I don’t do holidays in general and especially not New Year’s. I did resolutions for a few years, but then realized that I was just setting myself up to fail. I don’t do well with goals. Erm. That’s not entirely true. I do well with some goals. Such as when I tried to lose weight in my twenties. I did TOO well and slipped into anorexia/bulimia. That’s one of my issues–I do things too hard, turning a positive into a negative.
This is one of my issues with NY resolutions–making them way too big. Losing a hundred pounds, getting into a serious relationship, writing a best-selling novel, etc. There’s nothing wrong with dreaming big, but there’s also nothing wrong with being realistic. In fact, when I set my goals too high, I lose all motivation and stop doing the thing altogether.
I suffer from depression and anxiety, which plays into my lack of motivation. I can have all the plans in the world, but actually executing them is another story. If I have a detailed plan, then I’m most likely to follow through. That’s what happened when I went to San Francisco for a year for grad school, when I got my cats, and, yes, both the times I went on a diet (that turned into an eating disorder or two). The first example is the prime one as I agonized over it for months. I had lived in Minnesota all my life and mostly on my own. Going to San Francisco and living with housemates was such a different thing for me–and I didn’t know how to deal with it.
I brought it up in therapy several times , worrying endlessly over every little thing. I have to say that having my mother around for three months was hard in part because she vocalized the constant anxiety I have rattling around in my head. I’ve learned to keep it inside because no one needs to hear that, but my mother has never learned that lesson. If anything, she’s gotten worse in her old age–I think it’s because she’s around my father all the time and feels she has to justify everything to him.
Anyway, back to going to San Francisco for a year. Here’s a thing you have to know about me. I hate everything. Hear me out. The way my brain works, I can see a million things wrong with any given thing. I come by it honestly, but it’s also part of my DNA. K and I used to joke about how different our families are. When she was having marital issues, her mom said she would be fine with her husband or with him. I commented that if I were in the same situation, my mom would point out why I was fucked either way. There are good and bad things about each of these mentalities, but it’s frustrating to always see everything that could possibly go wrong.
Side note: A few days before my parents were supposed to go back to Taiwan, my father got an ear infection that caused him vertigo. My mom freaked out and was wondering if they could even fly back. Now, I can understand being upset or concerned, but their reaction was way too much. My father was moaning about how he wanted to die and that no one could understand what he was going through. My mother was panicking and wondering if we should take him to the emergency room/urgent care. I pointed out that what he was going through wasn’t exactly life-threatening and when she called the Cubs pharmacist, the latter said my father had more of a risk of getting COVID from going to the emergency room than finding relief. Thank god for her words of wisdom!
Side note II: I really did not appreciate how often my mother brought up my father might possibly die as an emotionally manipulative tactic. I literally died. Twice. My father has never even been close to death. Plus, anyone can die at any time. That’s part of life. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. Probably not because I don’t go anywhere near the bus line, but still. It really infuriated me every time she would mention my father possibly dying (as a way to admonish me for not being closer to him). First of all, you can’t MAKE someone like/love/respect someone else more. You can cajole and push, but that’s not really going to help. In addition, there’s something particularly galling about telling THE PERSON WHO ACTUALLY DIED that you feel like/may die.
My father got an antibiotic for his ear infection, but then decided it was causing his vertigo and refused to take it. He reluctantly started another antibiotic, but decided his other meds were causing the dizziness (including his high blood pressure meds) and refused to take them. Which, as you might imagine, was not good. My mother was freaking out. Finally, one day while my brother was over, my father insisted on going to urgent care. My mother managed to find an MRI appointment for him. My brother drove them and I got some blessed silence. Turned out that his brain had some weakening due to old age, but his body was perfectly fine.
It turned out to be crystals in the wrong place. I didn’t even know you had crystals in your ears! This was a week of high stress over what was a relatively small medical issue. And that’s the problem with my father (one of many). He’s a raging hypochondriac and every stubbed toe is gangrene. And my mother plays into his nonsense. So while I was sitting to the side thinking it was all terribly overwrought, I was also gripped with fear that they wouldn’t go back to Taiwan. Being around them is not good for my mental health and even though I know it, I still let them get to me.
Anyway, when I was freaking out about moving to San Francisco, my therapist at the time said something to me that I still remember. She let me ramble about all the things that might go wrong for ten minutes or so before saying, “Minna, half the things you think will happen, won’t and you can’t imagine the other half that will happen.” She was right and while I can’t say I never got anxious again, it did help me put things in perspective. As I told my mom several times during his latest trip here, you can’t control everything no matter how hard you try.
I have some general goals for this year. One is to write my memoir about my hospital/medical experience. I’ve written so many posts about them, but I’d like to do it in book form. I’m thinking about starting a podcast or vlogging because writing is dead, long live writing. An outside thought is dating/having sex, but that’s very much on the backburner. I also want to find a therapy group/therapist to deal with what I went through in September of 2021. I know I have to get more specific about it in the future, but I still want to take a month or two to ease into it. Next up is attending Zoom Taiji classes again–probably this weekend.