I want to talk more about knowing when to speak up and how. It’s something that many neurodivergent people struggle with. I have less issues with it than most because I was taught at a very young age that what other people thought/felt was more important than what I thought/felt. In other words, I was always tailoring myself to other people. There was a time in my thirties whwen I swung to the other extreme and said my opinion much more than I really needed to. Even to this day, if I get a hair up my ass about something, I will defend it to the death. Even if it’s better for me to back off. Even if it’s such a small thing in the big picture, that I would be better off stepping down. In fact, sometimes, I think it’s when something is small potatoes that I find it easier to let loose.
I get mad at myself when I lose control over my temper over some silly little thing. In the past, I had a very tight rein on my temper and it took a lot to make me lose it. After my medical crisis, though, I lose it much more easily. I’m pretty sure it has something to do with my stroke, but I can’t say for sure.
I envy people who just talk up fearlessly. Who have no misgivings about saying whatever is on their mind. I’m not sayng it’s a good thing overall as filters exist for a reason. Also, oftentimes, what they say is shit. But since they say it with such confidence, it’s taken as fact. There have been many studies that show how far you can get with just a clipbord and a confident demeanor. Alarmingly so, actually. Therre are many reasons for it, but the bottom line is that it works.
That was not what this post was about, though, so I’ll set it aside.
When I was in my twenties, I tried to hard to contort myself to fit in with other people. To an embarrassing degree. Taiji has helped me correct that to a certain extent, but I’m still way too much of a people pleaser. It’s one reason I like being on my own most of the time. That’s when I can just relax and be me.
Back to speaking out. In the last post, I talked about how it’s better not to go full bore when you’re with people you don’t know well. The problem is that many people aren’t aware of their surroundings and/or don’t have a very high EQ. The latter is something that appears common for neurodivergent people, but it can happen to anyone. I mean, it’s more of an issue with neurodivergent people, but there are plenty of neurotypical people who have low EQ as well.
It’s hard to say how difficultI would find it if I hadn’t been trained to put others first since I was a kid. It’s so second nature to me by now, sadly. But I’m working on finding the middle between always thinknig about others and only thinking about myself. I’m not sure where that line is, but I try to stay on the right side of it.
I find it exhausting to be around most people because I’m just such a freak. I realized that even among weirdos, I was strange. Not in my behaviors, necessarily, but in how I thought. I like artsy people, obviously, because I’m into creative people, but I don’t dirnk, smoke, or do drugs. At all. IAnd I have issues with people who drink and drug hard. Issues meaning that I don’t want them around me. They can do whatever they want with their own bodies, of course, but that doesn’t mean I want to be there for it. It’s not fun being the only sober person around a bunch of drunk/high people–and I’ve had to fend off more than one unwanted advance from someone under the influence whilst in a group. People think they’re so clever and smart when they’re drunk/high, and they really are not.
Huh.
I just thought of something. It’s so hard for me to calibrate how I should be in a group in general that when you throw in an unknown like drugs or drink, it makes it even harder. I never put that together in that specific way, but it makes sense. I’m on edge when I’m in a group of people no matter what. Adding drugs and/or drink to the mix is not going to make things easier.
That was not what I was going to post about, but that’s what is on my mind, apparently. My parents can’t fathom living alone. They ask, “Don’t you ever get lonely?” Well, yes. But not as often as they think. Or as much. It took me until my mid-twenties to realize that I enjoy being on my own more than I like the company of others. I’ve explained it like this. I am the cake. I’m damn tasty on my own. Other people are the frosting. They have to add something to my cake that isn’t sickly sweet. Otherwise, I’ll just eat the cake on my own. Or rather, I’ll just BE the cake on my own.
I do want to do more things in the new year. One of my goals this year was to find a genderqueer queer Asian group, which I have yet to do. I’ll be honest with you–and myself. I don’t think I’ll do it this year. It feels like too big a lift. I’m so tired and worn out by the world around me. My depression and anxiety are back almost in full force. Not quite beacuse I’m aware that it’s happening. Well, I was before, too, but I’m able to control it better now. Not by a lot, but by some.
I think another reason that I don’t like to spend time with groups is that I have to have such a tight grip on myself when I’m not with people who know me well. I have to be so careful about how I present myself–or rather, I feel I do.
More tomorrow.