Underneath my yellow skin

Category Archives: Writing

Sideways to meeting my goals, part five

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These are dark days, my friends. Here in Minnesota, especially. I’ve lived here for all but a year of my life, and now, I am thinking of leaving. Well, to be fair, I had been thinking of it before–leaving the country, I mean. I’ve never been one to say, “This is not my country” because I’ve always been very clear that this is my country. Oh, sure, we kept it under the surface, but the hatred and bitterness was always lurking, bubbling, showing up in fits and spurts.

But. It was nothing like this. It has never been like this. This is unprecedent in my lifetime (not before it, mind, but during it). My brother called me today to let me know that ICE is going door-to-door and that I should have my passport on hand if I go outside. Two Target employees got roughed up and detained. They chased a DoorDash driver into the house of a customer (the customer screamed at the ICE in righteous anger that they had no right to go into her house. It was awesome and amazing. They eventually fled with their tails between theier legs). They are doing everything they can to terrorize my state.

Side note: I am increddibly proud of my state. Minnesota is well-known for its activism, and my fellow Minnesotans are not going to be cowed. They are out there protesting, blowing their whistles (as a way to disrupt ICE as well as notify people that ICE are in the vicinity), shielding their neighbors, and doing the Minnesotan thing.

We are going to bake you a goddamn tater tot hotdish if you want one or not. We’re going to wrap you in a comfy blanuket and give you a hot beverage to drink if you’re cold. We’re not going to say no to you, but you will know by vibes when we’re not into what you’re doing/saying/thinking. As I had to tell a non-native, if the answer to your question is not an emphatic yes, it’s a no. “I’ll have to ask my spouse” = no. “I’ll check my calendar” = no. “I’m busy” = no. “That sounds delightful! I ‘ll let you know” = no.

We’re slow to anger (as a general rule), but once we are pissed off, woe be the person who gets in our way. We may not show it in an obvious way, but you will feel our stubborn wrath. Meaning, it may not be loud and angry (though it can be), but it’ll be mulish and ongoing.

I’m so tired. My sleep has been terrible lately, even more than normal. It’s not a coincidence that it’s gotten worse since this president took office. And, it’s doubly not surprising that it’s been absolutely awful this week.

These are dark days. Really dark days. This president has made it clear that he considers liberals his enemy, and his goal is to stomp us into the ground. That’s his basic M.O. in general. Anyone who is not with him is against him–and therefore, needs to be demolished.


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Sideways to meeting my goals, part four

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In talking about my goals, I used yesterday’s post to talk more about my family. I mentioned how I have come to terms with my parents (sort of) by thinking of them as not my parents (read the post). It’s helped me smooth out a lot of the frustration I have felt towards them, which I  consider a win. Look. It’s better than what our relationship has been in the past, and I know that it’s not going to change. I talked about how neither of my parents have changed much in all the time I’ve known them, so why would they start now?

What does that have to do with my goals? The dysfunction in my family has often made me feel like what I did didn’t matter, especially as an AFAB person. My birth gender was emphasized so heavily, and I was deducted so many points  just for having the misfortune of being born a girl. My parents were both so heavy on gender essentialiism, I hated being a girl by the time I was cognizant that it was a thing.

One of my sharpest memories of my childhood is that by the time I was seven, I was praying every night to a god I didn’t really believe in that he would make me a boy. not because I felt like a boy or because I thought I was a boy (I didn’t on either), but because I had internalized that it was awful to be a girl. Every morning, I woke up deeply disappointedc that I was still a girl. Like, crushingly disappointed.

At some point in my early twenties, I became aware of gender and race. And I became a raging feminist/pro-Asian person. I also became aware that I was attracted to women as well as men (*binary at the time. This was the early nineties before nonbinary, genderqueer, agender, etc.,  became part of the social consciousness), but I put that on a shelf because I did not want to deal with that as well as race and gender.

This all comes into play when I write. When I write, all of that comes out in every word. Sometimes, those on the right will snark about how ‘woke’ those on the left are.

Side note: I never understood how that became a negative, but it’s just a well-worn path for them. Take something that is a positive (being aware of other cultures, personal identities, etc.,) and make it a flaw or something to sneer at. Even the word itself, ‘woke’, uttered an a derogatory epithet is baffling to me. Along with being called ‘PC’. Who wouldn’t want to be aware that other ways of living are out there? (That’s a rhetorical question.)


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Sideways to meeting my goals, part three

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Let’s talk more about the circuitous way my brain works. I talked at length about it yesterday, but I have more to say. By the way, I am garrulous, especially in writing, and I’ve just accepted that about myself. Why use one word when ten will do? And why use ten when fifty works so much better? I have to actively stop myself from going on for longer than I already do, and when I’m tired, all bets are off.

I’ve gotten better, as hard as it is to believe that. But I used to not talk at all when I was a kid because I wsa taught that what I had to say didn’t matter. Nor what I thought or believed, for that matter. I was told over and over again that good girls were not heard at all and were barely seen, either.

When I was little, I was an exuberant, loud, joyful child. I would run around, climb trees, and just in general, be an active child. By the time I wsa seven, I was severely depressed, fat (according to my mother, who made sure to remind me of it in several ways, including putting me on my first diet, and saying I had such a beautiful face; too bad I was so fat). On nearly a daily basis, I was thinking about killing myself and how the world would be better off without me.

See, that was what the emotional abuse did–it told me that I was worthless. Or worse that worthless–I was an overall negative to the world. When I was in my late teens, early twenties, I believed I woke up every day not deserving to live, and I had to earn my way back to zero. Why? Because everyone around me reinforced the idea that my life in and of itself had no value. My parents, the people at the very cult-like Evangelical Taiwanese church my parents belonged to, and my very white teachers in the 1970s and 80s.

There were a few teachers who were incredibly kind to me, but for the most part, I was ignored. I’m not blaming those teachers, mind you. I note it more to say that I never felt welcomed in school, either.

It took me studying Taiji for me to realize that I mattered as a person. Not as an emotional support person. Not as an accessory, a friend, or a listening ear. But as a person in and of myself. Me. Just being me.

It’s difficult for me to hold onto that because my mother keeps making it about her. After my serious medical crisis, she said she was glad I hadn’t died–so she would still have someone to talk to about her problems. She’s said this to me more than once, by the way. She’s also called me her therapist, and her justification is that she knows all the therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists in Taiwan on a professional basis. Which, you see, means that she can’t have a therapist of her own.


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Sideways to meeting my goals, part two

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I’m back with more musings about my three main goals. I caught up on my writing (as far as an hour a day), and I have decided that I’m going to move Point B to the second book. What am I talking about? Well, I mused about it in the prior post, which you can read here.

In my murder novemoir, I had the central mystery plotted out in my mind. I didn’t know who the perp would be (which is unusually for me. I usually know it from the beginning), but I had the vic and the basic plot points.

Last night, I started writing about a second major mystery that I had seeded the night before, which was much more interesting to me. My impulse was to set it aside, but my brain said, “Nope. We’re going to keep on writing about it.” I mentioned in yesterday’s post that I knew the smart thing to do would be to put it in the sequel, but I’m stubborn if nothing else.

Now, though, I think I’m going to set it aside for the second book. It’s too meaty to do it in tandem with another major mystery. I have decided that the hour a day can include the time it takes for me to research a topic or rereading what I wrote before. It includes thinking time and anyithing that is related to writing. Once I’ve done that for the month of January, then I’ll think about making it two hours.

I am very glad that I changed it from writing 2,000 words a day to writing for an hour a day–and now saying doing anything writing-related for an hour. The goal right now is to get myself back into writing fiction on a daily basis. I still have it in me; I just need to apply myself.

Side note: This is another thing that I found out about neurospicy people–it’s not just laziness. What I mean is that sometimes it feels literally impossible to force myself to do the thing I need to do. Even if it’s something I want to do.

When my bestie used to live here, we would make plans to get together once a month or so. I always looked forward to it, but I had to drag myself to get dressed and drive to her place. She would not be ready when I got there (a long running joke in our thirty-year friendship), and we used to commiserate with each other about how weird it was that we had such a hard time getting ready for something we really wanted to do.


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My goals for 2026, part three

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Here we are in post three about what I want to do with my life in 2026.I have several goals, but there are three that I consider my priority. In yesterday’s post, I mostly wrote about Taiji and Bagua forms, of which there are several I want to teach myself. The goal for the year is to teach myself the Bagua Knives Form (with the deer horn knives), but in order to do that, I first have to teach myself the left side of the Swimming Dragon Form. Well, I don’t have to, but my teacher highly recommended it.

She told me there really wasn’t a Swimming Dragon Form with the deer horn knives, which made me sad. That’s really my ultimate goal in Bagua, and she said that basically, I would have to cerate my own. I’m up for it, but just not yet. Frist step is to teach myself the left side of the Swimming Dragon Form. I’m halfway done with that, and I should be able to finish it in a month or so. Or two. I want to be generous to myself so let’s say two.

My third goal is perhaps the hardest one of all. Well, that’s not true, but it’ll be difficult for different reasons.

3. I will find a queer/genderqueer Asian group, probably online.

I feel a lack of Asian people in my life. Asian American, to be more specific. And queer people. And genderqueer people. Ideally, I would like it to be all at the same time because it’s combining race, gender, and sexuality is a tricky triple combo. As with everything else in my life, I have to pare down what I’m looking for. If I was going to be unrealistic, I would add areligious to the mix, along with body positive, into martial arts, and black cats. In other words, people a lot like me. Oh! And autism and/or ADHD. Again, asking for all of that is a tall order, so I’m trimming it to gender, race, and sexual identity.

This will be hard because of my specific wants. It’s not just queer–it’s bisexual/polysexual/whatever you want to call it. In other words, not gay. I know that everyone thinks queer means gay, but it doesn’t. Bi erasure is real (or whatever you want to call it these days–bi, I mean. I’m not sold on it and never have been, but I can’t think of anything I like better. So for now, bi means people like me and people not like me. Said with a grumpy sigh), and it’s so fucking tired.

It’s the same with gender identity. I don’t mean nonbinary–I mean agender. They are different things, or at least they are to me. I don’t fluctuate in my gender like some people do. This is something that I have such a hard time explaining because I can’t make it make total sense in my own bran.


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My goals for 2026, part two

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I’m back to muse more about the new year. We are in the first day proper, and I want to talk more about my three big goals. Here is my post from yesterday, which mostly focused on my writing. I want to add another step to reach my writing goal. I usually spend most of my time at my desktop, but I write at my laptop. I need to make the commitment to change computers before it’s time to go to bed. So, I’m going to say for now that I’m going to go to my laptop at midnight. That will give me more than an hour to write before going to bed.

Again, I want to give myself as much cushion as possible so that I will actually meet my goals. I want to set myself up for success, which is not something I usually do. Most of the time, I set myself up to fail by setting impossible goals. Not because I think I can do them, but because I feel I need to go big or go home.

To refine the writing goal: It has to be a solid hour of writing. I have had a hard time not stopping and starting, which didn’t used to be a flaw of mine. I had many, but I could write for hours without stopping. I don’t want to blame my medical crisis, but it’s possible that it’s responsible. Even though I’m not really affected in my daily life, I did have a stroke. That probably knocked something loose in my brain.

Let’s talk more about Bagua. Right now, I’m working on the left side of the Swimming Dragon Form (hands only). I am about halfway through, and it’s been mostly easy going. There have been a few postures that have fucked with my brain, but for the most part, I’ve been able to teach it to myself fairly painlessly.

I should be able to finish it in a week or two. Then, I will get started on the Bagua Deer Horn Knives Form. I just watched the video for it again, and I’m excited. I also watched my teacher’s teacher’s Karambit Form video. I had previously taught myself about a third of the form (thinking I was nearly done), and I want to pick it up again, too. It’s not canon Taiji, I don’t think, but I’m sure my teacher’s teacher made it so.

Do I think both are doable in one year? Yes. Am  I going to commit to it? No. Again, I’m trying to make my goals as attainable as possible. So, the official goal is to teach myself the Bagua Deer Horn Knives Form with the stretch goal of teaching myself the Karambit Form. Or, let me be more realistic. To re-teach myself the part I know. As I was watching the video, I noticed the places where I had got it wrong.

I love knives and swords. Probably to an unhealthy degree. For now, they are all practice swords and knives, meaning either dulled steel (my sword and saber), practice steel (flexible) (double sabers), practice steel part two (deer horn knives), or rubber (karambit).


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My goals for 2026

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It’s now 2026, which is surreal. Time seems to go faster every year, but that’s especially true of 2025. It went by in a blink of an eye, and now we’re in 20266. It seems impossible, but it’s true. I floated through 2025, not doing much of anything. I want to do more in 2026, but I need to be realistic. I am not a ‘do ten things a day person’, no matter how much I want to be one. Also, I am not going to go to bed before 4 a.m. Let me just admit it. In fact, it’s 4 a.m. now, and I’m just starting this post.

I have several poals I want to meet in the new year, but there are three major ones that I have at the top of my list. I’ll go through those first and then maybe tackle the others if I have time (and the will). These are not in any particular order.

1. I will write the first draft ofmy novemoir.

Yes, I’m still insiting on calling my writing project that as a mash-up of novel and memoir. I want to write the rough draft, which will be roughly 200+ pages. Probably more, but I’m making a safe estimate.

Let me break that down even further.

A. I will write an hour a day.

In the past, I have said that I will write 2,000 words a day. That was not a problem for the most part back before my medical crisis. I wrote 2,000 words every day for the better part of several years. Maybe a decade? I’m not sure, but it’s many years.

Ever since my medical crisis, though, I’ve been struggling. In the past, I have had novels galore in my brain, and I easily wrote the rough drafts like they were no big thing. For the life of me, I cannot get this one done. But, more to the point, I have not dedicated myself to doing it. It’s partly because I have not had to work for it in the past that I’m not good at steadily applying myself to something.

I want to make my goals reasonable so that I can actually attain them. This is the one that is the hardest, so I’m setting small goals.

B. If I can do A for a month, then I’ll move it to 2 hours.

This seems like a good mid-goal because it’s very doable. I can write 2,000 words in 2 to 3 hours if I’m steadily writing. If I can do one hour a day for January, then I’l lmove to two hours a day. By the way, I’m counting until I go to bed taht night as that day. So this would still be the last day in December in my mental files until I actually go to bed.


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Totally realistic goals for 2026

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I’ve switched from idealistic goals to realistic goals, but who knows when I may switch back? My brain is jumpy right now so I’m interested in seeing what road it’s going to traipse down. I don’t know any more than other people do, which is the exciting part. I can start with the intention to go in one direction, and then, a thousand words later, I’ve done a one-eighty without even knowing it.

I don’t have a problem with that. It’s how my brain works, and who am I to say no to that? It’s taken me many decades, but I’ve finally made my peace to how meandering (and verbose) my brain is. In my twenties, I used to be embarrassed by it. I would apologize that it took me so long to say anything, and my posts were legendary for their length. Now, I know it’s partly because of my neurospiciness that I can’t say anything in a brief manner.

It took me a long time to figure out it’s because I see things as a complete whole and not as their pieces or their parts. I had trouble in school when a teacher or a group wanted to focus on one topic without seeing the way other topics interacted with it. For example, I took a Feminism in Philosophy class in college. All of it was very tilted towards the Western world. I asked about how feminism differed in different countries/ethnicities/cultures, and my teacher said that she didn’t have time to talk about that.

I didn’t say anything, but in my mind, I was thinking, “You mean, you won’t make time for it.” Also, I was thinking, “Some of us don’t have the  luxury to separate out issues like race and gender.”

This was before the days of nominal intersectionality, and it wasn’t even a glimmer of an idea in anyone’s mind. It was frustrating because it’s not like I coudl say, “Hey, let me put being Asian away and not be treated any differently because of it so I can focus on my gender” and have anyone take me seriously.

It was really frustrating to me, and the introduction of intesectionality didn’t really change anything because it was lip service more often than not. Also, no one cared about Asian people, anyway.

My point in mentioning that is my mentality is reflected in my writing. I can’t write about things in isolation because everything is connected in my mind. I found out this was a symptom of certain neurodivergent conditions. I can’t tell you what a relief it is that my mind is not broken–just wired differently. No, it doesn’t change the fact that I have to mask to be acceptable in normal people gatherings, but at least I know it’s not (completely) me.


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New year, new me, who dis? 2026, part three

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Before my medical crisis, I had a good routine. I got up whenever and did my Taiji regime (as I fondly called it). That took an hour to an hour and fifteen minutes. Then, I had my coffee as I slowly browsed the ‘net. Once I was done with that, it was time to write a blog post. After that (which took a couple of hours), I would do my work during the afternoon, and then write for a few hours at night. I had Taiji class three times a week and a private lesson every other week. That was my life, and I was comfortable with it.

Then, medical crisis and a disruption to my life at the end of 2021. And while I still do my Taiji/Bagua routine, everything else has gone sideways. I still write a post a day, but it varies wildly when I actually get it done.

I do start out with my Taiji/Bagua routine, which takes roughly two hours. That’s because I dawdle here and there, though. The routine itself is probably about an hour and a half. Lately, I’ve been scrolling in between (and while) doing, which makes it stretch out.

I want to get back to having a schedule so I don’t feel adrift. And because it’s too easy for me to shrug off the nighttime writing without it. It used to be that I did all that on my laptop. Now, I only do the fiction writing on my laptop and the rest on my desktop. Since I’m spending most of my time on my desktop, it’s too easy to just not go to my laptop until it’s time to sleep.

I need to do whatever it takes to get back to writing. I miss it. I have said that it’s a fair trade to give it up for being alive, but I don’t see why I can’t have both.

I do think that my brain is different since then. That’s not bad or good–it just is.

When  I talked to K the night before last, we were discussing life in general and this stage of life in specific. She was saying that she was starting to think about what she really wanted to do next. She urged me to do the same, and while I got what she was saying, I had a hard time envisioning what I wanted.

I have not ever had a dream or a vision or a plan for my life. I never had a five-year plan or anything grandiose like that. Basically, I was just trying to make it from one day to the next, and I don’t really have a bigger picture plan.

She’s not wrong, though. It is about time for me to take a stepp back and soften my gaze so I can see the world (and my life) more broadly.


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New year, new me, who dis? 2026, part two

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In my second post about my life and goals in 2026, I want to talk about going outside the box. I have a tendency to keep to a strict routine, in part because I have a bunch of allergies and health issues that makes it difficult for me to be around other people. I want to slowly expand my life, and I have a few ideas what I want to do. Here is the post from yesterday in which I talked about a few things I wanted to do in the new year.

I want to expand a bit more on Taiji and Bagua. I have gotten lazy with my practice, and I want to tighten up my forms. I also want to not scan my phone as I’m practicing. I have started the bad habit of scrolling on my phone whilst practicing, and that’s not something I want to keep doing. Not only is it bad for my concentration and form, I lose track of time and my regime takes much longer than it should.

I want to teach myself the left side of the Swimming Dragon Form. I’ve started doing it already. Initially, it was so I could do mud stepping on the left side, but now, I want to teach myself the form in the standard way. I don’t really consider that teaching myself a new form, though. I also want to make sure the 3rd part part of the 3rd section of the Solo (Long) Form (Taiji) is solid. My teacher’s teacher has changed quite a few things in the Solo Form, and I tend to neglect it for other more exciting things.

I also want to teach myself the Swimming Dragon Form with DeerHorn Knives, but that’s a bit more complicated than just adding DeerHorn Knives to the form.

I was talking to K, and she mentioned something called The Moth. It’s like slam poetry, except it’s short stories. She told me about it because she loved the stories I told her about the delusions I had in the hospital. At first, she said I should write a book of short stories about my delusions, and then she mentioned The Moth. Coincidentally, they were here in MN last night (when I talked to K). I took that to mean that I should look further into them. To that end, let’s continue my list.

4. Writing about my medical crisis. This is what I was talking about above. Yes, I will be including it in my novemoir (I AM going to make that a thing), but I also want to write something specifically about my medical crisis. It might be a bunch of short stories. It might be a screenplay. It might be a performance piece. I used to write and perform performance pieces when I was in my twenties and early thirties, which was draining, but very fun.


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