I’m swimming in the sea of depression and riding the waves of crushing hopelessness. I’m having a hard time keeping my head above water, and some days, I don’t want to even bother. Today is one of that day. So, I’m just going to post a depressing video and hopefully wait it out.
I also have a doctor’s appointment to check my thyroid, lie about my depression, and maybe get my annual. Rightly or not, I relate getting really sick twice last year with going to the doctor, which makes me even warier of returning. Anyway, I hope it goes well. Here’s the depressing emo video.
I’ve been depressed all my life for as long as I can remember. My mother talks about me being a happy child, but I don’t remember that at all. My first real memory is when I was seven. I realized I was going to die, and I jumped out of bed and ran screaming from the room. I fell into a deep depression that year (not because of that, though it didn’t help), and starting when I was eleven until roughly mid-thirties, I wanted to die every day of my life.
I never had the courage to kill myself, but I saw the opportunities everywhere I went. Driving was a struggle because I constantly had to stop myself from running into embankments and such. If I walked on a bridge, I thought about how I could throw myself off it. These weren’t conscious thoughts, but stray thoughts floating in and out of my brain. I had no control over them, and they felt as if they were driving me.
Sometime in my mid-thirties, I started to stop having suicidal thoughts. Or rather, suicidal impulses. I was still depressed, and I still hated my life, but I didn’t have to stop myself from driving into embankments any longer. Again, it wasn’t a conscious thought, but it just happened. I think it’s at least in part because of starting taiji, but whatever the reason, it was a welcome change.
Starting in my early forties, I began to stop having suicidal thoughts as well. Let me be clear. I’ve never loved life, and I doubt I ever will. But, it was a relief to stop having intrusive thoughts all the damn time. I downgraded my depression to low-grade, and I muddled on with my life.
Unfortunately, in the last few months, the depression has ramped up again. Not to the extent it used to be (which was crippling and chronic), but more than I’m comfortable with. Intrusive thoughts of hopelessness and self-disgust. Thinking that life is worthless and why am I alive. I don’t feel as if I’m contributing anything by being alive, and I have a hard time dragging my ass out of bed (off the couch) in the morning (afternoon).
I’m discontented with, well, everything. I was always the girl with so much potential, but my own self-doubt and loathing has held me back. I’ve always had great ideas, but major difficulties in implementing them. It’s part of the problem of being very intelligent, and that is NOT a humble brag. I never formed good work habits because school came easily to me. I work for myself, so I don’t have to stick to someone else’s timetable.
I need to figure out what I want to do with my life, and more to the point, I need to stick to something and give it more than the good old college try. It’s time to see what I’m made of–and maybe the depression will subside.
I’m so tired of being sick. I was feeling slightly better yesterday, but I’m exhausted today. My sleep has been slowly getting better over time, but it’s been all over the place while I’ve been sick. One of the only benefits of me being sick is that I sleep for extended periods of time. It’s the only time my body allows itself to completely let go, which, yay for sleep, but boo because it’s when I’m too sick to enjoy it. The other side effect, however, is that on some days, I’m back to sleeping as little as I used to. The difference is that I’m not young enough to coast on four or five hours of sleep any longer. I can survive on five, but it’s hanging on by my nails survival.
I’ve scaled way back from politics because it seems hopeless to me, and it’s displaying America’s worst traits in all their glory. Egotism, confirmation bias, nationalism, willful ignorance, fame fucking, striated classes, boastfulness, all the isms, and just–yeah. It’d be difficult to deal with at any time, but especially right after President Barack Obama, who has been the best president of my lifetime. He represented the best of America, all that we aspire to be, and to go from him to our current president?
Ugh. It’s more lemon honey ginger tea and Poirot while snuggling with Shadow on the couch. That’s all my little grey cells can handle right now.