I have been thinking of truth-telling recently because of the coronavirus. I’ve talked in the past about how I want the truth, even if it was uncomfortable. I made sure to tell people how I reacted to the second jab because I had seen too many people blithely dismiss it as oh you might feel a bit achy and tired for a day or two, but that’s it! And, for many people, that was it. I’m not disputing that! It’s just that there are some of us where that isn’t true and we shouldn’t be made to feel that we can’t talk about it. And, no, I did not reveal my difficulties with the second shot to garner sympathy as was said to me on Twitter. (Still bitter about that, btw.) My motivation was to let people know that here’s something that can happen and to be prepared for it. I said then and I’ll reiterate now that because I knew it might happen, I was able to prep for it.
Side Note: The last time I got the flu shot, I had a very bad reaction. Like, three days exhausted, shivering, aching response. I don’t get the flu shot (but will from now on), but decided to do so that one year. This was several years ago and I can still remember how terrible I felt when I got it. A few years ago, my medical practitioner and I talked about the flu shot and I said I hadn’t gotten it because of the reaction I had gotten that one time. She snapped back that it was better than being dead. (Note to the side note: I really liked her and only stopped going to her because she took a job elsewhere.) Well, yes. This is true. But that didn’t mean it was a fun thing and we can acknowledge that.
If I hadn’t known that I could have a severe reaction to the jabs, I would NOT have been happy about the aftermath. By the way, I also had a more-than-usual reaction to the first jab, but that doesn’t even register because that’s par the course for me. I had a bump from the first shot that lasted until I got the second shot. That’s three weeks and one day. I also had swelling around the bump and tenderness for several days. I had tiredness for two or three days and that was it. Again, that was not noticeable for me because I always react to shots. I have to get my blood drawn once a year (used to be once a month) and I always have a big and visible bruise when I’m done. Doesn’t matter how easy it went (which, back in the day, varied wildly because I have terrible veins. These days, I tell them to use a butterfly needle in the back of my hand and it’s all good).
I thought about this when I was reading the Covid diaries at Slate, specifically this one from two weeks ago. It’s about the Providence breakthrough cases and the intersection of queers, national crises, and the government. It’s written by someone who was one of the people who had a breakthrough case and his views on how the government lied. Or rather, didn’t tell the whole truth.
I was exposed to Covid over two weeks ago and I want to talk about it. I have been at the extreme end of sheltering during the pandemic. I am very lucky that I was able to do this as I work from home, anyway, and I could just order food online. Taiji classes moved online and I was able to deal with it relatively well. I went to the pharmacy once a month and that was it. Maybe swung by the gas station to pick up a few things, but nothing more than that. I got vaxxed in April and a few weeks later, started to cautiously relax my self-imposed restrictions. I went to Cubs for the first time. I had my taiji teacher come over so she could give me a private lesson in my backyard. And I saw my brother inside my house without either of us masking as we were both completely vaxxed.
During the unvaxxed days, my brother stopped by a few times, but he always wore a mask. The last time, I said it was fine if he didn’t because we were both vaxxed. Remember, this was before we knew that vaxxed people could get the Delta variant and spread it–or rather, to what extent this was possible. My brother stayed for a few hours and we were more than six feet apart, but unmasked.
A few days after he left, I started to feel exhausted all the time. Now, you have to understand that I’m always tired. I rarely get more than 6 1/2 hours of sleep a night and usually when I do, it’s because I’m sick. I can doze off for a bit at any time and I take it for granted that I will never feel fully rested. When I got the second vax jab, I could not keep my eyes open for three days. A slight exaggeration, but not far off. So, when I say that I have never felt this tired in my life, that’s saying something. It was so bad, I was wondering if I had come down with something. I hadn’t had a sinus issue/cold during the entire pandemic (one small silver lining as I usually have some kind of sinus issue every few months), but I couldn’t think of any other reason that I could not keep my eyes open.
My brother called me a week and one day after I had seen him to tell me that he had Covid. He had started feeling sick three days after he came to visit, including tiredness, a mild fever, and other Covid symptoms. He went to get tested on Wednesday or Friday of that week (can’t remember which) and he told me about it on Saturday. I made an appointment to get tested the next day and hung up the phone.
Fear. That’s what I felt when I hung up the phone. Then a numbness descended over me. there was anger in the corner of my mind, but it was far away and hard to access. That’s how I work in a heated situation–my emotions shut down while I take care of said situation. I told three people about it for support and then I waited. And waited. And waited. I had chosen the ‘gold standard’ of testing, which meant it would take 2-3 days before I got the results.
Side Note II: Testing itself was easy-peasy. I filled out an online form, make an appointment at a local Walgreens, rolled up to the drive-thru where the pharmacist talked me through the swab, then drove away. Took five minutes at most.
While I was waiting for the results, I was deadly calm. I showed nothing on the outside, reassuring my friends that if I had it and this was the worst it got, I could deal. This is how I am in a crisis–cool, calm, and caring about others. I was getting increasingly jittery the longer I didn’t hear from the testing lab, but that was also in the back of my brain. I was still calm on the outside and refused to let it affect me outwardly. Mind you, this was not a conscious decision on my part, it was just the way my brain works.
Then, Wednesday morning, I checked my email after my morning routine and I had the results from the lab. I pulled up the email, but did not click on the link. Suddenly, I was not ready to hear the results. Oh, and I learned that after talking to me on Saturday, my brother lost his sense of smell/taste. After a few seconds of panic, I clicked on the list and started skimming for the results.
Negative. I let out a breath I hadn’t even known I was holding and I felt a rush of relief. I was actually giddy, which I did not know was possible. I messaged everyone who knew about me getting the test in a state of euphoria and let the relief course through me. Then, following the joy was anger. This time, I let it out because it was now safe to embrace. I was 10% mad at me, 10% mad at my brother, and 80% mad at *gestures at the world*. Oh, by the way, my brother sees a lot of people in a week and had relaxed his strict rules just a bit after being vaxxed himself.
I’m so glad I don’t have the Covid and my unsupported unscientific theory is that I was so fucking tired that week because my body was fighting off Covid. I have to say that my brief brush with that made me realize how much I did not want to get Covid. I’ve gone to strict lockdown for myself and I’m still mad at how the CDC has glossed over the breakthrough cases. Yes, most vaxxed people are not dying from Covid, but living with it isn’t great, either. They talk about how these cases are mild, but in reading the Slate article I linked above, mild is still pretty unpleasant.
I understand why the CDC wants to be as definitive, but shit like this makes it more difficult for me to believe them. I know they are doing the best they can at any given moment and that we’re doing this real time, but I don’t like being lied to even if it’s ‘for my own good’. I don’t know what the balance is for the CDC between telling the unvarnished truth and prodding people to get vaxxed, but I hope they find it soon.