I am sick. Still. And very pissy about it. I am the worst when I’m sick because it offends me. I can’t be equanimous about it because, well, I don’t know why exactly. I think it’s because I do so little that exposes me to other people, but that doesn’t mean I’m totally isolated. I also have a shitty immune system which means that it’s much easier for me to catch shit than it is for other people. Let’s be frank. I’m not the best at taking care of myself, either. I’m a slob. I don’t eat well. I do taiji every day, but that’s about it. I sit too much. I smoke two cigarettes a day. By the way, I am thinking about giving up the last, but there’s a part of me that rebels because it’s the only vice I have. I don’t drink or do drugs. I’m not having sex. I don’t eat extravagantly or travel that much. So, it’s the cigarettes that give me that little boost of rebellion every day. In addition, it’s a contemplative time when I sit on my back porch (stand) and get a bit of sun. Yes, I could go outside without the cigarette, but I’m not going to do it. I know myself. I know how I work. That’s not something I’m going to do. Of course, the argument is whether it’s better to go out five or six times a day and smoke (I smoke a quarter of a cigarette at a time, a half in the morning) or not go out at all. Probably the latter, but I can make a good argument for the former. Which I do. So, yeah, the two cigarettes a day aren’t the end of the world, but because I have so many sinus/bronchial issues, it would help to give them up.
Another problem is that I have severe allergies, which I griped about in last week’s post. That makes it difficult for me to know what is allergies and what is an actual sickness. There is a lot of crossover, so it’s hard to tell what is because of what. Anyway, I’ve mostly been extremely exhausted and flushed. Once in a while, freezing cold, but that’s not as often as being insufferably hot. I’ve slept eight to ten hours a night which is how I know I’m sick (average is six), and I’m tired all day long. Today, I woke up with my sinuses going haywire. My left ear is plugged. My nose feels as if there are a million little needles pricking at it constantly.
Side Note: I recently learned that sinus issues can be related to migraines. I hadn’t known that before, and it’s fascinating to me. Just as fascinating as the fact that you can have a migraine without the headache. Which leads me to wonder, why are all these things called migraines? I kinda like migraines being restricted to severe headaches, but that’s just me.
My throat is clogged and my nose is running at the same time, which is quite the feat. I keep sniffling, and then I keep trying to swallow the literal lump in my throat. I’m not very hungry, which is a boon, I guess? I don’t know. My brain just does not want to do anything other than, well, nothing. It doesn’t want to do anything. I just want to sleep, but I can’t. That’s my own personal hell. I want to sleep much more than I actually do, and I resent not being able to sleep. Don’t get me wrong. I’m grateful I’ve gone from four hours a night to six/six-and-a-half, but it’s still not nearly enough. It’s the one thing that I actually like about being sick–getting enough sleep. Unfortunately, I can’t enjoy it or feel as if it actually matters.
Being sick also exacerbates my depression. I already am struggling with feeling worthless and hopeless. Being sick makes it even worse. I hate everything about my life right now. My laptop is still borked, though it might fixable with adding one part for eight bucks. I ordered the part, and hopefully it’ll get here before Thursday when my brother is coming over for lunch. He’s my IT guy, and he even said he would have to be the one to do this fix because he’ll have to open my laptop. My laptop is fucked up in that back left corner, anyway, which might make it difficult to add the part. It’s my power cord. It’s not working. I’m pretty sure it’s the computer and not the cord as it’s a new cord. I also ordered another cord just in case, but I’m pretty sure it’s not that. I’m using my desktop, and, yes, I know that I’m privileged in that I have two computers. And, I have to admit that it’s nice to have my dual-monitor set-up and not just my small(er) laptop screen, but on the other hand, my laptop is a gaming rig with SSD. My desktop is…not. On the third hand, I have 2 TB of memory on my desktop, which is really nice.
Those are first world problems. I’m more irritated by the sick thing than anything else right now. I’ve been drinking all the honey lemon ginger tea during the day and herbal tea at night. It’s not doing much for the actual symptoms, I don’t think, but it does soothe my aching throat. I wake up with my throat raw, and it remains that way through the day. No amount of tea drinking makes it go away, and while the tea helps for a hot second, it doesn’t last very long. I’ve also bought some Simply Lemonade with Mango with the rational that citrus helps colds. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but it’s tasty, so why the hell not?
I’m just so fucking tired. I’ve only been up for three hours, and I already want to go back to bed. I’ve managed to stay up until eleven or midnight since I’ve been sick, but it’s been a battle. Why I don’t just try to sleep more? Because I know what will happen. If I managed to fall asleep now, my sleep schedule will be fucked. It’s already fucked, but I’m not displeased with being on a more ‘normal’ schedule. If you could call midnight to eight more normal. I guess it is? I wouldn’t mind being on my old schedule of going to bed at six in the morning and waking up at noon if the world was on a more reasonable schedule. I think it’s bullshit that we’re still on a 9-to-5 clock even though we have artificial light now.
Anyway, I’m trying not to spew my grumpiness on everyone else, but it’s hard. I just want to be better, and I just seem to be getting worse. I was low-grade sick for a few days, then the exhaustion worsened, and now, my sinuses are having a party in my head–only it’s not a fun party. It’s a ‘I’m going to call the cops on you right now’ kind of party, only there are no sinus cops. I probably just have to be patient, but that’s not my strong suit at all.