Goals. That is what is on my mind right now. In the last post, I started actually talking about my goals for this year. I delved into the issues I was having, including the fact that my fiction writing has dried up.
I don’t think this means that it’s gone completely, though. I think I just have to rethink how I actually write now. It used to be so easy. I would get the idea in my head–
Side note: I don’t use outlines. I may have to in the future, but I haven’t up to this point. Yes, I know that this is the accepted way to do things, but it never worked for me. What usually happened was that I would get an idea in my head and let it percolate for days or weeks. I write murder mysteries (or at least mysteries. Usually murder was included), and I would start with the main character. Not a private detective, but a normie who stumbled their way into a situation, much like Jessica Fletcher. I usually wrote trilogies because that seemed to be the right amount of time with a protagonist.
Once I had the protag, then I came up with the victim. In doing so, the perp usually sprang to mind as well. I doen’t think I’ve ever changed the perp as I was writing, but I have changed circumstances, relationships, and almost everything else.
As I wrote yesterday, I know my strengths and weaknesses as a writer. Strengths: characterization and dialogue. Weakness: descriptions and transitions. I don’t like the latter two in part beacuse I can see everything in my mind, so why couldn’t everyone else?
I can be super self-indulgent about dialogue or world-building because those are the things I enjoy. I can write for pages about psychology and relationships, and I have to take a sterner hand with those. On the other hhand, I struggle with describing physical things other than in a “She has black hair and large brown eyes” kind of way. I envy people who can make the descriptions flow, but I just cannot.
Side note: I have to start considering that the reason I can’t write fiction the way I used to is because of my medical crisis. It didn’t affect me much in my day-to-day, but there were things that were affected that maybe I wasn’t able to see until later.
Such as: I have almost no peripheral awareness now. My eyesight is not as good as it used to be. My reflexes are shit(tier). All of these could just be because I’m getting older, but I think at least two of them (peripheral and reflexes) are a direct result of my medical crisis. Obviously, I can’t say for sure. I am not a doctor. I know what I experienced, but I don’t know what it actually did to my body.
Side note: I am going through something physically now. I’m not sure what it is, but I think it might be menopause. I have talked about it with K, and she went through something similar with menopause. Except the cold flashes, which, as someone who never feels cold, is really irritating. But, it’s sudden exhaustion, aches, and flushed body/face. K has been going through it for years and she said that during perimenopause, she and her colleague would go trhrough the symptoms at the same time.
Oh, that includes a really heavy period. Which is the most annoying of all. Here’s the thing. I have always had a very light period. It’s great! Except when it’s annoying. I used to get my period three to four times a year for three days at a time. In fact, I asked my doctor about it beacuse I was worried that it was so light (even though I loved it). She said as long as I got it twice a year, I was fine.
It was weird, though, because the way I was taught about periods was so different than what I actually experienced. I was taught (back in the eighties) that it was once a month like clockwork. There was PMS which was bad, and heavy bleeding for three to four days. That was it.
My reality is that I got my period every three to four months, depending. Depending on what, I don’t know, but that was the frustrating part. It came out of the blue and I was not attuned to my body’s needs at the time, so it was always a surprise. I had to carry a pad with me all the time. The first day was very light. The second day was medium to heavy (probably light to medium for other people) and the third day was spotty.
It was more frequent and regular when I was having sex. Then it was every thirty-five days or so and with the same lightness.
I was incredibly lucky with my period. I didn’t have many symptoms besides sore boobs and a coppery taste in my mouth right before my period started. Other than that, nothing.
About a year before my medical crisis, I hit perimenopause. I don’t know how to tell, actually, as my period was so negligent, anyway. But I could tell that I wsa not getting it as often, and I was ready for it to go. I got it twice a year at most (and honestly, probably less than that), and it was not even three days, really.
Then, about six months ago, I started to get symptoms that I had never had before. Aches, chills, hot flashes, and sudden exhaustion. I took a Covid test and it was not that. I was pretty sure it was menopause. I talked about it with friends, and they had similar experiences (except the cold flashes. That’s just me, apparently).
K has been dealing with it for years. I talked about getting a sudden gush of blood that took me off-guard because my usual period was so light. She commiserated and helped me see taht it wasn’t something that was wrong with me. It was my body’s last gasp at getting me preggers, which I did not appreciate. This has happened twice and just as I think I’m done with my period for good. It’s probably been more than six months, but it’s irritating. I can’t wait for it to go away completely.
Anyway. If I don’t feel better by tomorrow, then I’l make an appointment to see my doc just to rule out that it’s something serious.