Underneath my yellow skin

Tag Archives: menopause

Firm writing goals for this year

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Goals. That is what is on my mind right now. In the last post, I started actually talking about my goals for this year. I delved into the issues I was having, including the fact that my fiction writing has dried up.

I don’t think this means that it’s gone completely, though. I think I just have to rethink how I actually write now. It used to be so easy. I would get the idea in my head–

Side note: I don’t use outlines. I may have to in the future, but I haven’t up to this point. Yes, I know that this is the accepted way to do things, but it never worked for me. What usually happened was that I would get an idea in my head and let it percolate for days or weeks. I write murder mysteries (or at least mysteries. Usually murder was included), and I would start with the main character. Not a private detective, but a normie who stumbled their way into a situation, much like Jessica Fletcher. I usually wrote trilogies because that seemed to be the right amount of time with a protagonist.

Once I had the protag, then I came up with the victim. In doing so, the perp usually sprang to mind as well. I doen’t think I’ve ever changed the perp as I was writing, but I have changed circumstances, relationships, and almost everything else.

As I wrote yesterday, I know my strengths and weaknesses as a writer. Strengths: characterization and dialogue. Weakness: descriptions and transitions. I don’t like the latter two in part beacuse I can see everything in my mind, so why couldn’t everyone else?

I can be super self-indulgent about dialogue or world-building because those are the things I enjoy. I can write for pages about psychology and relationships, and I have to take a sterner hand with those. On the other hhand, I struggle with describing physical things other than in a “She has black hair and large brown eyes” kind of way. I envy people who can make the descriptions flow, but I just cannot.

Side note: I have to start considering that the reason I can’t write fiction the way I used to is because of my medical crisis. It didn’t affect me much in my day-to-day, but there were things that were affected that maybe I wasn’t able to see until later.

Such as: I have almost no peripheral awareness now. My eyesight is not as good as it used to be. My reflexes are shit(tier). All of these could just be because I’m getting older, but I think at least two of them (peripheral and reflexes) are a direct result of my medical crisis. Obviously, I can’t say for sure. I am not a doctor. I know what I experienced, but I don’t know what it actually did to my body.


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We need to talk about it

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Let’s talk about menopause. I’m pretty sure that’s what I’m going through. I will get it checked out with my doc to make sure. But it clocks with what K went through with perimenopause and menopause. I wrote about it in the past post, but I need to expand on it more now.

We need to talk about non-men’s issues. That’s been true for all my life and even more so now Women’s issues. Nonbinary people’s issues. Agender people’s issues. Anyone but the goddamn men’s issues.

I’m fucking sick of it. I’m fifty-two years old, and my god, can we please act like it’s almost 2024? Which means not centering men. That doesn’t seem like a big ask, but apparently, it is. I’m fired up because I am, I think, going through menopause. And if I’m not, I’m experiencing symptoms that have been consistent with menoapause.

Which I didn’t know, by the way. Sure, I’ve heard of hot flashes, but that was about it. The only reason I knew anything about the symptoms before now was because K had talked about it with me when she went through perimenopasue and early menopause. She had hot flashes so bad that she had to turn down the thermometer. She was a heat person. She grew up in Florida and loved the heat. Once menopause hit, she was hot all the time.

As I mentioned in the last post, I had no problem with my period. Or rather, my one problem was that I never knew when I was going to get it so I had to carry pads with me almost all the time. That was no big deal, by the way. It  was a mere inconvenience more than anything else.

K did mention it when she started having symptoms. I was sympathetic (see what I did there?), but I couldn’t relate, obviously. I started perimenopause and was not thrilled with it, but it still wasn’t that big a deal.

Now, however, if it is menopause, my god. This fucking sucks. And when I talked to K about it, she confirmed everything I said. A month or so ago–and, yes, I am going to get graphic in talking about my period–I had a gush of period blood heavier than I had ever had before. In like six periodes aggregate. Honestly, I had never seen that much blood come out of me at one time.

I had to ask K if that happened to her. She said that yes, it did. Oh, the excess blood as your body clings bitterly to the possibility of having a baby. Why did no one tell me that the ovaries did not go quietly into the night?

This seemed like it should be basic information that everyone who gets a period should have. Yes, I know better than that, but hope springs eternal. I thougtht bec;ause my period was so mild, so would menopause. If that is what this is!

Today, I’m feeling decent. Not tired. But I’m flushing and a bit achy. I. Don’t. Get. Sweats. Ever. Wait. To be more truthful, I get sweaty when I do exercise from time to itme. But just walking around or existing? Nope. No sweating. Hardly at all. Unless I’m in extreme heat, which I fucking hate.


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Menowhat? Menopause!

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Roughly three years ago, I started having what I thought were menopausal symptoms. Before I get into that, let’s talk about periods. People understand them very little in general, and what is seen is that women get them every month for a few days. The symptoms include cramps. That’s about it. This was what I was taught in sex ed forty years ago, and I dearly hope it’s changed since.

What has been my actual experience with my period? It started when I was nine. I was wearing white jeans and, yes, the result was horrible. I could not wear tampons comfortably, no matter how ‘ultra-slim’ they god. It hurt. It was uncomfortable. I was always aware i was wearing one. So I quit. I started using pads and what a relief. I never went back. Yes, at first it felt like I was wearing some kind of weird diaper beacuse they were so thick and bulky. But over time, they got thinner and thinner, and now, they are barely noticeable.

In addition, I have never had a problem with my period. I almost feel bad about admitting this because so many people with periods have such a rough time with PMS. But, here’s my reality. I got my period every third or four months for three days. It was light on the first day, medium to heavy-ish (never truly heavy) on the second day, and almost nonexistent on the third. I had to carry pads with me almost all the time because I never knew when I was going to get my period. My only sign was a coppery taste in my mouth and my boobs were tender.

That’s it. If my period had been on a regular timetable, I would have no issues with it at all. Oh, and when I was having sex, it was much more regular, but still never once a month. It was more like once everythirty-five to forty days.

When I was getting my period three times a year for three days at a time, I asked my doctor if I should be concerned about it. I mean, I had had it hammered into my mind that I was supposed to get it once a month. I was supposed to get cramps, terrible mood swings, and want to eat my weight in ice cream. None of that was true. I barely even noticed I had it.

Then, a few years before I ended up in the hospital, I started getting it every month but extremely light for like two days. Then it went away completely and just when I thought it might actually be menopause, my period would show up again. I figured I was in peri-menopause and shrugged my shoulders.

Then, about six months ago, I started to get my period every few months. Very light for the most part, but one day, it was heavy (for me). And just when I thought it would never come back, it did.


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Introducing fear

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Before my medical crisis, I had no idea what pneumonia felt like. Now that I do, any time I feel anything close to it, I worry. But also, it was such a unique feeling, anything compared to it is lesser. Which is both good and bad. “It’s not walking non-Covid-related pneumonia” is a pretty easy bar to clear, but that doesn’t mean that what I have is not something to worry about.

I feel like I did when I got the Covid shot. Not quite as bad, but the same symptoms. Chills and sweat, alternating. Fatigue and body aches. None of the more classic ones such as cough, runny nose, etc. I am sniffing more than normal, but no runny nose.

It could just be the crud. I am going to pick up a Covid test to see if it’s that. I will be both peeved and annoyed if it is Covid. Peeved because I just got the booster. Relieved because then I would at least know what it was.

I just took the test. It’s snowing out. That makes me happy, but it’s not going to stick around long, I have a feeling. But it’s certainly pretty and makes me feel very wintery, which I appreciate.

The test is fairly easy. It’s just swab the inside of the nose and then test it. Wait fifteen minutes and you get results. But you can mess up each step along the way if you don’t do it pproperly. And it’s fairly easy to fuck it up. I bought two in case I messed one up and also so I can test in a few days even if I’m negative with the first one. The only thing I had forgotten from the first time was that the ‘test tube holder’ was the package itself. Which I ripped open. Fortunately, I could craft it into a stand so it was no big deal.

I have taken a test before and tested negative. I know that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily negative as false negatives ar ea thing. This test is negative as well. Not even a whiff of a pink line for the test line. I will try again in a few days, but for now, will assume I don’t have it.

That doesn’t mean I don’t have something. Yes, Covid is a big worry, but there are other things, too. I don’t think it’s the flu given that from what I heard, it hits really hard. Maybe a bad cold? But it doesn’t feel like cold symptoms. That’s why I think it might be menoapause. I asked K about her symptoms when she had it, and she said it was exactly as I described. Body aches, fatigue, chills, and sweats. If I don’t feel better by Monday, I’ll see my doc.


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