I’ve been talking at length about what a safe(r) space is and what it isn’t. The reason I put (r) at the end of safe is because no space can truly be safe, and I’m not sure that should be the ultimate goal, anyway.
We all live in the real world. No one can be protected by everything that happens unless they are completely wrapped in bubbles. Which, honestly, sounds like a nightmare. Being wrapped in bubbles, I mean. *shudders because of sensory issues* But I do think we can try to be empathetic and understanding of other people. This is where my rant is probably going to start, so be forewarned.
Oh, and in yesterday’s post, I talked about how hard it is to make a space safe(r) for many reasons. The one I want to expand on is how most people are invested in a version of themselves that may or may not be accurate, especially when it comes to prejudices. The more we are invested in seeing ourserves in a certain way, the harder it is to accept even the gentlest of criticsm.
Here’s the thing, though. As hard as it is to hear that, say, something you said was sexist–it’s even harder to be on the receiving end of sexist behavior/comments.But in our society, it has become (in the last decade or so) worse to call someone a racist than to be actually racist (substitute in any ist for racist). Because people hear any carefully crafted criticism of something they said or did as if the critique is saying they are utter shit and should self-flagellate for a hundred days.
I really wish we colud teach people that learning something they said/did was some kind of ist was taken more calmly. But, again, most people react as if you’re calling them shit on the bottom of your shoes.
The reason this is important when talking about safer spaces is because if you’re going to set limits and have rules, it’s good to name what’s going on. If it’s a comic con, for example, there is going to be sexism abound. And probably racism as well. It does no good to shy away from it or pretend it doesn’t exist. In fact, that attitude is why for so long, many women, genderqueer, PoC, etc., people who were minorities did not attend such cons. Not only were they not safe spaces (or even safer spaces), they were actively hostile to minorities.
It took a conscious effort on the part of con organizers to come up with actionable policies that made it much better for minorities to attend these cons. It wasn’t something that happened overnight, of course. It took many iterations to come up with something decent, but they kept at it.
I have never had to hammer out a policy like this, but I would start at the top with the broadest rules. The obvious ones. No racist/homophobic/sexist/ableist, etc. shit. I know that seems like an obvious one, but people are people, and obvious to most people will miss the ones that really need to hear it. Also, take that fig leaf of plausible deniability away. Clearly spell everything out so people can’t wave their hands and say, “But I didn’t knooooooooow I couldn’t call a woman whom I was pestering a fucking c*** when she told me to leave her alone!”
Yes, there will always be people who try to rules lawyer and be jerks about it, but that’s not the problem of the event organizer. In fact, they can kick out anyone they want for any reason (though hopefully, they will abide by the policies they set as well. Meaning they won’t kick out people willy-nill and for spuriously reasons) without the whole ‘is it legal?’ question coming up*.
I skimmed a couple safer space policies, and one I really like is no touching without explicit consent. I know people make fun of that and call it being a special snowflake, but really think about what you’re saying when you protest. You’re saying that people, mostly women, AFAB, and genderqueer/nonbinary/agender people who read as female, have to put up with being gratuitously touched when they don’t want to be/didn’t ask for it/against their will.
I’m not talking about accidentally contact in a crowded hallway (although some creeps will use that as a chance to cop a feel nor people brushing by each other. Again, as long as it’s not a creep who is getting his jollies. Other than that, though, the default should be not to touch. No clapping people on the shoulders or patting them on the back. No guiding by the elbow or squeezing a hand unbidden.
Some groups have buttons or nametags that indicate what they are comfortable with. An example. Green nametag means you’re open to freeling conversing with people. People can come up and say hi. And, maybe if you’re comfortable with the casual touch. I still wouldn’t want to get into that territory, but it’s up to the group, really. Yellow would be ask if someone wants to talk, no touching. Red would be do not approach me.
People have complained that it’s overly precious, but why? Why is indicating the level of interaction you’re comfortable with not on? Why is being considerate of people’s comfort level such a bad thing? And don’t tell me because it’s not normal or how things are done. We’re allowed to change societal norms–in fact, we are constantly doing that, though it’s not usually always on a conscious level.
Again, really think about what you’re saying when you label clear, concise communication as problematic. When you prefer innuendo, polite fiction, and people being allowed to behave terribly rather than lay it all on the line out front.
It really benefits everyone to have some firm guidelines when a diverse body of people are interacting (and, yes, who gets to make the rules is a valid pont to discuss, but not in this post), especially if there are people from different communities in the mix. I’m not even just talking about neurodivergent/neurotypical. People from different regions have different expectations when mixing, and miscommunication can happen easily.
People like to say, “Read the room” and tell people to learn social skills. I do think many people can learn to a certain extent, but not everyone, and not all to the extent of being able to pass as neurotypical. I’ll get more into that in the next post, but I’m done with this post.
*Broad generalization. I don’t feel like talking about public versus private, etc.