I am musing more about health, gender, and how I wish the world would be. Here is my post from yesterday in which I wrote about why I opted out of the ‘woman’ label–reluctantly and with some regret. As I said, in my previous post, I have no problems with the label itself or being called a woman in an ideal world.
Alas, we do not live in an ideal world, especially not now. And I am not a material girl living in a material world.
I want to be totally honest this post. I do not understand gender and why people are so wedded to it. This is not me saying I don’t believe that most people are very wedded to their gender–I know they are. I am just not one of those people. I wish we could just not talk about it, but I realize that this is not realistic.
In this society (and maybe others, but I cannot speak to that), we place so much emphasis on gender. It’s baked into so many things that even the mildest push back is considered radical, disruptive, and threatening.
Seriously. I cannot say how shocked I was at the pushback I’ve gotten from supposedly feminist women for…not wearing a bra. For quietly deciding not to have children. For stating the fact that calling someone by the wrong gendered ttitle is misgendering. For simply saying I’m agender. All of these in a very bland way because I know better than to be at all positive about it. Or for saying I don’t use pronouns.
I’m constantly reminded that me quietly living my life is a big shock to some people.
I mentioned this is an earlier post (I think), but I need to repeat it. Last year, I had to renew my license. When I went to the DMV to do so, I was pleasantly surprised to see that they had nonbinary as a choice. They didn’t have it when I nenewed (online) four years prior (early pandemic), so I was not expecting it.
And I didn’t choose it. Why? One, I don’t consider myself nonbinary. As I’ve said many times–if I was thirty years younger, that’s probably what I would call myself. Not because I vibe with it, but because it’s the least-worst of the options. Much like I chose bisexual, reluctantly, because there’s just no better label. Well, bi.
The biggest reason I did not choose nonbinary, though, was because I looked at the political climate around me. I knew the possibility of a repeat of the orange menace, and I knew that no matter what, the Republicans were going to make hate of queer/genderqueer people a major point of their platform. So, I swallowed hard and went back in the closet. I shut the door behind me, and sighed in sadness.
I am fifty-three years old. I have been out about being bi since I was in my early twenties. So thirty years. And I have been chilling with agender for the past two or so years. I wasn’t very vocal about it, but I had told the important people in my life.
It’s not that important to me, so I can hang out with the woman label. But it hurts. And it’s restrictive. And I resent like hell that I have to do this at my age. It’s enraging to me that my niblings have less rights than I did at their age–which was thirty-ish years ago.
I feel like even in the progressive quarters, we’re going backwards when it comes to gender. It’s the ‘I’m cool with black people’ vibe that many white people give until they actually have to interact with black people. I feel it’s the same with feminists who say they are cool with genderqueer folk–until they actually have to interact with them.
I’m old. I know that people who are minorities in one way don’t necessarily support minorities in other areas, but it still astounds me, bewilders me, and frustrates the fuck out of me. Gender is an interesting one because now, women can be both the minority (in terms of society in general) and the majority (in terms of all genders). Granted, white women have felt that tension before, but not based on the gender part–which is where they find themselves now.
I have some compassion because gender is changing so quickly these days. Even at the beginning of the pandemic, we were mostly talking about trans people in terms of gender diversity. Nonbinary was beginning to become known, but it’s only in the past few years that it’s really exploded.
And it’s more a catch-all term than anything concrete. If you talk to ten nonbinary people about what that means to them, you’ll get ten different answers. Same with agender. To me, it means that I don’t care about gender in anything more than a cursory way. It doesn’t have anything to do with anything, and I don’t feel any particular way about it. Or rather, I know I’m not a man. Anything other than that is fine with me.
I wish we lived in a world where gender didn’t matter for those of us who don’t care about it. I respect people’s genders, so why cant’ they do the same for my lack of interest in mine? I don’t mind being born a woman. I don’t mind people assuming I’m a woman. I don’t mind being called ‘ma’am’ on the phone–oh wait. that never happens because I have a very deep voice. I get called ‘sir’ 100% of the time, and I am fine with that, too.
Side note: I have been talking with a friend, also bi, about why bi people are such hot messes. Like all of us. The hottest of hot messes, emphasis on hot. We think it’s because to be bi, we have to be outside the norm, anyway, and by definition, being bi means being open in general. If you’re gay, you know you are completely outside of the societal norm. If you’re straight, you’re in it (to grossly simplify the matter). If you’re bi, you’re not in it or out of it–you’re outside the whole paradigm.
This seems to be my lot in life, and I’m fine with it. For the most part. More later.