Underneath my yellow skin

The more things change…part three

Last week, I wrote about how there are several things in my life that have changed without me actively trying to enact said change. Most of them I put down to taiji, and there’s one more I want to add to the list. It’s a weird one, but it’s fascinating–at least to me. Let’s talk about my hair for a minute. I don’t like much about the way I look, but my hair is my shining glory. Funnily, I mostly keep it in a bun these days, but I feel badass when I have it down. For at least a decade, it fell to my waist, just above my ass. In the past year or two, it’s grown about eight inches and now it falls past my ass. I thought I was making things up, but, no, my hair is appreciably longer now. I’m excited about it, but also a bit weirded out. I haven’t changed any of my hair regime, so what’s the difference?

At first, I said taiji. Why? Because that’s my go-to for anything positive in my life. It’s true 85% of the time, so it’s not a bad shout. This time, however, I don’t think I can give credit to taiji. Instead, I think it’s beacuse I drastically changed my diet two and a half years ago by cutting out dairy and gluten. I also cut out caffeine almost 100% later, I think six months or so, and maybe that’s part of it. Anyway, I think it’s the diet that has strengthen my hair, and at any rate, I hope it keeps growing.

That’s not the coolest part, though. Well, the next part is half cool, half not-cool. I have a lot of silver/gray in my hair. I’ve been eagerly awaiting for it to turn all gray/silver because I think that would be bad and ass. I want to look like storm, and then I’m going to cut it all off. At least that was the plan. I’ve become really attached to it (no pun intended), so we’ll see. That’s not the cool/not-cool part, though. The gray is reversing. I know it sounds crazy, but it is. I took it down to brush yesterday–

Side note: Part of my depression is that I am not always on point with my daily grooming. It’s one reason I wear my hair up in a bun–so I don’t have to deal with it. That’s fine and dandy, but it means that I sometimes can go a week or longer without brushing my hair. If I just left it in a bun, it might be ok (but probably not), but I have to redo the bun every few days, which means by the time I let it down, there are usually huge tangles in the underneath part of it.

Side note to the side note: I remember reading a series of tweets a while ago about a woman who had severe depression. She did not wash her hair or brush it in something like a year. Her hair was as long as mine, and she went to a hairdresser to deal with it. It was the hairdresser who was tweeting about it. The woman was still downtrodden and self-defeating, and the hairdresser decided she was going to do what had to be done to save the woman’s hair. For the next six hours, she brushed out the woman’s hair until she got rid of all the mats, tangles, and snarls.

Anyway, with the amount of hair I take, when it snarls, it takes a lot of patient coaxing to get them all out. In addition, it’s the worst in the exact back of my head, so it’s difficult to reach. I know the answer is to brush it every day, but that’s simply beyond my ken. It’s one thing that I hate about myself–how much mental and physical energy it takes for me to do simple tasks–and it’s one that I would like to change.

Back to the color of my hair. It’s reversing. When I was brushing it out a few days ago, I saw much more black than had been in there a year ago. I’m sure it wasn’t a sudden thing, but I don’t look in the mirror if I can help it. I looked at my hair carefully because I was sure I was imagining things. Nope. There is appreciably less gray/silver. Which, as I mentioned before is cool and not cool at the same time. Oh, and I Googled it. Apparently, there are a few reasons why graying reverses itself. The biggest is less stress, and for that, I’ll thank taiji. It’s the biggest reason I have less stress in my life, and if it’s making my hair go black again, so be it.

Why is it not cool? Because of the aforementioned waiting for it to go completely gray/silver. This will set back my progress on that front, but I suppose I can wait. It’s pretty exciting that my hair is going back to black, though! I read that it can’t completely reverse, but it’s pretty interesting to watch, regardless.

I’m tired. Of what? Of life. I feel as if I’m just going through the motions or waiting to die. That’s not completely true. It’s more that I’m putting so much energy into getting the minimum done. It’s very un-taiji of me, but it’s not something I have control over at the moment. I think it’s partly because I’m doing the FODMAP elimination thing, and it’s making eating a very sad thing, indeed. I don’t mind eating the same thing every day, but when it’s not by choice, it chafes. I don’t eat Brussels sprouts on the regular, but now that I can’t, I want them. The list is so restrictive, and packaged food is so sneaky about adding things in it under the guise of ‘natural flavorings’ or ‘spices’ or whatnot, it’s depressing.

The colors are gone from my life at the moment, and I realize this current depressive phase has lasted over a year. It’s ebbed and flowed, and it’s not at all as bad as it used to be back in the day. Still. I have a hard time making myself do anything more than just make it through the day as best I can. It’s discouraging. It’s hard not to feel ashamed that I can’t do much more than one extra thing a day (such as make a phone call to set up an appointment, never mind actually go to the appointment), and my brother is doing ten things a day on average.

Side note III (or whatever): It’s still hard for me to believe my brother and I are related. We are so different, and yet, we get along really well right now. We were never close when we were kids–it’s only in the last ten years or so that we’ve grown closer. He fixes things for me, and I’m his unofficial therapist. It works well, and I know I can count on him if times get tough. In addition, I’m really proud of how great a father he is, especially considering how lacking in that department our own father was.

I know I am a better person than I was ten years ago. Hell, I’m a better person than I was a year ago. I just feel like I have so far to go to approach anything close to ‘normal’, but there really isn’t anything I can do about it.

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