Let’s talk more about safer spaces. In yesterday’s post, I talked about reasons why it’s necessary to clearly spell out acceptable behavior in a group situation. I also mused about how people protested about it and about enthusiastic consent because….? Well, with the latter, they said it would take the spontaneity out of sex (ummmmmmm), and in the case of the former, I think it falls under the “people should just know this” umbrella.
Side note: It’s tiring. Being told that this or that is just something people should intuit. And as much as normies like to talk about how anyone can learn soft/social skills, it really isn’t as easy as that. And that’s part of ableism. It doesn’t help that it’s been so indoctrinated in people, many neurodivergent people feel the need to make themselves smaller, mask harder, and apologize for being different.
It’s not uncommon, by the way, for minorities to do this. Or to be one of the good ones. I have seen it time and time again, and I have been one to do this as well. When I was in college, I mostly hung out with guys. It really wasn’t a ‘I want to be the cool chick’ thing, but it ended up being that. In order to hang with the guys, I had to (or at least felt like I had to) rag on the women they did. I was well aware that my status as ‘cool girl’ was hanging by a thread that could be snipped at any time.
It’s hard. The world is made for the normies. It shouldn’t be that way, but it is. So while we’re worknig to change that, we also have to teach minorities how to cope and funciton in the real world.
I’ve talked about the double empathy problem, but I want to talk about it again. Before autism was really a thing, anyone who was autistic was pretty much expected to conform to normal society. Parents would basically force their autistic children to behave in a way that was deemed normal. If that wasn’t possible, then it was getting as close as possible.
Oftentimes, this was done through abusve/coercion. Be it emotional or physicar or both. In my case, it was a heavy and constant dose of emotional manipulation–or maybe it’s more accuarate to say I was emotionally beaten down daily until I just crumbled.
I was told I was too sensitive, that I laughed too loudly, that I could not read while waiting for an event to start (Taiwanese event. Always started at least forty-five minutes late),and that I could not show any emotions other than happiness and gratitude. I know the latter is not an emotion, but it’s close enough.
To put it bluntly, I was made to hide who I really was since the time I was seven. I was a hot mess as a kid until–well, I’m still a hot mess, just in a different way. But that flavor of mess lasted well into my thirties.
By that time, the mask was welded to my face. Bolted and riveted in place. I could not remove it if I wanted to, which, had I known I was wearing a mask, I would have wanted. I didn’t know it, though. I just knew there was something terribly wrong with me that I daren’t let anyone see. Except maybe my closest friends–and even then, it was a small part of me.
Side note: It’s not a bad thing to show different sides of yourself to different people. That’s not what this post is about–this is about feeling like you can’t show your real self to normies. This is also not a ‘I can’t be my authentic self’ thing, either. I don’t want to get into that here.
This is about mimicking ‘normal’ behaviour so as to not offend/incense/put off anyone in polite society. When I mentioned the double empathy problem, it’s this. For much of the time that autism has even been a thing (and before when people were dealing with the behaviors and not knowing there was a name for it), the M.O. for dealing with it has been to forcce the autistic person to act as ‘normally’ as possible. That has done great emotional damage to many autistic people.
I grew up firmly believing that I was just wrong. Like my very being was wrong. I should not have been alive, and I had to earn my right to live every day. There were several reasons for it, but my weirdness (neurodivergence) was certainly one of them. I tried to fit in by studying other kids/people, but it always felt like a game of moving pieces.
I explained it to A that I felt like I was an alien when I was a kid. I also felt that everyone else got the manual on how to human, but I wsa missing that day. I never got the manual, and I was making it up frantically as I went.
That’s why it’s frustrating when normies blithely say, “Anyone can learn social skills” with the heavy implication that anybody that can’t is a failure or just not trying hard enough. That’s a part of the double empathy problem that needs more emphasis. It should not just be on the autistic person to try to understand normies. It should be mutual–the attempt to understand, I mean.
People are becoming more aware of this, but change is slow. I’m mentioning it in tandem with the idea of clear, actionable policies for groups because most autistic people benefit greatly from rules that are laid out.
Here’s the thing. I have a really difficult time reading/hearing sarcasm. I’ve trained myself to be better, but when I’m tired or stressed, my ability completely disappears. This goes for deadpan and other more subtle tones in communicating. My brother has the driest sense of humor, and it can be difficult f or me some times to get that he’s joking. In addition, I don’t watch movies or TV, so I don’t pop culture references.
Lots of time, I feel like I’m one step behind. And I’m someone who is really adept at social/soft skills. (For being neurodivergent, I mean.) Honestly, if I’m on my game, you would not be able to tell i wsa neurodivergent. This is not a good thing, by the way, because there’s a heavy cost to all that masking. It’s exhausting, and it’s one of the reasons that I prefer to be by myself most of the time by a country mile.
Even when I’m with people I love, there’s always a small voice in the back of my head telling me to watch myself. Only with a very select few can I ever drop that mask, and then it’s only half-dropped at best. This is not the fault of my friends, by the way. It’s all on me.
I’m tired so I’ll write more tomorrow.