In my post from yesterday, I was going to talk about gender and ended up talking about how I was a weirdo in general. Which is fine because it’sr related–somewhat. I also talked about what a disappointment the movie, Knives Out, was for me. I won’t get into all of it, but I will say that I was holding out for the ending to not be what I sussed it out to be the first time the perp walked onto the screen.
I was more offended by the fact that the director made such a big deal about pleading with the reviewers not to reveal the twist, honestly. There wass nothing in the movie that needed to be treated like it was top secret or a work of art. I wasn’t just disappointed in the movie; I actively disliked it. Except for the cast members chewing up the scenery. That was the best part of the whonle movie, even though the script was, ah, weak. (I’m trying to be polite about it.)
My point was that I have weird tastes in almost everything. It doesn’t matter if it’s pop cutlure, beliefs, ideas, or anything else. There is very little that I like that could be considered mainstream. Even if it’s popular, it’s still niche. I’m trying to think of the last thing I liked that was liked by the masses. I would have to say it’s probably Everything Everywhere All at Once, which I loved up until the very last monologue by Michelle Yeoh. Sadly, that last speech made me like the rest of the movie a lot less the more I thought about it (the speech and the movie), but it was highly enjoyable until that moment.
If I were to watch it again, I would probably just end it before the last speech. Let’s just say I felt too much of the pain at the mother’s words to distance myself from them. All that “Asian parents tell you you’re terrible out of love” bullshit is just that. I mean, maybe they feel it’s out of love or it’s being portrayed in that way, but it doesn’t feel like love to be told I’m fat, lazy, and that I nede to find a man (get over being bisexual).
There was way too much pain in hearing that speech, and it really made me not want to watch the rest of the movie again. I know I can watch it up to that point and no further, but that’s not my style. I have a hard time not watching the all of everything (one of my compulsions), and, also, to be honest, that last speech really soured me on the rest of the movie. Why? Because I feel as if the whoole message was negated by it. I mean, I get that people don’t change that easily and that being unable to talk about your feelings are both real. And that it’s even more difficult for Asian people because of the culture.
But, you know what? No. I’m tired of it. I don’t need to be told I’m loved all the time (though I’m not going to turn it down, either. It makes me feel warmed), but I am not down with being told negative things about me under the guise of it being a form of love. No, that’s gaslighting to me. And, yes, I know cultures are different, but that doesn’t mean I have to accept another culture unquestioningly.
I have a real issue with being called by an honorific that is based on my gender or one based on my age. Yes, i”ve finally gotten to my point. I have looked, and there is no term for elder in Taiwanese culture. I mean, as an honorific. I would be fine with that, honestly, because I am older. I have never cared about my age, and I certainly don’t try to pretend I’m younger than I am. In fact, as I have said many times, I add a year to my age on January 1st just to get me ready for my next birthday.
But, I cannot abide by being called by a gender-based honorific. At all. It just makes me feel like shit. I don’t necessarily hate being called a woman. I can accept that in this binary society of ours, that’s the one they are going to choose for me. And I know that I’ve made it even harder because I can’t be a normal person and choose one of the two binary choices. And beyond that, I can’t choose the most acceptable third choice–nonbinary. That’s the one that most people recognize outside of the binary, I think. I mean, there’s trans, too, but that’s not one I identify with.
I have said it before, but the one label I really like in this cotegory is genderqueer. The problem is that it now means no,nbinary. That’s always the problem with the labels I like the most–they are often coopted to mean something more narrow than what the term originally meant. For example, queer. It’s my favorite label in that category, but it now means gay. Same with genderqueer. People think it means nonbinary.
I understand that we live in a binary world, but it’s dicouraging because I feel like I have to go for terms I fell less connected to because they aren’t already warped. Bisexual is the term I’ve chosen for that category, but I have never cared for it. I always say I choose the least worst of the labels, which is not the same as the best.
I don’t feel like a woman. I never have, and I feel further from it than ever these days. Yes, it’s in part because I just do not like what the fuck is going on in my country due to gender. I mean, so many other things, too, but, man the gender issue is really getting vicious. It’s hard to even talk about it without getting stressed, honestly.
I check the news once a day or twice, but that’s all I can stand. More tomorrow.