I want to talk more about how I would have benefited from knowing I was neurodivergent at a young age. I was going to write about that yesterday, but I got sidetracked. I wrote about why I did not want to be a mother instead and how that also would have been helpful–if someone affirmed it was ok for me to not want to be a mother, I mean.
I grew up believing that I was broken. I also believed that I needed to earn my right to live every day. This was tied directly into me being a weirdo and AFAB. My parents truly believed that girls were inferior and needed to adhere to rigid gender roles. Boys, yes, too, but not quite as much or as restrictive.
It’s funny. I was reading an old Ask A Manager post about hierarchies at the workplace. A commenter mentioned they were autistic and did not understand hierarchies. They went on to argue with people about it because they kept trying to explain to her how hierarchies worked in the work place. She kept saying she understood what they were saying; she just did not agree with it. I found ith fascinating how upset/frustrated people were getting even though she kept her comments chill and matter-of-fact.
This was from a few years ago, and much to my amusement, I had commented under this person, thanking her for saying that was part of autism. I had always found hierarchies an anathema, so it was just another piece of the puzzle. Beneath my comment was a comment from another autistic person who was one of the good ones (people in a minority who are anxious to prove to the majority that they are better than all the other people of that minority, though the good ones would not phrase it that way) and someone I really dislike. She’s so eager to put down autistic people in general if they need an kind of assistance. In fact, I would say she had a large amount of internalized ableism, and I often found myself muttering cusses at her because she wants to make sure everyone knows she would never act like those other autistic losers.
Anyway, she said something that really rubbed me the wrong way, and I was sharp in my response to her. At least, internally. I think my tone was icily civil. But I have no patience for try hards who don’t hesitate to step on others in their minority to be provisionally accepted by the majority.
I ain’t got no time for that bullshit. I was a cool girl when I was in college, and I learned the cost of trying to be one of the good ones. You were always on the precipice and only tolerated as long as you did not act up. That’s why I argued in the Discord I’m in against people who were making fun/putting down how visible autism was becoming these days.
This happens all the time. Any time something niche (for wont of a better word) gains any noteriety, people decry the whole field. Of course, the people in the Discord were all, “I’m for mental health being more open” blah blah blah. Right. Sure. That was quickly followed by a ‘but’ as it often is.
I went off. I said that my life would have been so much better if I had any inkling as a child that I was autistic. But that wasn’t even a hint of a possibility for several reasons. One, no one had autism when i was a kid (I’m been very sarcastic, in case you can’t tell. Kids had it; it just wasn’t recognized except maybe in some little white boys).
People were really going hard at people who self-diagnosed, but it’s not easy to get an official diagnosis. Plus, there’s nothing wrong with doing research on your own first. And, no, we are not all a little bit autistic. It’s wild to me that people think there’s a rush to declare oneself autistic as a way to game the system or something. Oooooh yes. It’s so beneficial to be considered autistic. Everyone wants to get on that hot TikTok trend, for sure.
I’m not saying no one has ever claimed a disability for nefarious reasons. I’m not naive; I know it happens. What I am saying is that it happens much less than people think/say it does. Also, I tend to think of it as a necessary evil. What I mean is that I would rather have a small number of people claim to be autistic and get the ‘benefits’ (whatever those might be) of doing so when they’re not if that means that thousands of actual autistic people get help.
It’s the same with the people who say they’re gluten-free when they’are not. Some people who are actually gluten-free don’t like it, but let’s be real. It’s usually people with no gluten issues who get pissed about it. Just like peolpe who are not autistic getting pissed about dubious claims of autism. Personally, I think it’s more complicated than just is someone gluten sensitive or not. Also, As someone who is, the spate of people claiming to be sensitive to gluten has spawned some truly tasty alternatives. I’m happy with that.
Back to hierarchies. I have never understood them. Re-reading that AAM post about it didn’t make me understand them any more. It was about whether the president of a company is more valuable than, say, an administrative assistant. I understand why people say this is true; I simply don’t agree with it. Or rather, I think it’s a weird way of looking at things. I’m not going to get into why I believe that, but when I read that it’s an autistic trait to not get hierarchies, I felt relief.
This is what I mean by it’s useful to know that I have an actual thing and that it’s just not all in my mind.
Here’s a small example. I’ve always hated cilantro. It’s tasted gross to me. My mom refused to believe me and called me picky. She scoffed when i said it tasted bad, saying it was just all in my mind. When the Times article came out about the gene that makes cilantro taste like soap to some people, I sent it to my mother. She read it and said, “Oh, I guess you weren’t making it up.” It doesn’t taste like soap to me, by the way. It just tastes gross.
My point is that once an important paper like the Times said it was an actual thing, she treated it seriously. I wasn’t just complaining and being a brat; I had science to back me up. The article came out in 2010, so it was when I was thirty-nine. Most of my life, my mother thought I was making it up. One article saying it was scientific, and bam! My mother immediately changed her mind.
More tomorrow.