I want to talk more about my brain, neurodivergence, and the constant masking I do. And why I don’t want to have a/any romantic relationship(s). At least, that’s the plan. As I have shown over and over again, I don’t always stick to the script. In yesterday’s post, I wrote about autism and how the stereotypes of who had it prevented me from seeenig it in myself for decades.
I got a decent amount of sleep last night. In fact, more than decent. Nine hours in total! That’s almost unheard of for me. Now, I’m exhausted. I always feel more tired after getting good sleep than before it. It’s because my body realizes how sleep deprived I am and then demands more. Before that, it kind of grits its teeth (stay with me) and just deals with it because it thinks it has no other choice. Once it become cognizant that I actually have a choice about how much I sleep (to a certain extent), it wants more. I don’t blame it, mind. I just find it hard when I actually do right by it that it then wants more.
I’m a bit down. I was talking about the channel of the Discord I’m in that is a chill place to hang out. Today, I was reminded of how I was still an outsider in several ways. One is because the Americans in the British-centric Discord have been talking about having an American get-together. I don’t think I’d be comfortable attending because of my immune system issues, but I was interested in hearing about it. We all suggested places, and my contribution was Chicago. Several people suggested Southern cities, and that was when I knew that it was not for me.
I’m not going south of the Mason-Dixon line (and yes, I chose that for a specific reason). In 2026 with all that’s been going on, I’m just not. I mean, look, my own city/state has been iffy, but that wasn’t our fault. Let’s not forget that we were invaded and besieged by our own government half a year ago.
As a Taiwanese American bisexual agender person who is old and tired, I’m not going to the south. I’m just not. They are enacting a raft of anty-queer laws AND anti- immigrants laaws, and I don’t feel safe going to, say, Nashville. I don’t care that it’s a major city–it’s still in the Deep South that is DEEPLY hostile to people like me.
I don’t want to be the one to bring it up and make everyone feel bad, but I also resent the fact that I have to be the one to bring it up. Yes, I know that’s part of being a minority of the minority in a group, but that’s one of the reason it’s such a fucking drag to be a minority.
I haven’t brought it up because it’s all theoretical right now. We’re talking about ‘oh, wouldn’t it be cool to do this?’, which is far away from having an actual plan, not to mention an actual date. And, as I said, the chance that I will actually go is slim. But if it’s in the south, the chance of me going is zero. I just will not go. I am not willing to put myself in that position nor the discomfort it would elicit from me.
I hate that I have to think about this and weigh my discomfort at bringing it up with my discomfort of actually going to the south. I will say that I’ve always been chary of going to the south, but now, I just won’t do it. That’s not even a question in my own mind.
The fact that not one other person has even thought of it shows me how fringe I am. Or rather, how some people don’t have to think about these kinds of things on the regular. I’m not bitter (well, a little), but just more than a little sad. I don’t want to be the troublemaker or the joykiller, but I. Will. Not. Go. To. The. South. None of it. I just can’t.
This is my reality. I’m lucky in that I can hide my gender and my sexuality–well, I don’t know if lucky is the word. But I can do it if need be. I just hate that it needs be. More to the point, I would not feel comfortable having to hide that much. It’s not as if I’m vocal about it in my daily life, but the point is that I don’t have to hide it. Especially not in my very progressive neighborhood.
I am feeling some kind of way about this. It’s been very dark days in America right now. And I resent that I have to put up with this shit STILL. It’s worse in some ways than when I was in my twenties. Mostly because the discrimination is purposeful and hateful. Argh. I’m not saying this right. Discrimination has always been hateful. But there’s something especially malignant about the current administration that really drives it home.
I would say that for all the flaws that other presidents had, I believed that they wanted what was best for the country. I also believed that most of them believed what they were saying–to a certain extent. I don’t believe any of that with this president. It’s all about what (he thinks) makes him look good in his own damn eyes.
I’m not getting into that because it’s so depressing. I don’t like what’s become of me during these times, too. Normally, I’m a very compassionate person. Yes, it’s because I was forced to be, but that doesn’t make it less real. Now, however, this president and his administration, my compassion for my fellow Americans has drained away almost completely. I read about his followers who get hurt by him, and my immediate thought is a vicious, “GOOD.” I want them to hurt as much as I hurt.
Fuck compassion and empathy. They voted for him in part to strike out at me and my kin. Fuck them; I’ll fight the fuck back. I find it bitterly ironic that they voted for him largely because he allowed them to release their inner id, and then they’re surprised when he lashes out at them. Did they never learn that they are not the exception to the rule? If someone punches down at people they consider worthy targets, that same person is going to eventually punch at them.
They should have learned that in kindergarten! But, yes, I know that people tend to feel that they are the exception to the rule–until they learn the hard way that they are not. More tomorrow.