Underneath my yellow skin

Taming the fury inside

It’s been a rough week. As I’ve chronicled, I’ve been dealing with a migraine and something else, not sure what, exactly, but it’s not the ‘Rona, thankfully. It might be a cold; it might be allergies; it might be something else. All I know is that I”m exhausted all the time, and it’s hard to do much of anything. My motivation is gone, and I have to push myself to get anything done. Is it depression? Partly. But it’s also something different. I know depression intimately, and while some of what I feel is that, some of it is not. I have a random cough, and it’s very wet. Is it a summer cold? Probably. Or allergies. My allergies are terrible, and even though they’re better because I’m mostly inside, they’re not gone completely.

I’m enraged by the idiocy in my country. I tweeted about it yesterday just to get it off my chest.

I read a tweet or FB post about how exhausting it is to try to do your best for the better good while realizing that there are people who aren’t doing that. More to the point, there are people who are actively doing what they can to flout the recommendations. It’s especially difficult because the people who need to be the most diligent about the recs are the same people with the most to lose.

It’s really difficult to know that I’m expendable to the assholes in charge. I mean, I knew that in general because I’m old, Asian, bi, and a woman, but it makes it even worse that because  of my shitty immune system, it doesn’t matter if I live or die. To see it repeatedly and not just by the president’s cronies really hits hard. I already struggle with feelings of self-worth, and this message certainly doesn’t help. To see it casually repeated, “Oh, it’s just the old and those with autoimmune issues who are at risk” as if we don’t matter…yeah, it’s not a good feeling.

I’m incandescent with rage, and I’m having a hard time containing it. I watch as my country spirals and is assisting in its own demise, and I just want to punch all the assholes in the nether regions.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I understand that we can’t keep things in lockdown indefinitely. I understand that most people need to see other people. I’m not normal in that and even I am getting itchy. So I’m not objecting to opening up somewhat, but it’s just that it’s being done in such a haphazard fashion. Let’s not even talk about the travesty that is known as Betsy DeVos. Or the fact that teachers are yet again expected to put their lives on the line for very little pay and without any backing. Or that the country supposedly so focused on children doesn’t actually give a fuck about them.

My brother and I have been talking about moving to another country. Rather, he brings it up and then we discuss it. The problem is that even if it was a viable option, so many countries are refusing entry from Americans–and I don’t blame them! I wouldn’t let us in, either.

I’m angry because I know that what the administration is doing now will hurt the country in the long run. Hell, it’s hurting the country in the short run. I know about denial, but this is an extreme case of it. It’s bewildering to me that this can be going on in front of their eyes and they refuse to see. Take Florida, for example. They are getting more and more cases since they reopened, including the most in one day, and yet, the governor is still talking about opening the schools like it’s no big deal. They reopened Disney World yesterday, and my mind cannot even grasp the thought process in allowing this decision to be made.

I know that being furious doesn’t help. I know that going to places willy-nilly without the proper precautions would only hurt me and others who don’t deserve it. I know that I can’t control what happens. At all. However, I can’t stop myself from being almost overwhelmed with fury whenever I read the news or hear about the newest hair-brained scheme to reopen. I am thankful that my state is more measured and reasonable about it, but that doesn’t mean that we won’t get swept up in the aftermath of all the horrible decision making.

I’m feeling hopeless right now. I mean, I feel that way much of the time, but especially now. I said in the first year of this president’s tenure that he is really underscoring how much of the position is predicated on the unspoken assumptions as to what a president will and won’t do. We’ve learned that the president can do pretty much anything he wants and not have any consequences for it. The reason more presidents haven’t acted as this one is because they adhered to the unspoken rules and they understood that a member of a functioning society should at least try to do what’s best for the greater good. This president clearly doesn’t give a shit about any of that and it shows. That’s how he’s able to get away with much of his bullshit–he simply does it.

Side note: He’s really not helping matters by fanning the racist flames with his kung flu bullshit. There have been cases reported of Asians being accosted in public and treated poorly because of what this president has said. In the latest case, the asshole CEO doing the cussing was a British man. Oh, the irony of a Brit telling anyone that they didn’t belong in this country (America). When he was caught out and made viral, he apologized, saying what he said wasn’t really him. Sure. That’s why he shouted it in the faces of an Asian family who were simply taking their auntie out to dinner for her birthday. It’s another reason I hesitate to go out in public because I am not hear for any of this racist nonsense.

I know this Covid-19 situation isn’t going to end any time soon. I also know it’s up to me to find a way to cope. I just wish so many of my fellow Americans weren’t intent on making it so fucking difficult.

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