One more post about gender? Yes, sadly. Here is the post from yesterday in which I talked about how I just did not feel gender at all or get it.
I was reading a question and (answers) about gender (eh, kind of. It’s good enough for the purpose of what I want to write in this post)–well, in a way. It was a work blog, and the question was from a woman who had been at her work for sixteen months, but only recently started getting complaints about the skirts she was wearing. She stated that she was having bloating issues and did not wear tight clothing/belts that would bother her stomach (paraphrasing). She stressed that the skirts fell to just above her knee, which was acceptable at her job.
Other women wore the same kind of skirts, including her boss–the person who reprimanded her about her (the letter writer’s (LW) attire), and there were men who wore hoodies and were fine while the LW’s bare shoulders were not. She was in a customer-facing position, and she wondered if that was part of the difference. But she was frustrated, embarrassed, and did not want to have to buy a whole new wardrobe.
I want to say that this has been a left-leaning blog for as long as I’ve been reading it (which is seven or eight years, I think?) with a lot of self-proclaimed feminists. The amount of commenters who came up with an embarrassing amount of reasons why this was reasonable on the part of the boss. Very sexist reasons, I may add. I was glad to see a few people call it out, but for the most part, the commentariat went all-in on the sexism.
Including one woman who was really ugly with it–saying older women needed to be told when they looked ugly. No, not in those exact words, but close enough. She may not have meant it, but that’s how it came across, and she doubled down on it when questioned.
What really got to me was what always happens with questions like this–the desperate search for anything other than sexism as the reason the sexist thing is happening. “She’s wearing a too-tight skirt” (despite her saying she had uncomfortable bloating and wore nothing too tight); “Maybe it’s rolling up/she doesn’t realize how it looks on her”, which got a distressing amount of similar comments, etc. “Maybe the sleeveless arms are considered unprofessional” (but not the hoodies?).
Very few of them remembered or addressed the fact that the LW had been at her current job for sixteen months, but the comments had only started recently. None of the comments took that into account, which was frustrating AF. In the year 2026, we have gone backwards with feminism, I feel. A commentor actually wrote with all their fingers that a woman not shaving her legs in America was considered “gross”. Again, in the year 2026. I haven’t shaved anything in thirty years and have never gotten any shit for it. Then again, I’m Asian. And I live in a very progressive area.
Look. I’m not saying it’s not look down upon in probably the majority of the country, but it’s not as universal as the above person so confidently stated, either. There were several people who objected to what the OP of this thread had to say, but not nearly enough. There were several who agreed, too.
It’s pretty depressing that we have not made any progress on this issue since I was twenty. Wait. That’s being kind of fatalistic and pessimistic. It’s also not true. We have made agonizingly-slow progress, but it feels like we’re sliding backwards. Of course, I’m going to protest anything that promotes rigid gender roles (and, quite frankly, useless traditions), but I’m just so tired of even having to deal with them at all. Or rather, that they’re any kind of deal.
I was once talking to Ian about the fact that I thought of myself a socialist (if I had to pick a label, which I prefer not to do). He said I was an anarchist, and he said it with conviction in his voice .I was completely sure waht that meant, so I looked it up. It meant someone who wanted to take down all forms of hierarchy, political ruse, and capitalism. It would replace all that with interconnectivity, interdependence, and such.
I would add to that my own definition–which is to get rid of most traditions. At least the ones that I feel have no real purpose. Like wearing pantyhose. I’m not saying don’t wear them if you want to, but the hidden rule that you have to wear them in the office is just so foreign to me. Then again, much of professional standards baffle me. Come to think of it, much of societal rules in general do as well.
I can deal with the meaningless-but-harmless ones like doing small talk at the beginning of a conversation. I have that down pretty well (until the other person starts pouring their heart out to me, and I’m just like, “Look, I’m just hear to buy my groceries.”). I can do that dance with ease. I can go to a party and do the small talk there, too. I’m really fucking good at talking to people (or at least, I was. I don’t know if I’m still good at it), and I have a knack for drawing them out.
My whole gestalt, my thing, if you would, is that I just can’t see things in the ‘normal’ way. This includes gender. And I don’t think I ever will. I feel very beaten down about it because of all the shit that is happening in this country right now. Not just because of this issue, but it certainly doesn’t help.
I feel like I have to hide my entire self. Not that it’s been much different my whole life, but it feels even more dire now. And I’m exhausted in my soul from doing it for a lifetime.
I’m done for now. I might write one more post tomorrow.