first tweet in my mini-rant:

First of all, Meghan McCain is the last person to be talking about bubbles. She’s grown up very privileged as the daughter of a senator, and I’m pretty certain that most of the people she is friends with are from a similar background. That is human nature–to cluster with like-minded people. We all do it, but for whatever reason, only liberals are called out on it. I’d also like to remind McCain and her ilk that many liberals don’t live in bubbles. There are plenty who live in very red areas and are doing their level best to turn their states blue. I admire them because they’re doing yeoman’s work, while I sit in a fairly reliable blue city, relatively safe from destructive policies.

More importantly, I’m tired of all this talk about how we (liberals) have ignored the white working class and/or look down our noses on them. As I said in my first tweet, it’s not necessarily untrue that some liberals do look down on the white working class, and I’m not against including them in our umbrella. I’ve written about this subject before, most recently in this post*. We do have a problem with talking about the poor in our country. We avoid it like the plague, even liberals. We talk about the rich and the middle class, but the working class and the poor? No. We just ignore them. We pretend they don’t exist, or, worse yet, we blame them for their situation. It’s a failing of all Americans, and I do not want to sweep that under the rug.

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