This is part two about when labels are actually helpful and necessary. Here is my post from yesterday in which I was musing about the times when a label actually helped rather than hurt (or just annoyed me). In general, it’s in the medical field when I find useful. If there’s something wrong with my body or my brain, it’s a relief to know what that is. It’s easier to treat something if you actually know what that something is (and you don’t think it’s all in the patient’s mind).
It’s also helpful when it’s something like autism that marks me as different (though not ‘defective’ as health issues might). I cannot tell you the relief I felt when I realized that much of what I thought was wrong with my brain was in fact something medical (as autism is). It didn’t mean that I wouldn’t have to deal with it (because of course I would still have to do that), but it meant that it was something that was just different–not necessarily wrong.
I think if there’s one thing I could convey to other people who are different for various reasons that have nothing to do with good and bad as defined by Christians, you are glorious the way you are. That’s not to say that you won’t have to mask at times or that you’ll never have to smooth your edges to get along with society, but it is saying that much of that is arbitrary and there may never be a legit reason for it.
One thing I think people who are neurodivergent often have to do is calculate how much of the weirdness they want to let out and at wwhat cost. This is especially true at work, which, by the way. I have a gripe (because of course I do).
There’s been a movement to bring your whole/authentic self to work. It was supposed to mean that people who were minorities and (including neurodivergent) should be able to be more themselves at work. Meaning that they should not have to heavily mask all the time. Or, as a very basic example, black women should be able to wear hairstyles that are a part of their culture without getting punished for it.
It was not nor has it ever been a way to say that everyone should let it all hang out at work. I am so frustrated that this is what people now think it means. “No one wants to see someone’s ugly side at work!” Well, no, but that’s never what it meant in the first place. It was supposed to be a way for minorities to feel less burdened at work for being so different than the norm.
I know that’s how these things work on the internet, though. The least-generous interpretation of a term (read, the one that the majority fixates on) is the one that eventually wins out and becomes the definition of that term.
Sigh.
Anyway.
I realize it’s still difficult for me to really let my guard down with people because I have had negative reactions to the real me more often than not. I’m not just a little different–I’m a lot different.
My last therapist said something to me that has stuck with me for twenty years. I was explaining a conflict I was having with an eBay seller. No matter how I tried to explain what they were doing that was wrong (videotaping a live performance and selling it online), they insisted that it wasn’t pirating because they did it themselves.
It wsas clear as day to me that what they were doing was illegal, but I just couldn’t get them to understand it. In fact, they brought a claim to eBay against me. When I countered their claim and explained in what I thought was simple English what had happened, eBay gave me my money back. The sellers were pissed, and I still didn’t understand why.
I told my therapist about it because I was still trying to figure out what I could have said to make them understand. She said in a mix of exasperation and understanding, “You think on a level five or six; they think on a level two. They literally could not understand what you were saying.” She likened it to Maslow’s Hierarchy in that some people had to do what they could to secure level one and could not even think about level two.
I explained this to my brother, and he felt a relief as well. I have mentioned several times that there was a second finding in the Dunning-Kruger study–one that people don’t even talk about. It’s that people who are really good at something underestimate how much better they are than most people at that thing. I’ve seen it many times, and it’s frustrating when people don’t recognize it.
In my ideal world, I could just be myself without having to constantly mask or filter. I don’t mean that I would run around and let my ID take over because that would be disastrous for everyone. What I mean is that there are some things that should be kept to oneself, but there are other things that should be OK to let out.
When I message with my autistic friend, I can let my guard down. We can commiserate on a level that I find very rare. She said that when she hangs out with her neurodivergent friends, it’s much easier to communicate (or not) than with other people. I find it true that when I hang out with my besties (who are not exactly neurotypical themselves), I can relax to a much greater degree than wehn I’m out in the gen pub.
Even then, I still keep up my guard to a certain extent. It’s only when I’m alone that I can really relax. It’s partly society and partly me. I have internalized that there’s something inherently wrong with me, and I need to keep it from other people. Even though I don’t truly believe that any longer, I am painfully aware that I’m a weirdo who makes other people uncomfortable/uneasy when I’m truly myself.
I do best with others when I focus on them and draw them out. I am not as good at it (read, willing to do it) as I was in the past, but it’s still almost automatic for me.
I don’t know if I can change it. I’ve tried, but it’s so ingrained in me. When I hear that hoary old adage about how it’s best to be yourself and that people should accept you as you are, I just want to roll my eyes.
More tomorrow.